speechless

怎么了

2012-02-03T17:00:00.003+08:00

去年十月的文章，发现其实它所描述的，怎么越来越经常了呢？

“不知不觉中，已来到了十月中。不对，不应该是不知不觉。其实就一直知道时间就是过得那么的快，那么的匆促。或许是因为刚忙完了二哥的婚礼，又或许是因为刚忙完了两个作业，不知怎么的，就突然有一种不可形容的疲惫。可能是心灵上的累，反正就是什么都不想做，不想管。原本应该是准备明天的课，但就打不起精神来。

想睡觉吗？不完全是。想找人聊聊吗？也不太确定。可能是两个星期连续的一直在赶，一直在冲，所以现在只想坐着，什么都不作，就任时间流逝。尽管如此，其实自己也很清楚，脑子现在都还是满的，不是在为明天的功课准备着急，就是在为明天的事而计划，要不就是在为现在的‘闲着’而感到内疚。当然知道时间是宝贵的，但其实只想坐着-没有为任何期限担心，没有为任何计划而懊恼，没有需要做出任何的反应。或许这就是最真实的我：完全不去想、完全不去感觉。真的是这样吗？”

是一种麻木吗？还是万分的疲惫？难道是成长的过程？还是自己处理事情的方式？

那么快，眼看在少过一年半载就要毕业了。我要的是什么？我要的事业是怎样的？我要的生命是如何的呢？思考归思考，直到我不能在这个时候垮。但，若不是现在，在以后不是更加不可以？七年前已有过一次，事后且答应不会再有。那现在又是什么了？是因为成长了，经过的事情不一样了，因而需要在做一些的调整？亦或是因为我总是把事情想得太复杂化了？我也不想啊，但如果性格是如此，似乎我只好想办法应付，或是。。。

不想害到别人，也不想造成任何的伤害。但，我该怎么呢？就继续藏住吗？或是说出来，沟通讨论呢？但是又害怕会引起不好的后果，所以宁愿就这样下去。

但，这是办法吗？

What's in a child?

2011-11-01T22:04:00.002+08:00

Was on the bus home just now and saw this little baby in the stroller. And I thought to myself: it would be nice to have my own kid; I think I'll make a good dad.

And then I quickly asked myself why I wanted to have a kid. That brings me to the broader question of why do people want to have children?

Is it because we want to make sure that there is someone who will provide for us and take care of us when we are old?

Is it because we want to experience the 'joy of parenting' which the world tells us is one beyond words?

Is it because we love kids?

Is it because we want to exert some form of control over someone else's life?

Is it because we want to make sure there'll always be someone who will remember us after we die?

Is it because we want to (or we have to) carry on the family line?

Is it because we think that we'll make a better parent than some others?

Is it because we think that we'll make a good parent?

Is it because we just want to have sex and babies are a (not necessarily bad) by-product?

Is it because we want to inject some new element into our relationship?

Is it because we finally feel ready to have a child? And that still begs the question: why do you want to have a child?

Is it because that is the way society works?

Is it because that's the example we learn from our parents?

Is it because that's supposedly what we are supposed to do (after marriage)?

And then it struck me that from my limited generation of reasons/ideas above, they generally fall into 2 categories: (1) selfish reasons; or (2) societal norms.

(1) - hardly can we say that we want children because of some altruistic reason (well, of course if you think that satisfying your gramps' or your parents' wishes is altruistic then fine by me)

(2) - sometimes we don't really think much about it, because having children is just 'the way things go', or to quote someone from the previous generation: '如果你不生孩子，那你结婚来做什么？' (of course that goes into the topic of marriage, which isn't quite the topic here today)

I'm not saying that it's wrong to have kids, nor is either of the categories above wrong. I'm just pausing to reflect on why people actually want to have kids. Then of course there are those who fall into neither - I don't really bother whether I have kids or not, so if it comes then it comes.

All that said, either way, the child never ever gets to choose to be born (or not). I didn't choose to come into this world. That decision was made for me by my parents. And on that note, to those parents out there - if you decided to have a child, no matter how the child turns out, you are the one responsible for the child. And to those who love to lament '早知道就不把你生下来', too bad man, don't blame the child. You decided to have the child, so if you regret it, don't blame it on the kid. He's the most innocent one. In some sense, he's even the victim of your decision.

Nonetheless, that doesn't give us (as children) the reason to blame everything back on the lack of choice in coming into this world. Let's face it: none of us had that choice. So deal with it. Yes the world's unfair - no one ever tried convincing the world otherwise. If you wanna wallow in your the-world's-unfair pathetic state and get stuck in that rut, it's time to get your act together and live life like a man (or a woman).

*Really rambly thoughts today. Feels good typing without an essay question or word limit or restriction or academic grading in mind.

喘

2011-10-18T00:13:00.004+08:00

不知不觉中，已来到了十月中。不对，不应该是不知不觉。其实就一直知道时间就是过得那么的快，那么的匆促。或许是因为刚忙完了二哥的婚礼，又或许是因为刚忙完了两个作业，不知怎么的，就突然有一种不可形容的疲惫。可能是心灵上的累，反正就是什么都不想做，不想管。原本应该是准备明天的课，但就打不起精神来。

不是生活不愉快或不幸福，但只想停下脚步，歇一歇，呼吸新鲜的空气，完全没有搅扰或逼迫。当然，我能够有闲情在这里发表表达，已经是很幸福的了：知道有身边的人连这种‘奢侈’都没有。

但，我们能够这样去比较吗？有这个必要吗？

难道每个人不是有自己的选择权吗？有自己的价值观吗？我选择这个时间在这里，不去温习功课，当然后果我要自负，不能怪其他人。但我知道因为今天不读，会导致明天必须补偿，造成我更多的压力。或许我会埋怨。啊，不去想它吧！

Life is like a diamond

2011-07-11T22:48:00.003+08:00

Life is like a diamond.

It is precious.

For it to shine, it must go through stresses and a whole lot of crap.

Some like it big and conspicuous, some are contented no matter how small.

Most importantly, it has many facets. From a certain angle, you may not think it's worth a lot. Yet from another angle, you may actually find it attractive and beautiful.

----------------

We play many roles in our lives. You can be a boyfriend, a student, a son, a brother. And in each of this role, you have a designated responsibility. And you might think of yourself as a failure if you do not accomplish a particular something.

A mother may feel that she is a failure if her kids do not have a full breakfast before leaving home.

A father may feel that he is a failure if his family is not provided for.

An elder sister may feel that she is a failure if she does not give the kind of love her mother gives to her family.

An elder brother may feel that he is a failure if he cannot protect his younger siblings.

A younger sister may feel that she is a failure if she does not lighten the atmosphere during family gatherings.

A younger brother may feel that he is a failure if he still gets treated like a small boy.

A friend may feel that he is a failure if he cannot be there when his friend needs him.

A lover may feel that he is a failure if he can be there with his beloved, yet is unable to help.

A partner may feel that he is a failure if his beloved does not call when feeling down.

What, then, is your failure?

----------------

And because life is multi-faceted, perhaps things might actually look better if we try to take on a different perspective.

Age difference and relationship

2011-06-16T18:31:00.003+08:00

Was chatting with my friends just now and the topic of age came up. Not that we were discussing how old we are (or how old we felt being around the sec1s), but my friend mentioned that her friend who's 22 y/o is married to a guy 37 y/o.

Yeah I know I've said that age is just a number. But I couldn't help it but instinctively react with a 'woah'. Perhaps society has constructed me to react that way. Nonetheless, 15 years difference. Another of my friend was quick to point out Dr Sun Yat-Sen and his 3rd wife who were 26 years apart.

Well, age is but a number, no? I've heard of couples differing by 5 years or 10 years, but 15 years is indeed a first for me. Perhaps what shocked me was the sheer number and also the fact that the couple has 2 kids. Leaving the kids issue aside, I suppose 15 years does seem a little wide. But it's pretty subjective isn't it? To me, 5 years difference is perfectly acceptable while some people feel that the maximum should be 2. I guess it's a matter of the environment we grew up in. My parents differ by 5 years, so I would think that 5 years is perfectly normal. Then I have friends whose parents differ by 9 years, and so they wouldn't be too surprised if they heard of similar couples. So, really, who decides what number is too big or too weird?

Assuming we take a 22 year old and a 12 year old. 10 years difference. Even for me who has no issues with 10 years difference will object to this simply because it's pretty paedophilic. What about a 7 year difference for a 23 year old and a 16 year old? Arguably this is more acceptable but some will still feel that it's a tad paedophilic. What if we were looking at a 25 year old with a 35 year old? Still 10 years apart, but it doesn't seem half as bad as a 22-12.

That's why I figured that age is a number, and also a signpost to suggest the stage the person is at. It's like a quick reference to the sort of life a person might be having. Schooling or working. So if you meet someone for the first time and the person says he's 15, you'll ask which (secondary) school he's in; if someone says he's 18, you'll ask whether he's in poly or jc or ITE; if someone says he's 22, you'll ask whether he's studying at a university or if he's working. So there you have it, age is a rough guide to where a person might be in life. Of course, all these at the risk of stereotyping.

Alright just a short post about my take on age and numbers. To all the couples out there whose age difference may be significantly wide (however you want/choose to define it), I wish you all the best in your relationship and no matter what people say, always remember that age is but a number which is a quick reference to the stage in life you are at. You may not be in the same stage with your partner now, but one day you will be. And at that time, you'll realise that age is but a number, and love transcends all that.

寻

2011-05-08T03:45:00.005+08:00

坐在冷清的岩石上，望着一望无际的太平洋，抛开喧哗的城市生活，离开了残疾的现实。

天空有云作伴，海洋有浪花同行。

我独自坐在冷清的岩石上。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘，一同体会彼此的爱的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘，一同体会彼此的爱，就这样过一辈子的人。

我在寻找，寻找一个愿意与我坐在石头上，什么都不说，一同观看景色，一同思考生命的奥秘，一同体会彼此的爱，就这样过一辈子，也感到是一种无比的幸福的人。

会难吗？那么，你，愿意吗？

A Letter To God

2011-04-25T22:00:00.003+08:00

Hi God,

I actually wanted to write a blogpost and ramble on about my thoughts about certain things. And then I realised that I always pop by here when I need to clear my thoughts, or when I feel like expressing myself but I don't feel like picking up the phone to call someone, or when I'm not too sure who I should call, or when I feel like I just need to pour everything out one-way and so I don't want to have someone being silent over the phone with occasional 'mm' and 'mhmmm' and 'orh' etc. And as I was contemplating starting a post, I recalled what my friend told me once about how writing things out helps to clear your thoughts and actually is good for emotional well-being, and then I recalled the show that I watched during youth camp last year - Letters To God. And so, I decided to write one to you today.

I guess writing with someone in mind makes it much easier to ramble, probably because being social is one of the characteristics of Man and of Yourself too. Well, at least I don't have to craft my post in a way that makes it formal since it's just a letter to a friend.

You know, I'm sure you do, it's not been an easy journey thus far, but I really wanna thank You for everything that You have given to me. Yes, through it all, now standing here where I am, I can look back and confidently and proudly say that I am immensely thankful for everything You have given to me. And the providence that You had for me. Yet, at the same time, I know that when something unpleasant comes my way, I would instinctively ask You why You gave those to me. I only pray that You'll always constantly remind me that You have a plan for everything.

Ah and that reminds me. The other day I was chatting with wanjie and topic of religion and logic and rationality popped up. And that reminded me of the conversations I had with some people. You know how we always remind one another to have faith in You, and that no matter what You'll always be with us and be in charge of the circumstances? But at the end of the day, no matter how logical or rational the argument flows, the last step still involves the irrational bit of really trusting that whatever You promised is true. Yeah I guess we can say that rationally, given the past experiences of other people or even of that individual, the rational conclusion to draw is that such promises are indeed true. But I think on another level, some people think that there's no logic in believing that whatever You promised come true. Not too sure what the case is, but I always thought that religion involved some form of irrationality.

Anyhow, I rambled too much. Why I wrote a letter to You today is not to ramble about the above. I was just thinking about some stuff that's been going-on and some incidents that happened which I get to know of. I think by now You already have many people coming to You and asking how You can be a fair God if so many unpleasant things happen. Well, I never said that to You but I think I may not be too dissimilar - in the sense that I always wonder WHY certain things happen? Yeah I don't mean to say you're not fair, but I really just wonder why some things happen, and I just feel that it's really horrible to have those things?

It's like, why should my friend be made to go through that? I'm not too sure, but I know you have a plan. But I really find it tiring or even defeating at times, where my friend does everything he can in hope of a better outcome, and I try to help him along to try to achieve what's best for everybody. But then the situation turns out to be some other way. You know, it's like, we've already done what we could, so what more could we do? If circumstances always turn out this way, it's really crazy. I mean, if it's once or twice, or even occasionally, I think I'm cool with it. But seriously, if it happens all the time?! When we plan to the best that we can and try to do all that we can, circumstances just come along and destroy, in a matter of seconds, all that we have been striving for! Yes, such incidents serve to remind me and teach me that everything is ultimately in Your hands. But if everytime it happens, surely there must be something more to it? Are You trying to tell me something? Are You hinting to me that this just isn't meant to be?Are You using all these to show me something, to make a point? I really don't know. And I've been asking ever since. I know, I may not have an answer anytime soon. But I just thought that I really just want to write to You?

Nah, this is not a sign of rebellion or discontent, but I'm really just afraid that I'll get tired real soon. Is this what You're trying to tell me though? Hmmmm? Okok just writing to let You know yeah? Just needed to get this off my chest for now. Alrights, I've got to head back to studying. Please help me along with it okay? Thanks a million.

Hope to hear from You soon.

Love,

Not Waving But Drowning - Stevie Smith

2011-04-13T23:32:00.003+08:00

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

Through the years

2011-04-06T00:37:00.003+08:00

Things change. People change. I change too.

Through the years, I know I've said this more than a few times, I've become more rational and less emotional. At the same time, I've become more critical, skeptical and cynical.

And definitely, I've become more practical and pragmatic. I don't think I've become less idealistic nor less dreamy, but I've definitely tempered all these with more grounded reality. I've become way more task-oriented than I used to be, and find myself at various junctures asking: 'so what's the point of this?' or 'what's the point of that?'

And it's such an unfamiliar ground that I find myself still trying to cope with the changes, and still trying to find my identity.

Bildungsroman?

2011

2011-02-28T09:02:00.003+08:00

Sitting at a random bench on the fourth floor of the law building. Plugged in to earphones for instrumental music. Sipping on tea. Chewing on random biscuits I brought. Finally, some semblance of a respite. Although not quite. It's more of a self-declared one than a proper momentary pause in life to chill. Still, am making the best out of it for now. After all it's only gonna last not more than 30mins.

Just handed up Public Law assignment. Crazy essay indeed. Well, there's only myself to blame for starting late. But I was fully aware and mentally braced myself for that. At least I got to do other stuff during this recess week instead of just sitting at home the whole day to figure out the essay - which was pretty much what I did last sem for Property Law assignment. It was stay home and mug the whole day away. Crazy stuff too. Well, got a B+ for that assignment which I was really pleasantly surprised. But if I had to spend that kind of time to get that kinda grades, I'm not too sure if I'm actually keen on that. Speaking of which, my overall grade for Property Law was a B-, which still befuddles me till today. I probably did really badly for my final exam and that's something I don't quite understand. Frankly, after surviving 3 semesters in law school, I'm still not too sure what study method works. Ah well, at least this sem's modules are all pretty weird so they're nothing conventional.

Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Oh right, the recess week that just passed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm not willing to work for my grades. It's just that I don't want to spend my whole life as an undergraduate mugging away. Alright, yes I know the most important thing for now is my studies (yes mum, I'm writing this here for you to see so you'd know I know). Still, I have other things in my life I wanna pursue too. My passion in church, in choir, in music, and a few more others. All these calls for time management and a really good balance. I probably suck quite a bit at both, but by the grace of God, I'm still surviving and still quite managing.

Sorry for the out-of-the-norm blogpost today. Just felt like rambling somewhere somehow. Probably the assignment killed all my brain cells and I just wanted to do something defiant. Anyhow, whatever the case, it's been some time I've been here dearest blog. So much things have occurred and happened in my life, and I've had new realisations about life, about myself, about friends, about people and about stuff. It's been quite a pretty crazy few weeks. But as usual, as with all such crazy times, it's a good period of moulding, learning, and growing. And I thank God for bringing me through thus far. It's really amazing (and scary too at times) how God uses various things to remind myself about His grace and His providence.

Alrights, feeling way better now from the assignment overhang. Yes I've been awake for the past 24 hours, and it's amazing I didn't faint just now. I really thought I was gonna collapse anytime. Grabbed a bite and a drink and hopefully things will be better. Lecture in 30mins time and heading home in 2.5hrs time. Choir in the evening again. :)

Listening to Kenny G Christmas album which I bought years ago. Saxophone + strings + keyboard = awesome. Reminds me of my dream to play the saxophone one day. Was aiming for that when I'm 30 years old. Haha. As for strings... oh well. Wen Han was nice enough to pass me his violin and teach me how to play. That was really like in 2008 or something I THINK. I was just too lazy to practice and too playful to be focused. And then, just a few weeks back, I had another crazy piano idea. Dreaming too much for my own good? Nah, I guess we all have dreams and we have such random moments that creep into our lives which makes it much more interesting and fulfilling? And then there's a few more other music-related ideals, hopes and dreams...

Alright, setting those aside for now and coming back to life ahead. It's the start of the 2nd half of my 4th semester in law school. And the completion would mark the halfway mark through law school. Time flies indeed.

But I'm glad I'm going through life this way and doing various things that I like. :) Giving thanks for everything that has happened, that has not happened. :) Feeling a sense of wholesomeness once more. :)

fly

2011-02-14T09:46:00.000+08:00

It's not because she left, it's because a part of me went missing.

hearing

2011-02-10T01:08:00.002+08:00

It's the hearing. Or rather, the lack-of. And it's not the first time this happens. And as much as I wish it would be the last, I'm afraid it most probably will not be.

But what can I say? I'm angsty, and much frustrated. But I still have to deal with it. And that's why I'm tons frustrated when such things happen.

I think I'll grow up to be blind, deaf, and then might as well just chop off my nose.

Such thoughts crossed my mind before. And lately they seem to visit me more often.

I'll just hope this is a passing phase.

Week 3 of yr 2 sem 2

2011-01-25T00:56:00.002+08:00

2 weeks have passed already. They weren't easy and I must say that 2011 started off on a tired note. Nonetheless, I'm really thankful that God has held on to me all these while.

Week 1 was about getting used to having lessons again (and it didn't help that the modules this sem aren't particularly easy); week 2 was about getting used to having tutorials (and making time to prepare for them).

With that, I think week 3 has started on the right note :) Think I'm slowly getting the hang of the sem which is a great improvement from the previous 3 semesters. Still, there's UCF starting this week and many more random stuff along the way that will pop up. Holding on to His promises and His word.

在你爱里我要宣告，我软弱得改变，

在你爱里我要宣告你是王。

在你爱里我要宣告，我不在罪中打转，

是你带领着我得胜。

靠着耶稣得胜，靠着耶稣得胜，

终此生要靠着主爱去得胜。

靠着耶稣得胜，靠着耶稣得胜，

不必惧怕挫败，深知主恩更广阔，

是你带领着我得胜。

And that's why I could go to church on Sunday with smile, without my tired disposition (or at least for most part of the day), and that's why I could go to school today without the dreadful look.

Jiayou!

Lay Them Down

2011-01-21T00:17:00.002+08:00

No turning back,

No last regrets,

I lay them down all at Your feet.

I bow down before Your throne,

Your Majesty,

and Your righteousness reigns high.

But I'm a sinner through and through,

And I don't deserve Your grace.

You have loved me just the same regardless

I am free in You, precious King.

So many times,

So many lies,

So many tears I hide in me.

But You have taught me how

To trust in You

Having faith as small as peas

But I'm a sinner through and through,

And I don't deserve Your grace.

You have loved me just the same regardless

I am free in You, precious King.

The Fly - WIlliam Blake

2011-01-21T00:08:00.001+08:00

Little Fly,

Thy summer’s play
My thoughtless hand
Has brushed away.

Am not I
A fly like thee?
Or art not thou
A man like me?

For I dance,
And drink, and sing,
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.

If thought is life
And strength and breath,
And the want
Of thought is death;

Then am I
A happy fly.
If I live,
Or if I die.

Dec-Jan

2011-01-11T18:25:00.002+08:00

Crazy few weeks. Already tired and stressed, but I've gotta learn to deal with this. Just a short liner here to remind myself before I head here again soon. Sorry to those I've neglected, hurt and let down. Yet at such times, sorry doesn't suffice. Just bear with me and things should start looking up.

回顾一零、展望一一

2011-01-01T00:59:00.003+08:00

一年又过了，新的一年又来临了。我不知道这对你有什么影响，抑或者这只不过是新的一天，没什么大不了。刚才在脑海里做了简单的一番回顾及展望，发现过去的一年里我学到了很多，也发现在来临的一年会有很多的责任及挑战。

过去的一年实在不容易 - 许多的起起落落，后悔莫及，所谓一失足成千古恨。所幸神的恩典够用，总算平平安安的熬过了一年。人际关系、感情、友谊、学业、灵命：太多的选择，太多的错误。

收拾心情总是不简单的一回事。除了面对残酷的现实，接受过去的存在，更要鼓起勇气，挺胸走完接下来的路途。还真是谈何容易。也就这样，因为有了不健康的应对机制导致时间的浪费，蹉跎岁月。不仅如此，还傻傻地犯了大错，后悔莫及。之后，还很幼稚地草草了事，不多考虑就寻找另一途径转移注意力。尽管如此，还是十分感谢神让我经过这一切，因为这让我更珍惜我的性命、健康及周遭的朋友们，也从中学习了许多、从中了解到神的计划是完美的。

学业上也不都顺利。成绩不理想，尽管再怎样的拼也只不过如此。但只要做了最好，不管结果如何，我依知道谁掌管明天。

当然，2010也有不少成长成熟的机会。在学校的合唱团，神给于我不少的机会及挑战；在教会的少年团契，神教导我要谦卑虚己；在教会的合唱团，神给我看到他的能力无穷无尽。

展望新的一年，我确实感到害怕。有许多的责任托付在我的肩膀上，也有许多的挑战即将向着我横冲过来，也有许多现在不能预料的试炼潜伏其中。学校合唱团的压力，法律系的功课，青少诗班的提升，崇拜司琴的塑造，青少培训辅导的挑战，少年团契的策划。。。

但不管如何，我知道神的道路高过我的道路，神的意念高过我的意念。他的心里有蓝图，他的时间不错误，一步一步带领我前途。我也深知主的恩典够我用，他的信实何等广大。

愿2011年我能够更加体会神的同在！

Because we cherish things only after they are gone

2010-11-29T10:16:00.002+08:00

And I never expected myself to feel this way. Perhaps it goes to show I'm human after all. I'm not entirely emo, just penning down my thoughts so that I can get this out of my system for now, before my last paper later.

Dearest Fuzzy,

It's been more than a year since we've been together, and I hope that your passing is due to old age and not of my neglect. I'm sorry that I haven't been giving you enough attention all these while, especially during the exam period. I knew this day would come, but I never expect it to be so soon. Yeah the average lifespan of a hamster is about 2 years, but everything just seems so sudden. I guess, one can never fully prepare himself for such things. Anyhow, it's been awesome to have you around, even though initially I did complain about cleaning your cage. After a while, I get used to it and it's a good relaxation exercise, and it's always satisfying to see you running around the clean cage, pushing the food holder to one side because you like to hide in the resulting gap, and then running on the wheel for a few seconds before you decide you are tired, and then burrowing in the bath sand because it's comfortable. You would always unravel the recycled paper and the colourful things in the wood shavings and bring them to your house, where you decorated it. To know that you have passed on in this favourite house of yours is perhaps some form of comfort to me.

Rest in peace, and you'll always have a place in my life.

2010-11-25T21:29:00.001+08:00

Because life is not a bed of roses.

Even if it were, it would be pretty thorny.

That's why in times like these, one person has to pull through.

imperfect communication

2010-11-21T22:43:00.002+08:00

Communication is doomed to imperfection – perfect communication by means of human language would require that all interlocutors have identical cultural backgrounds and physical makeups.

Came across the above while revising for exam tmr. Yeah first paper's up tomorrow but I'm here. Haha oh well, came across something that I felt strongly so didn't let pass the chance to head down here for a while. More or less done preparing for tmr's paper, gonna just head down to sch tmr morning and do my best, and see how things go.

Communication between 2 people will tend towards some misunderstandings at times, simply because that is how things are. Through some arguments, disagreements, quarrels, fights, unhappiness do we then realise and learn. What's important is not be bogged down by those unpleasant feelings, but to tell yourself that you just learnt one new thing, and eliminated a possible source of conflict in the future.

Only through constant communication (and accordingly, misunderstandings at times too) can 2 people get to know each other better, and understand each other's quirks and what makes one tick. It's a transient dip in pleasantness between the parties, but a long-term growth and maturity in the relationship.

对不起，我不是故意的。

2010-11-19T23:15:00.003+08:00

简单的一句话，简单的含意，带着心中千万个歉意。但是，除了这一句话，我还能说什么呢?

人本性就是那么的自私，不管再怎样的体贴别人，终究还是会有一些为了自己。我也是那么的有限，有时只不过是心太急，抑或者一时的不小心。若是影响了你，还是刺激到你，也就只能一句：对不起，我不是故意的。

如果我的坚强任性会不小心伤害了你，你能不能温柔提醒。

自私是我不对。

我还在学，我会改变。

Changing perception of kids

2010-10-22T02:16:00.001+08:00

I guess some things just come with age. Maybe they grow and sprout because of some belated turning on of some gene; maybe with the onset of age, you start to be more receptive of things; maybe with age comes exposure and with that, you become more open-minded to things. Whatever the case, I find myself increasingly tolerant of kids.

I start to realize that indeed, all that kids want is to have fun – generally harmless fun. Save for the occasional malicious ones (think Edmund Hooper in King of the Castle), the innate desire of a kid would be to enjoy himself. Given, an equally compelling craving of a kid would be love and affection (and attention). I’m not too sure what’s going on in me for this pretty big change. But the moment I found the kids really adorable on Children’s Sunday last month, I knew I was in for it. Oh wells. Sometimes change just strikes you when you don’t even know it.

And as I took some time to think back and reflect on what brought about this change, I decided that it’s a combination of internal and external factors. How expected and politically correct. Anyhows, internal factor first. I would think that it’s that age where thoughts of having a life-long companion, a family, a house etc seem to come naturally.

As for the external factors, I think it’s after more interactions and exposure to different perspectives that I have come to be more receptive of alternative considerations. One interesting note, it’s not the first time I have been presented with alternative viewpoints but in the past there is that strong resistance against acknowledging that kids can be so adorable. In the absence of any logical explanation, I therefore would say that the softening of an otherwise hard-line stand is likely to be attributed to age.

Talking to people, listening to their childhood experiences, contemplating how childhood should be like, I find myself convinced by these people. I guess my own childhood experience heavily coloured the way I look at things, which is not surprising because we are always subjected to our pre-conceived notions which are invariably a corollary to our personal experiences.

Well, what can I say? I never fail to be amazed at the changes that undergo in my life, whether intentional or otherwise. To quote a friend, life is a heck of an adventure.

Incoherence

2010-10-10T23:29:00.002+08:00

Night falls

Fan blows

The mind wanders,

the heart drifts off,

the thoughts coalesce,

but only in a fuzzy and vague manner...

A faceless void

An unrecognisable intangibility

packing

2010-09-20T03:11:00.005+08:00

A couple of interesting things I found whilst packing through my drawers:

1) Random poem I wrote don't-know-how-many-donkey years ago.

2) Looked through the 16PF personality test report done in JC. Was particularly amused by this part:

Mr Edmund's profile suggests he has similarity to persons who express interest for the following career fields related to his unique activity interests:

Child Development, Social Service, Counseling, Teaching

Occupations directly related to Mr Edmund's unique activity interests are:

Occupational Therapist, Religious Leader.

Haha OT and Religious Leader. Nice.

of musical, passion and interest

2010-09-03T12:54:00.002+08:00

Took out my stack of foolscap paper (of whatever is left from my JC days) and I saw on the first page a draft. A draft of a musical I've always wanted to write. Well, maybe not so much a draft - more of an overview/synopsis. It's only one page of scribbles - with a general outline of the main theme and plot, and the general background of the 3 main characters.

It's dated 20 Sep 2007 (or is it 26 Sep 2007? there's a reason why some of my friends say I should be a doctor instead), a good 3 years ago. It has never been forgotten; it's been placed at the back of my mind for the longest of time. Just last week as I was swimming, the idea surfaced to the conscious part of the brain, and a few more keywords came up, with one form of narrative technique materialising. Now it's about putting the two together, figuring out the songs, and developing the rest of the plot and script. Easier said than done.

Nonetheless, this idea of a musical has been very present in my mind these few days. Been thinking when I would have the time to just sit down and write it out, and then I figured I'll never have that luxury. Perhaps I'll write bits and pieces along the way - since the main plot has been in existence for 3 years without any development, writing it in bits and pieces may not sound as ridiculous as it may be. In fact, the main theme/plot still resonates with me to a large extent, and the additional themes and ideas to explore pretty well coincide with the original concept, gelling in to form a whole coherent picture of a Christian faith/life. Or maybe I'll grab a few more friends to chip in.

Ah, once again, it's another of the I-have-the-idea-but-I'll-just-stop-here-for-now moments. And this brings me to the larger issue at hand - that sometimes my passions and interests can be so diffused (and yes, time-consuming) that I don't even know where to start.

Time to start being more organised, from my current commitments, to the other interests I have which take the sideline for now.

hello again

2010-08-25T04:21:00.006+08:00

It's the unearthly hour again and I find myself back here, back to arguably my best confidante. And then I feel as though my emotional landscape currently is somewhere near to how I was like when I composed my 21Nov2009 post.

Truth be told, it's been a long time since I'm still up at this time (signs of aging), and I really ain't in some emo mood or something. It seems that as I age and mature, Mr Emo has slowly left me alone and has since been replaced by Mr Pensive.

Ahh so what sparked off this post then? As always, I can never point to a single event because things don't just happen like that; more often than not, things get accumulated somewhere somehow and it leashes out when the time comes. The trigger for today was this quote - death is the only certainty in life. One day we will all die - whether or not you are Chinese, Malay, Indian, Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Buddhist. And this is one universal fact almost no one disputes.

Having established that we all will die one day, that helps us put things in perspective. There are always hypotheticals that make us think - how will you spend your day if you know you would die in 24 hours' time? What would you say to your loved ones if you could only see them one last time? Sometimes, such questions may appear to be frivolous and even meaningless because it wouldn't really happen. Yet, life is unpredictable that way.

If I had only 24 more hours left to live, would I spend my time reading through Principles of Singapore Land Law?

If I knew I was going to die the next day, would I spend my time typing this blog entry?

I would very much like to call up a friend now (yes, even at this unearthly hour) for a quick chat before arranging to meet for breakfast, spend lunch with my family to tell them that I love them, spend the afternoon meeting up more friends over a nice cup of coffee/tea, catch the sunset and spend dinner with my beloved, walk around and chat. Basically anything to let the people around me know that I love them sincerely. And with that goal/purpose in mind, I'll work towards it and bear that at the back of my mind always - everything else is irrelevant.

I think the key point of such an 'exercise' is not that we just want to spend the time mulling over random issues. The question is, am I going to wait until I really have only 24 more hours in life before I do all those I want to do?

One quick round of introduction

2010-08-18T00:28:00.002+08:00

"Hi everyone, my name is Edmund. One thing you may not know about me is: when I was born, my hip was dislocated and due to some complications, the doctor warned my parents that I may be paralysed for life. I was kept on this harness-like hip brace for some time, which I still keep. That's why I'm always very thankful for the simplest of things in life - thankful that I am actually still alive, well and healthy; there's always many things in life to be thankful for."

small things

2010-08-17T02:17:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, the smallest of things can have impacts bigger than can ever be imagined.

It takes 1 small prick and a few drops of blood, and one can be tested negative or positive for HIV.

It takes 2 words for one to be joined to another in a civil union and to spend the rest of their lives together.

It takes 3 words for 2 people to start a relationship.

Yet most of the time, the focus is not so much about these small acts itself - it's the larger connotations behind them.

You cannot tell what sort of a lifestyle a person has, but him going for a HIV test gives insight.

You cannot be sure that the most quarrelsome couple you have ever known will survive being together, but them getting married suggests that they might work things out.

You cannot agree that the two people should be together, but them reaffirming each other connotes something more.

And so we come to the idea - that the thing itself is not so much the crux, but the overarching thoughts associated with that simple action or those simple words - sometimes we mean it, other times it's bringing out our point.

Marriage

2010-08-02T23:40:00.004+08:00

Marriage is not about never being tempted again,

it's about remembering the best and walking away from the temptation.

Marriage is not about never socialising with your friends again,

it's about remembering your commitment to somebody to be there at the end of the day.

Marriage is not about never being disappointed again,

it's about remembering that the person comes as a whole package.

Marriage is not about never having arguments and fights again,

it's about remembering that the person is worth it.

The Discipline of Disillusionment

2010-07-30T01:56:00.002+08:00

[Taken from Oswald Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest]

'But Jesus would not entrust Himself to them, for he knew all man... for he knew what was in a man.' John 2:24-25

Disillusionment means that there are not more false judgments in life. To be undeceived by disillusionment may leave us cynical and unkindly severe in our judgment of others, but the disillusionment which comes from God brings us to the place where we see men and women as they really are, and yet there is no cynicism, we have no stinging bitter things to say. Many of the cruel things in life spring from the fact that we suffer from illusions. We are not true to one another as facts; we are true only to our ideas of one another. Everything is either delightful and fine, or mean and dastardly, according to our idea.

The refusal to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering in human life. It works in this way - if we love a human being and do not love God, we demand of him every perfection and every rectitude, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; we are demanding of a human being that which he or she cannot give. There is only one Being Who can satisfy the last aching abyss of the human heart, and that is the lord Jesus Christ. Why our Lord is apparently so severe regarding every human relationship is because He knows that every relationship not based on loyalty to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no man, yet He was never suspicious, never bitter. Our Lord's confidence in God and in what His grace could do for any man, was so perfect that He despaired of no one. If our trust is placed in human beings, we shall end in despairing of everyone.

Music <3

2010-07-28T14:49:00.001+08:00

Finally found my way here again. Been a really crazy holidays. Nothing short of the 5 letters. C-R-A-Z-Y.

Been on so many overseas trip I lost track of time. Phuket, Bratislava, Batam, KL, Bintan, Egypt. Coupled with reservist, I think I've spent more nights out of home than at night. Nonetheless, through it all, thank God for leading me through every trip and keeping me, together with my family and friends, safe throughout.

And after so long, I've finally had the chance to sit down at the piano and just play to my heart's content. If that isn't the number 1 enjoyment in life, I don't know what else is.

Anyhow, played through all the youth camp theme songs and in a span of 30mins, I find myself transported to the december of each year, from 2002 all the way to 2009. That's quickly recollecting memories from the past 8 years.

2002: 步步随主行

2003: Maranatha

2004: Go Fish

2005: Rock n Role

2006: G-man

2007: Youth Alive

2008: iCom

2009: SOS

Snippets of each camp come to mind, and now I stand at this point, finding myself no longer classified as a 'youth', but more of a 'youth mentor'. 岁月不饶人 eh. Time will keep moving and the seconds just keep ticking. The only way to cope with it is to grow up and grow through each experience, learning from what we can and then move on. All camps had their significance in my life at the different stages of my life - of course some camps were closer to heart than the others. Still, always reminding myself not to get stuck in that mentality for too long - it's alright to think back and reminisce and look back, but that's about the closest I can get to reality.

Looking at how much I've grown through the years, I thank God for His presence and strength, and His many ways in which He used me. And thanking God for everything, 感谢神赐路旁玫瑰，感谢神玫瑰有刺。

And just so I can fulfill my musicophilic-pseudo-musician tendencies/desires, I've realised that the camp lyrics for 2005 2007 2009 have quite a bit of similarities, and that the most popular key for composing camp theme songs seems to be F major.

Alright, anti-climatic ending. =D

because God has His plans and time

2010-06-14T03:28:00.004+08:00

and that's something that I've been experiencing for these past couple of years, and today once again.

May I always bear this mind and be encouraged when things don't go well. =)

‘你’ 的原点

2010-06-11T04:27:00.004+08:00

突然间有一股冲动，想要挨夜不睡，看日出。

但两个人一起欣赏日出，总比自己一个好。

突然间有一股冲动，想要跑啊跑啊，去找 ‘你’。

但想了一阵子，自己也其实不清楚到底 ‘你’ 是谁。

‘你’ 会是怎么样的一个人呢？

‘你’ 会是谁呢？

莫非 ‘你’ 就是我还没有忘记的那一位？

也许 ‘你’ 就是一直在我身旁的那一位？

难道 ‘你’ 就是与我好谈的那一位？

或者 ‘你’ 就是我以前想的那一位？

谁知道，可能 ‘你’ 都不存在。

再次回到原点，心胸纳闷，扪心自问，但又没有答案。

卡住了；

原点。原来我对自己的了解只不过那么一点。

原点。原本以为自己选择了方向，才发现可能要错了这一点。

原点。原因-结果可以是那么的残酷，也可以是那么的幽默，截然可以成为爆点。

原点。自己也不清楚了，不知道了。

Confused.

Insecurities

2010-06-10T23:43:00.001+08:00

because we all have have 'em..

NUSChoir Bratislava 2010

2010-06-04T04:13:00.004+08:00

I'm sorta halfway through uploading my pictures from the Bratislava Choir Competition with NUSChoir. It's been an awesome 8 days and it was mind-blowingly beyond words. It was really an exposure and an experience for me, and it's been a humbling process to say the least. As usual, I'm not gonna blog about what we did in Bratislava, nor is this going to be a factual recount of the emotions the past couple of weeks.

It's been worrying about the 6 songs ever since VV10 ended, and it was a steep learning curve for me - having been thrown directly into the heat of things as bass SL and more so as ASC. Nonetheless, I have many people to thank for guiding me through the process, for throwing me tips and advice, trusting that I am capable of the job and just letting me do my thing, and of course not forgetting the many many prayers rendered by many friends which I could not have done without.

Through this trip, I realised that I am so insufficient. Well, I still have much to learn with regards to vocal techniques, with regards to correcting vocal faults, with regards to picking out mistakes acutely and coming up with appropriate remedies, with regards to conducting the choir, with regards to putting across my ideas... Indeed, I'm not as vocally competent as gabriel, not as linguistically impeccable as gerald, not as musically/choreographically talented as harris, not as sharp and acute as seng hong, not as light-hearted as jeremy, not as piano competent as adit; I still have much to learn from my seniors. Alas, time is not on my side. I need to reflect on the past 2 months and sieve out the essence from each of them, meditate on it and then incorporate into myself. I know I may not be the next Gabriel nor Harris; neither am I striving to be such. I am myself and I have my specialties, preferences, strengths and weaknesses. What is important is to learn from them, amplify my strengths, and be much aware of my weaknesses and blind spots. Only with that would I be well poised to lead the choir into Caroling 10 and VV11.

Technicalities aside, I must say that I'm really thankful to be in the competition group - to learn more about my friends and seeing sides that I otherwise would never have the chance to. To learn more about the people who have been slogging together the past 7 weeks for this competition - especially so to the fellow non-extenders jeremy, joel, carol and chee kian.

So after a paragraph talking about things I've discovered about myself, and then a short paragraph to sum up my thoughts about learning more about my friends, what's next?

Perhaps it's apposite to think back on how my choral journey started. Yes, with rioHC. All the SL responsibilities and choir memories aside, I would really want to go all the way back to how it started. All the way in 2005, choir auditions. I almost didn't make it into choir. Just that wee bit and I might have never been in a choir, much less the many more choral journeys I made thereafter. I remember big jonny, my bass SL back in HC, telling me that I actually didn't make it through the first round of auditions. But by some strange reason, or divine providence or fate, he decided to ask me back for a round of re-auditions. He didn't understand why he did it either, and I never knew such things were happening at the back. I do remember that the next day Felyna asked me to go back for auditions again. And that was how close I was from being left out of choir. And so it struck me that had jonny not follow the strange irrational feeling he had, I would never have been in rioHC, perhaps I would never have joined NUSChoir, and the Minhai leading Glory Youth Choir would be an utterly different person - someone who is unable to speak with definitive knowledge of what and how choral singing is.

I know you might never come across my blog nor read my posts, but if ever you stumble upon this, thanks jonny. And the number one thing that I've learnt from you is how to conduct sectionals - something which I have incorporated into my style. And of course thanks to the SCs of my batch, emmett and linx, for giving me an idea how a conductor should be in front of the choir. And to Ms Lim, I'm lucky to have you as my first choir conductor. All the best to rioHC in France!

And people always ask me, in varying permutations and nuances, if I feel conflicted singing for NUSChoir having been in rioHC. Well, the obvious answer would be no. While different conductors would undoubtedly have different styles, it's about adapting to how each choir functions and then learning from there. The bonds and memories forged with rioHC are undeniable. On the same note, the bonds and memories forged with NUSChoir will be unforgettable too. It's about doing my best for the choir I am in at that point in time, without losing sight of my roots and connections.

As I told the choir on the night after the competition, as with each choral experience, we grow and mature as an individual, as a singer, as a chorister. And I hope such a process never end as we all inspire those around us to strive for greater heights as an individual, as a singer, and as a chorister. Together, we can.

Phuket Trip

2010-05-20T04:14:00.004+08:00

At such an ungodly hour, I know I should totally be sleeping. But if I should procrastinate, I know I might never get down to blogging it. So for what it's worth, just penning down some thoughts and I'll think through them again once I'm back in the Singapore routine.

It's a full 4 days and full 4 nights worth of time spent with friends, and with a solid 96 hours together, I have learnt more about my friends, albeit not much because we've known one another for years and have hung out so long together. Nonetheless, at least I finally discovered that the girls talk about the guys as much as the guys talk about the girls. Haha anyhow, learning more about my friends is one; learning much more about myself is another.

You see, the thing about me is that I'm a sensitive person. Very sensitive. Perhaps overly so. And it was precisely this particular trait of mine that sparked off the double-P and double-C. Not like I never knew that I had them, but it's just that these few days made me realise how extreme I can get at times.

Paranoid - I can get really irked and restless at the slightest of things, when things do not go entirely the way I want/hope them to be, or when I think that it MIGHT be going the other way. Or maybe when friends do/say certain things which make me wonder whether I have assumed things wrongly. It probably stems from some form of insecurity too but that's for another day.

Possessive - We're all possessive over certain things or people in our lives. It might be a piano, a violin, some friends; or maybe it arises on the spot or just for that period of time. And most of the time, it comes after I get paranoid, which arises when I'm insecure about something and end up being over-sensitive in that circumstances.

Childish - As much as I am mature in my own way, I have my childish sides too. All the above that I mentioned, and sometimes deliberately spiting people for various reasons. And I say it's childish because I've been through all those before and have told myself that I should never do that again because I know it's partly my own cognitive processes that are at fault.

Crazy - Not only can I go all hyper-crazy, I realised I can also go psychotic-crazy. And I really scared myself with that one. Always thought that I was only drama inside my head in playing out the various possible dramatic responses but I guess if the clock strikes, then I can really act it out too.

Ahh, alright, the above wasn't meant to make much sense. Just penning down the 4 words that were in my head as I kept replaying a couple of scenes in my head. Wish I could erase those from memory and say that I acted in a much more mature and respectable manner. Nonetheless, as I always like to say, life is a growing process where we always learn more things about ourselves along the way.

As for the trip itself, shan't ramble much here 'cos chronologically penning down my day-to-day activities is not what I do. Shall leave those to facebook pictures.

I miss the food, I miss the beach, I miss the waves, I miss the sun, I miss the company, I miss the randomness, I miss the 7-11, I miss the pick-up, I miss the wind, I miss the singing, I miss the ice milk tea, I miss the laughter...

To sum it all up: It was a great time well spent with awesome company. And I realise I have really really awesome friends. Always thankful for these people in my life. May the Lord bless us all and all my friends who have had various impacts in my life. Nothing says it better than I'm really grateful and thankful to have such awesome friends to have been around me for the past many many years. :)

market

2010-04-30T09:58:00.003+08:00

Just back from the market with my mum. A quick trip to the market never fail to spark off some cognitive processes.

Sometimes I wonder why I volunteer to accompany my mum to the market. And it's always on the days that I happen to wake up early and when I see my mum the first thing in the morning; before I actually know it, the words are already out of my mouth. 'Going to the market? Need me to go with you?' You could call it a lack of volition (which would negate the actus reus) and a lack of intention (which would constitute an absence of mens rea). Automatism, maybe. s84 of the Penal Code anyone?

Alright criminal jokes aside, perhaps it's a duty I feel obligated to perform as a child, perhaps it's a sort of bonding time I share with mum, perhaps I just love to do marketing (haha).

Up till today I still have no idea what the butcher talks to my mum about unless I ask my mum for a translation subsequently, because they converse in hokkien. But that's one of the features of wet market, you see - the Baby Boomers have their preferred dialects for conversations. My mum and I had a brief exchange about things sold (and how they are sold) in the wet market and the supermarket. And I realised that as I was walking through the pathways of the market, I was more attracted by stalls which had proper signboards. It's the certainty and assurance we get from such signpostings which tell us what to expect. Frankly, the one big plus side of the supermarket is that one can choose to be anti-social and successfully finish grocery-shopping. You can tell the price of an item and choose from the variety of nicely-packed meat. There's no need to ask for the price of that pork ribs, nor try your luck to see if you could get the pig's liver together with the ribs for a special discount. And that's exactly what the older generation prefer - to build relationships and if discounts result from it, then it's a win-win situation.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not out to insinuate that all Baby Boomers are such calculative people, and definitely not my mum. But for one, I think we Generation Y people appreciate (and really, treasure) the times when we can be anti-social in going about our daily life.

.

2010-04-29T16:09:00.003+08:00

I was seated on the chair in the room; my form teacher having noted down my height and weight, we were just waiting for the doctor to ask some questions and do his thing.

My handphone rang. There was an sms. It was from the doctor.

'Hi edmund, I suspect Jon (actual name changed) is taking drugs by injection near his groin. I saw a syringe and heard a soft whimper.'

I couldn't believe myself. After all, Jon was one of my men in the platoon - he had always been the ah beng, someone who goes against authority at times, gotten himself into trouble a few times.. but drugs? I didn't think it possible. He's the sort of person you know will do the stupid things, but you'll give it to him simply because he's Jon. And the platoon in fact does that. When the men were in the room trying to decide who will be doing guard duty for which dates, he is the sort who will just sit there and play his PSP without bothering about the issue, or he will just tell one of the platoon-mates that he's fine with anything so long as it's not this particular date and then he goes back to the bunk, he would be the one who was the last to come down the stairs when the whole platoon is already there (including myself), he would be the one who would continue to shoot a few more hoops even though I've asked everyone else to fall in by the road and prepare to march back to company line. Well, none of us really took issues with that simply because 'it's Jon mah'..

Perhaps you would say we all give preferential treatment to Jon. Perhaps I would agree. After all, whenever he got into trouble with authorities, I would be the one speaking up for him and trying to defend him. So much so that when he was barred from booking out for a period of time, I would usually be the one who's responsible for his time in camp. Maybe all these made me feel some kind of bond with him, some kind of emotional complexities or some elder brother kinda mentality.

So when I saw the sms from the doctor suggesting that Jon has taken drugs, I was naturally in immense disbelief, followed by pain, disappointment and bewilderment.

I ran out of the room and gave chase. I didn't know where I was running towards but I still ran. And then I saw some figures. Jon was standing on the stairs and looking down at me. He looked much more skinny and scrawny. I shouted out to him but was ignored.

'Why, why must you dabble in drugs? Couldn't you spare a thought for me?' I was thinking to myself.

Jon ran, ran out of the area and my friends, Bernard and Kevin gave chase. I was overcome with grief and lay paralysed on the ground, still wondering what it was that drove Jon to drugs.

Eventually, Bernard and Kevin came back.

'What happened to him? Why did he take drugs?'

'He said it's all because of you!' Kevin replied with that look of scorn on his face, and suddenly I felt as though all the blame and guilt was upon me.

'Me? But.. what did I do? I've always treated him well!'

To that, Bernard replied, 'he said it's because you always under-do your warm-ups, and you start to kick...'

-----

And then I woke up. I sat on my bed, thinking about it. I was half-relieved that it was only a dream, but I was afraid it might be true somewhat. Of course the dream didn't make sense - Jon was my army man; Bernard and Kevin were my sec sch friends. Anyhow, I just hope this was a random dream and nothing more. Or maybe it reflects my insecurity.

Whatever the case, I don't want to think too much about it. I'm just glad to have gotten this off my chest and having said a quick prayer for Jon, I guess that's all I have to say about this.

a storm is brewing

2010-04-22T17:13:00.003+08:00

A storm is brewing. Well, quite literally. The incessant flashes of lightning accompanied by the rumblings of the thunder. And yes, the rain has just started to come down in full force.

Ahh such weather usually creates two kinds of reaction - it makes one want to snuggle up in bed (with or without someone else), cover up with the blanket and just take a snooze; alternatively, it gets one into that pensive and reflective mood. For now, it's the latter.

Not that I'm thinking about anything in particular, but it's just -the- mood.

The Rain (drops)

The cascading rain drops

Passing by my window,

One in but a million

Without much of a shadow.

Without much choice,

Only one directional craft,

The only alternative

Is to go with the draft.

And there you have it. Life.

cliched channel 8 drama serials..

2010-04-21T19:41:00.003+08:00

Sat through 30mins of 7pm Channel 8 drama serial while having my dinner with my sis.

Seriously. Over-the-tops mushiness at that sort of age was most goosebumps-inducing. Overt actions in conveying the little packages of love and concern.

Imagine that - even for a self-professed helpless romantic, the conversations, tones and actions were sending chills of discomfort all over my nervous system.

growing up, letting go

2010-04-20T23:51:00.002+08:00

Saw an older brother (around poly age) holding a younger brother's (around primary sch) hand while walking in the carpark.

Saw a mother holding a toddler's hand while walking towards the pedestrian crossing.

In every relationship, there'll be a stronger party and a more dependent party, someone who protects and someone who is protected. The one who is more experienced guides the one who is still exploring and learning. Arguably it's pretty much decided by social norms and common-sense. You have the parent taking care of the child, the guy (stereotypically) taking care of the girl.

And then the golden question comes: (quoting my prof in one of her lectures, aptly albeit out of context) how much can a person know before he loses his innocence?

The parent takes utmost effort to avoid exposing his child to danger. When the child is very much still dependent, his universe is close. It's defined and limited by the parent - what is right is determined by what the parent says. But growing up is inevitable and unpreventable. The child starts to realise that the world is a much bigger place than is reflected by the parent, starts exploring and experimenting with things that come his way. And one day, he finally realises that everything that was previously taught to him (what was right and what was wrong), is but the sole opinion of his parents. That said, he does not quite throw his parents out of his life but instead, recognises that the values imparted by the parents have become deep-seated in his life. Whether or not the values change is a decision he must then make as life throws alternative ideas at him. Things no longer appear as black or white. In fact, most appear to be a shade of grey.

For example, possibly

his parents told him that smoking and drinking are bad, but now he has to consider whether that statement is an absolute, or it reflects more of his parents' own judgment;

his parents told him that tatoos and piercings are tell-tale signs of the underworld, but now he has to consider whether that proposition is qualified, or it remains a stigma of the older generation;

his parents told him that he has to get a good degree because that is the only way to succeed in life, but now he has to consider whether that path is the only path, or it is merely an opinion;

his parents told him that Man is to get married, have kids, and start a family, but now he has to consider whether that is indisputable, or it expresses the expectations and hopes of a parent;

his parents told him that a man is to be with a woman, but now he has to consider whether that is taken for granted, or it reflects their conservative positions;

his parents told him that the most important thing in life is to be happy, but now he has to consider whether that is a goal in life he wants to adopt as his own.

And at some point in time, when one has to learn to let go, that's the most difficult part. To recognise that the one you have been protecting for years has finally grown up and should be trusted to make his own decision, and be given a free(er) hand in charting the course of his own life.

To that, I always wonder if I've truly let go of my sister. Then again, someone once told me, brothers will never fully let their younger sisters fly. There's always this highly-disguised line by which the brother will still hold on to the sister. Just in case.

(I realise I rambled but I'm amazed at what my brain cells are able to produce despite being overworked. I really didnt know where I would end up when I started writing.)

aww

2010-04-19T01:49:00.000+08:00

Starting Anew

2010-04-11T04:53:00.004+08:00

The Merlion by the river,

The innocence of youth,

If only all of the uncouth

could be washed away by the water.

The rational is now awake,

The nights of regret,

Don't add another mistake

to one already in fret.

The uni-directional life,

The benefit of hindsight,

It's always a moment of folly

that lands one in this plight.

It overflows from this side,

Indeed I wanted to hide,

The awkwardness was never

the Merlion by the river.

茫

2010-04-10T00:46:00.002+08:00

突然之间有一种莫名的无奈、彷徨；不知怎么的，喉咙似乎卡住了，阻塞了。想了一会儿，发现其实也没有什么想说的。又或者不知道要说什么，亦更是不知道要怎么说，该不该说。

也许是因为你告诉我的缘故，以致我的心情也就沉重了。每次看见你，也只能在心里挣扎一下 - 不晓得自己会不会越陷越深，但又没有勇气一走了之。固然先前已作了决定保持现状，但每一次的挣扎、每一次的无奈、每一次的彷徨，都一层一层的把自己剥开，每一次都比前一次感到憔悴无助。

也不是没有尝试疏远，尝试自拔。这到底还是理性和感性的一场大搏斗。即使能够理智的不在乎，没有任何的举动，但感性的那一方面终究还是会勾起心底的感触，使到自己难受，整个人就这样的邋遢，什么都不能做。

眼看考试逼近，但我一点奋斗力都没有。嗨，暂时就只能这样。下个礼拜绝不容许。

The power of music

2010-04-10T00:40:00.001+08:00

Since you went away, the days grow long, and soon I'll hear old winter's song.

The power of music to express the intense feelings in just one line.

one year in law school

2010-04-07T23:47:00.003+08:00

With the end of today's contract tutorial, I'm pretty much done with one year in law school, save for some random crim stuff next week. So, after a year in law school, what do I want to say?

Well, if there's anything I've learnt this AY in school, I've learnt not to judge a book by its cover and be slow to jump to conclusions. You never know who the guy sitting next to you actually is and what he actually knows. For all you know, he might be a PSC scholar, he might be on SAF scholarship, SPF scholarship, be really good at the piano, the violin, or really anything at all. Sometimes we are quick to judge from a person's face, a person's general outward appearance, a person's conduct during that very first time you saw him/her. At the end of the day, you really never know how a person is like until you've interacted with him/her at a more personal and intimate manner.

That said, I've really been lucky to find really nice people in school. Notwithstanding the world's usual stereotypes of lawyers, I've been blessed to be able to build friendships with a group of people who are so unassuming and actually, normal - people who bitch, people who laugh at lame jokes, people who crack lame jokes, people who write notes & cards, people who care enough to drop a message at times you never thought you would survive, people who bake, people who share notes, people who take time to entertain your questions/doubts, people who actually listen, people who offer a bona fide compliment, people who go beyond the superficial, people who really are genuine and sincere - people who do not want to lose their soul at the end of the day.

And along with that, I realised I'm not the only one who's actually pretty clueless why I'm in laws school, or whether I really want to be a lawyer next time. It's been a question that has been popping up quite a bit this semester. My contracts class was chatting with Prof Chin for quite a bit just now over lunch, and indeed, big names like VK Rajah, Andrew Phang, Sundaresh Menon, Shanmugam tutored by him in the past really have one passion - law. They have that intellectual brilliance, they loved talking about the law, loved reading about the law. Of course, I aim not to be as great as such people. But the very least I could do is to ask myself, what am I doing in law school?

Well, it's a pretty long story how I ended up in law school but for sure, I didn't choose law school because of passion. Had I followed passion, I would be pursuing a course in Chemistry, following which I would continue with Masters and subsequently, I would be happily (I believe) doing research. Or maybe a teacher.

That said, I don't hate law school. In fact, I really am enjoying every day in school and loving it actually. After all, whenever people ask me how's law school and studies, I'll invariably reply that it's really interesting and I enjoy myself. It's the truth. I love the thinking I get to do in law school, I love talking about the cases and the state of the law - how it should be, why certain things don't make sense, and the occasional discussion about Singapore politics where topics cross into it (like reading parliamentary debates for SLS last sem).

Still, that doesn't answer why I am in law school. It's like telling me I should be fortunate and self-contented because a lot of people want to get into law school but are unable to. With all respect, I think that's pretty irrelevant - it's just side-stepping the issue. I could do a course in philosophy, and I believe I would love the amount of thinking it throws at me; I could do a course in psychology, I would be highly intrigued by the way the human psyche works; I could do a course in natural sciences, I would happily be learning new concepts; I could do a course in mathematics, I would be happily doing math questions everyday and solving Calculus. The point is, liking law school and finding it interesting isn't quite the same as being sure this is my career path. It just says that I do not regret coming to law school.

Was chatting with Steve and indeed, how many people at the age of 19 know what they really want? Or rather, how many SINGAPOREAN youths at the age of 19 really know what they want to pursue as a career? There will be those rare few who have knows very clearly what they want, like my brother since his sec sch days, but these are the minority indeed. You see thousands of A levels students applying for university and racking their brains over which course to choose. So a lot end up choosing something, with the hope that they will not regret it. I'm glad to say I don't regret coming to law school, neither do most of my classmates. It's just, when we look into the future, we really ain't sure being a lawyer is how we want our lives to be.

After all, since young, I've always wanted to get a 9-5 job, pretty much like my dad, come home for dinner and then enjoy the rest of the night relaxing, spending time with my mum and watching the tv. But as I grow up, I guess realities of life start to creep in - the need for a steady income to buy a car, a house and many other more luxury items we all invariably want.

And so, it just gets a little sad whenever I hear people coming into law simply because of the money. Indeed, it's a big pull factor, but if that's the only sole reason you have, I really feel quite sad for you. Life is so much more than money. Yes, money is important, it's really important and can play a big part in life, but if it's your sole goal in life, then seriously, it's not up to me to say anything about it, I guess. At the very least, I'm really glad to have a group of friends who are not motivated by money in that way.

So after all these, where do I stand? If it's not for the money, then is it for the recognition/prestige? Well, I'll be lying if I say neither of the two is relevant. Indeed, they are contributory factors but definitely not the main ones, more so not the sole reason. I think, for myself, at the end of the day, it's still about the philosophical justice and fairness.

As for which area of law, and what sort of job I'm gonna get in future, well, I think I'll still leave it open. I won't deny that my interest is still criminal law and that I'll be taking Family Law in year 3, but after a year with contract with Chinty, I think I'm starting to appreciate the beauty of contract law, which is utterly bizarre given my utmost vehemence against it initially. But oh well, as SengHong and I were chatting about it just now, sometimes, the best things just hit you when it's the least expected and the least planned. Who ever knows, eh? To quote Joseph, serendipitous indeed. Ahh I think I've been reading too many academic articles lately (as evidently seen from the amounts of quotations I've been doing in this paragraph).

Anyways, as a sort of a closure for now, I'm glad to say that I've come into law school with an open mind, thoroughly enjoyed my course of study for a year, totally indulging in the kind of mental gymnastics and intellectual discourse I can get from this course, and much more unexpectedly than any, I've made myself many invaluable friends who are genuine and unassuming. As to why I'm in law school, I think maybe that's inconsequential. For now, I've been keeping to my maxim of making the most out of my uni days - including doing many more things apart from plain ol' mugging. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate and re-analyse all my commitments and time allocations, but I think I'll leave that to another day.

Because something is immoral doesn't mean it has to be a crime, and at the end of the day we still need to look at the moral culpability of the person.

in His time

2010-04-01T00:33:00.003+08:00

Feeling a lil' feverish right now - guess it ain't exactly the best time to blog, but there's just a few things that I wanna pen down here before I go crash.

Had family prayer meeting yest night and it felt really good. In the sense that everyone made the effort to meet together on a weeknight to share about their lives, and testimony of how God has worked in our lives these couple of months. Was pretty much in line with what have been in my mind recently.

It was awesome to see His grace and providence in my loved ones. While some may say that it might be just coincidence how the sequence of events in each and everyone's lives unravel, yet it was too beautifully coincidental, way exceeding serendipity, just like I think that the universe is such a beautifully wonderful place that it must take more than a random BANG to result in such intricacies of life.

Anyhow, seeing how God always has His plans and His time, it's just so comforting to know that He has His way in my life. Even though sometimes we don't understand why things happen, or why it should happen to us, we need to be patient and wait upon Him - for He will tell us when the time is right. Just like how my dad waited for 1yr 9mths, and my siblings with their fair share of wait. Reflecting on my life, I know that there were answers that I had to wait for a full year before I finally realised the rationale behind the initial events.

That said, it's really not easy to just wait. Given the fast-paced world we are in, where we get impatient when the bus does not come after 5-10mins, or the noodles take more than 3-5mins to cook, where the sending/receiving of emails are immediate, patience is such a rare virtue.

So I'm penning it down here, to remind myself to be patient for everything, for things that I have waited for years but still get no answer because ultimately I know He has His plans and time.

In His time, in His time

He makes all things beautiful

in His time

Lord please show me everyday

that You're teaching me Your way

that You do just what You say

in Your time

-----

And yesterday, I finally managed to get over something which happened some 10 months ago. It wasn't like a huge sigh of relief when that realisation came, but the amazing thing was I finally realised WHY something happened. And the feeling was cathartic. It's like you finally understood why you learn logarithms in AMaths, why we have to IMAGINE that complex numbers actually existed and that they actually can occupy a loci, and fully understood all the Shakespeare plays. Thank God for that realisation and with that, may I be able to help people along in the same light.

Ahh wondering if my current fever is brought about by my stress from chionging LAWR last week, or due to some spiritual issues I have to sort out.

big or small thing

2010-03-30T01:40:00.002+08:00

Get past these trivial matters and not let this affect my mood.

But then again, God of Small Things comes to mind, a concept/quote that I'll never forget because it rings true - at that point in time, there's no such thing as whether an occurrence is a big or small thing, and you have no idea the future impact of a particular decision. Whether something is a big thing or a small thing, is always determined retrospectively.

to be less self-engrossed

2010-03-28T22:50:00.003+08:00

After a few crazy weeks in school, coupled with random storms along the way, it's quite a relief and release to know that for the coming week, things will be much better.

And being in church on Sundays always reminds me how lucky I am to have friends around who care so much for me, and love me so much. Thanks for the care and concern, for the encouragement, for the simple pat on the back (both literally and figuratively), for the random few-liner catch-ups here and there, for the chance to be able to pray together for things...

And it makes me realise how much I have not been showing my concern to these people, and have not been reaching out to a particular few whose life I used to really take an interest to. Have been too caught up with myself, thinking about how crapped up my life is, and how tiring everything can get, and whining about no one can really understand what's going on.

Time to be a little less selfish, and to focus more on other people - that's how I used to lead my life and everything went well. The moment I tried to just think about myself, and started judging people with respect to myself, things just went downhill. Wake-up call indeed. And I think the older one gets, the harder it is to ask one to deny oneself and focus on others - because the reality of life kicks in, and the practicality of society sets in. Nonetheless, I'll keep this at the back of my mind and see how things go then.

:)

2010-03-25T02:16:00.000+08:00

and it grows stronger yet.

Autumn leaves

2010-03-25T00:38:00.002+08:00

The falling leaves drift by my window

The falling leaves of red and gold

I see your lips, the summer kisses

The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long

And soon I'll hear old winter's song

But I miss you most of all, my darling

When autumn leaves start to fall

perhaps.

2010-03-21T00:25:00.002+08:00

Maybe, I might be able to live with the way it is now. 知足常乐？It's good enough for now I guess.

why?

2010-03-20T23:20:00.001+08:00

Why the heavy heart, why the angst, why the inertia?

Grow up. Focus. Be rational.

ramblings

2010-03-17T00:46:00.002+08:00

Was looking at my hamster just now and I wished I could lead its way of life - just eat, sleep, laze around. How carefree isn't it? But then again, I never really know whether I'll enjoy that kind of life until I've actually tried it eh.

---

Was chatting with my dad and he shared a bit about stuff. Talked about his work where he talked about his colleague of 30+ years resigning, and then he suddenly opened an envelope and passed me a few slips of paper together with a card. Apparently his teacher's daughter (who is about the same age as him) got involved in a car accident and passed away last month. His teacher stays in the US but comes back to Singapore once every 2 years, and they'll always meet up with his other friends and teachers too.

He was telling me about the nice stuff his teacher used to do, the kind of heart she had, and lamented that nowadays people are so different. And I have to agree. Things change. Oh well. Then the conversation about how people used to talk less and just do more, but people nowadays tend to talk a lot in beautiful flowery language but actions lacklustre.

Ahh and there's always a time for something. When the time is up, it's time to move on.

Choir elections - a new chapter

2010-03-16T00:34:00.002+08:00

Had post-concert celebrations followed by choir elections.

So my commitment for choir AY10/11 would be Asst Student Conductor and Bass Section Leader. And I'm already being asked whether I'll be able to cope with the double posts coupled with law school. And the answer is, I really won't know until I try.

As for SL, I was wondering about the responsibilities once again, and I thought to myself, why the heck did I agree to take it up? Having done SL in rioHC, I told myself, at the time when I entered NUSchoir, that I shall not take up SL again. It's not that I didn't enjoy it. I had fun with my section mates, made really good friends in there and thoroughly enjoyed the exposure given during my JC days. That said, I fully well know that SL job can be quite a crappy one. So once again the same old question - why then did I agree to take it up?

And then I figured, it's really for the love of music, for the friends, and the relationships that will be built along the way. So therein marks the opening of a new chapter in my choral journey experience, a new milestone in my uni life, and the start of weaving many more memories that will be held dear to my heart many many years down the road.

Looking forward to working alongside Gabriel and JiaLoon, as well as the rest of the comm.

So from now until a year later, may the Lord bless and guide me.

a few quick observations

2010-03-09T20:11:00.002+08:00

Been busy since the start of the semester chionging choir scores, worrying about the JYF programmes, amongst many other things. So much so that I realised I haven't had the time to really sit down and think stuff. Not even the CNY 'break', if you would even call it a break.

Anyhows, I don't want to get into my pensive mood, at least not the night before VV 2010.

I realise that when I really don't like something, I will have zero motivation for it. Zilch. And that is what my Legal Theory has relegated into. Yes but it cannot go on like this. Not when there's only one and a half more months to the final exams. In another 1.5mths, I'll be taking my first paper on 26 April. And I'm still convincing myself to get into the mugging mood, my mind quite happily telling itself that school has just started and I should be GETTING into the mugging mood.

Oh well, truth be told. I'm not the wee bit prepared for anything. So that's why I'll be reading all my Legal Theory materials starting from the next lesson onwards, and hopefully engaging with them. And in view of the gravity of the issue, I have asked Priscilla to give me a slap if I turn up for class next Tuesday unprepared.

Alright now, Legal Theory aside, I know there are many more random bits and pieces that are floating around which I have yet to catch hold of and put them into the larger fabric of my conscious mind. Yet I do know that my subconscious is already overloading - that I'm now resorting to escapism (subconsciously). I'll just let it be for another night. I'll sort things out after VV tmr.

I will sort things out.

-

2010-03-06T03:25:00.004+08:00

I just thought that these two songs can be aptly juxtaposed in this manner..

Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing

Love is a many splendoured thing,

It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring;

Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,

The golden crown that makes a man a king.

Once on a high and windy hill,

In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,

Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing,

Yes, true love's a many splendoured thing

Ashita wa Hare kana, Kumori kana

Kinono Kana shimi

Kyono Namida

Ashita wa Hare kana

Kumori kana

Kinono Kuru shimi

Kyono Nayami

Ashita wa Hare kana

Kumori kana

Yesterday's sorrows

Today's tears

Will tomorrow, I wonder,

Be cloudy or clear?

Yesterday's troubles

Today's pain

Will tomorrow, I wonder,

Be cloudy or clear?

[edit: a love story which ended, which was concluded nicely (not an ugly breakup)

but now that you're looking back, you start wondering how your love life might be in the future

and you wonder whether you'll find another person that you can hold and call your own

although you can interpret it as a little mix of reminiscence of your past lover, if you really want]

Liberalisation and 377A

2010-02-26T23:43:00.002+08:00

Been talking about s377A pretty much in law school this semester. Well for the record, I think it's by now too over-used and over-rated that we should move on? But yeah, I do know it'll still be brought up now and then because it's pretty much a good example to talk about morality and the law. Anyways, just decided to pen down my views for s377A (which I have to disclaim first do not represent any formal views of any organisations, institutions, ministries, religion etc; nor does this seek to further any political agenda. All perspectives raised are solely personal opinion which has no other intention apart from penning down my own thoughts. And if the discussion of sex and homosexuality offends you, then please do not read this. Further, I perhaps should label this at least an NC16 post.)

For the uninitiated, 377A was widely debated a few years back when the government was reviewing the Singapore Penal Code (Cap. 224). Essentially, the provision criminalises sex between 2 consensual males, even if the act is done in private. It escalated into the whole Repeal377A faction against the Keep377A camp. And largely, the arguments were based on morality issues.

After all, what harm can there be if 2 guys had consensual sex behind closed doors and no one else knows. Granted they harm themselves because gays spread HIV/AIDS. As much as the label of AIDS as a 'gay disease' has relatively waned in recent times, it is note-worthy that my mum was bordering on the edge of falling prey to the misconception that gays = AIDS and vice versa.

Then there's the argument that should 377A be repealed, we are endorsing the homosexual lifestyle and thus undermine the larger social fabric - essentially the harm done to society. The main thesis there is that 377A stands to protect the community's standard of decency. Should we decriminalise homosexual sex, there will be rampant increase in homosexuality, which would be disastrous to society.

Well, wrong on both counts.

1) It is fallacious to argue that repealing 377A will result in a rampant increase in homosexuality. Ask a straight guy, 'Now that 377A has been repealed and consensual homosexual sex is no longer illegal, won't you want to try/do it?' and the reply you are likely to get is more like than not, 'Hell no!'

2a) An increase in homosexuality prevalence in Singapore would be disastrous to society. Well, if you're looking at the family building block as the core unit of making up your society because they are the one who will produce offspring for the next generation, then arguable, yes it is disastrous to that effect. Yet, there are homosexual couples who would love to have their own kids and, should the law allow adoption of kids for homosexual couples, I don't quite see the concern behind it.

2b) And apart from the falling birth rate, I don't quite see what other major social repercussions there can be. Unless you buy the whole homosexuality = immoral theory.

In fact, s377A has been seen to serve a more denunciatory function - that it expresses the social condemnation and the law expresses the state of social norms/morals at that time. Yet we have seen the government take the lead in some socially-not-too-well-received policies. I'm not saying that the government should do this all the time - indeed, I do agree that it takes a delicate balance to sort this out, but we should not forget that one of the main aims of the government is to steer the country in the 'right' direction.

Before I sound one-sidedly biased and sound like some ardently-repressed poor soul, let me qualify myself by saying that this is meant to be more of an academic discussion of which, if by now it is not clear, I am for repealing 377A. No, I'm not some gay rights activist, and neither would I push strongly for repealing 377A. But if ever there comes a day for a national referendum, I think it's pretty clear where my vote will go to.

Living in a multi-cultural, multi-racial country has seen a good deal of tolerance with regards to the law. The law doesn't favour one race over the other, nor discriminate one religion more so than the other, for after all, Singapore is a secular country. If that's the case, shouldn't or can't sexuality be viewed as a form of 'minority' such that even if we do not confer on them 'minority rights', surely they have a right to be recognised and respected?

Then, I will foresee social vehemence at my suggestion - because homosexuality is wrong and immoral!

Uh, question... Wrong and immoral by whose standards? Your standard, my standard, the govt's standard, a particular religion's standard?

Oh, no, it's just that it's obviously an unsaid thing that everyone feels that it's immoral and wrong!

Hmm, alright maybe so, maybe not. By doing a random simple asking around sort of survey, you may find people who are against homosexuality and its status as an alternative lifestyle, but when asked whether they think homosexual sex should be criminalised, more often than not it's replied in the negative.

So the above are some of my views to the issue - putting down for the record. Well, if you really want to discuss anything with me, I'm more than happy and welcome to talk about it.

With all the above said, let me progress to something more optimistic before I conclude.

While 377A is still good law, and I do find it oxymoron-ic and paradoxical that the government strikes a compromise by stating in no unclear terms that they will not actively enforce the statute (which even more supports my proposition that it should be repealed because it seems to be left there to pacify part of the masses), I am equally thankful that the government has at least promised not to actively enforce it. This is a paradigm shift from the 1990s where the police frequently conducted what is known as sting operations to flush out the well-known 'gay areas'. Sting operations are, in its most simplified terms, operations where policemen infiltrate such areas and pretending to be a gay, and seeking to procure/encourage homosexual advances, which would then allow them to successfully arrest and prosecute them under the law.

Perhaps I'm being far too optimistic but as the saying goes 'To live is to want, to want is to suffer' and hence to break out of it, I guess a good way would be to find things that one can be thankful for.

Back to my optimistic view of liberalisation of Singapore, such issues are now more frequently raised (as compared to the past where such topics are hush-hush or even taboo), and the media seems to take into account the rise of homosexuality. Or so I term it. Starting from brokeback mountain which is the classic example of homosexuality in the theatres, there has been more subtle undertones along the way. And in Valentine's Day which I watched with my cousins some 2 weeks ago, *spoiler alert* yes, there's the usual lovey-dovey plotlines with the predictable twists, with very awesome actors/actresses, but what struck me pretty hard was the inclusion of a gay couple. It was more of a sideplot and the development to the final culmination in such a revelation caught me off guard. I did not see it coming at all.

Perhaps, I rejoice too soon, too much, at the most little of things. Indeed, as I said, I'm no gay rights activist, nor do I seek to further any such agenda. I'm picking up this clues/hints as I go along in my daily life which makes me bear the hope that in the not-too-far future, 377A will be brought up again, and that the whole homosexuality issue will surface once more, with a more positive outcome, with one step forward in the name of liberalisation. I think more can be done if we shift our focus to helping poor teenagers (and indeed, even people of older ages) struggling with their sexuality grow up and receiving proper help/counselling such that they will not feel being an outcast - all these rather than spending the efforts in downplaying the plausible alternative of homosexuality, condemning it as a social abomination, and seeking to suppress it as much as we can.

If you think I'm feeling too strongly about this issue, then maybe you can consider that I've seen too many people struggle with such issues that it becomes destructive, they lose sight of their purpose in life, they spend more time agonising over it than other arguably more important things, they end up being all so emotional and unaccepting of themselves that it becomes dysfunctional, when all they need is support in order to have a childhood which is not all that traumatic. Do we really want to continue using such labels of social immorality and abomination which are inevitably destroying the childhood of our loved ones (even though we may not know it)? And when you realise that you have friends who are determined in leaving Singapore for another country because they find the culture here too unaccepting and too judgmental, perhaps you may also then find such an impetus to write in support of this issue. I'm not saying that we should promote homosexuality, or that homosexuality is right or wrong. I just urge everyone to be more tolerant (like we have been of different races and religions) and accept how some people are, and to love them the way they are simply because they are fellow human beings, with a rational mind and the same emotional needs.

love, breakup... love again?

2010-02-26T23:11:00.002+08:00

Been procrastinating in blogging about love (which was inspired by a few things) and now it seems like I'm more inspired to blog about breakups and heartbreaks.

Just this week alone, the week right after CNY, I already know of 5 break-ups - of relationships lasting 1 year, 5 years and even 10 years. And when you heard of someone who has just broken up with a partner of 10 years, your heart just goes out to that person. No matter how much dislike you have against that person, no matter how much bias you have against that person, surely, as a fellow human being you just feel for that poor soul. After all, it's 10 years of life-sharing, of spending awesome joys together, and walking through those dark valleys with each other.

And then in comparison, the 1 year relationship seems less consequential. Still, feelings can't be measured by time and space, can they? Perhaps it was the very first relationship one has gotten into, perhaps it was a relationship where one felt ready/willing to commit to for the rest of his life.

And so the magic question: why, even after we have been hurt (some more than a few times), do we still go on to look for another person and then plunge into a relationship eventually?

I guess as much as we may hate to admit it, deep deep inside all of us there exists this innate desire which yearns for company and attention. Something more than what your family gives you, and something more than what your friends can give you. The desire of possession and a sense of belonging and a shared life. Do we not crave for a partner who, at the end of our crazy day, we can go back to and simply rest in whose company?

As the Robbie Williams song goes - 'Send someone to love me, I need to rest in arms, Keep me safe from harm, In pouring rain.'

And so that's the irrational side kicking in, telling you that even though you may be hurt once more, it's worth risking a shot because you never know if things might just turn out well this time round. Ahh Jay Chou's 轨迹 suddenly comes to mind:

如果说分手是苦痛的起点，那在终点之前，我愿意再爱一遍。

And from Mitch Albom's Five People You Meet In Heaven - 'That's the thing. Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else.'

问世间：情为何物，只叫人生死相许？

That's the way..

2010-02-22T09:24:00.002+08:00

Can't believe that the CNY recess week is over already. And we're back to school again.

No more random weird self-indulgences, no more self-pitying, no more over-anxiety, and no more horribly prolonged procrastination.

'Nothing worth having ever comes easily'. How true indeed. So time to work my ass off and be productive and less inefficient in utilising my time and resources.

Here we go again..

love, sex, intimacy

2010-02-17T23:12:00.004+08:00

A friend once told me that the reason why people look for sex in IRC, instead of love, is simply because it's much easier to achieve that purpose.

Well, I guess that's very true - you pretty just need someone else who is seeking to fulfill that physical or physiological urge/desire; opposed to finding that special someone whom you would have certain feelings for and having these feelings reciprocated, it would be easier to just fulfill that urge. After all, you can pay someone to have sex with you, (or it might even be free if both parties are consensual), but you certainly cannot pay someone to love you. Though of course technically one can argue that money can buy anything, including love, but I'll choose to believe that true love cannot be bought. You might be able to buy a person's company, buy a person's attention and display of affection, buy a person's time of entertaining you and chatting with you on the phone, but that doesn't mean that you would have bought the person's very heart. It goes beyond the superficial.

That said, love and sex need not be two mutually exclusive concepts. Yes, you can give sex to someone without loving the person (think red-light-districts), and you can give love without giving sex (think pre-marriage relationships). Yet, more often than not, with love comes sex. And somehow I could never fully explain that notion, especially when there are those rarer cases of 'with sex comes love'. At least, not until another of my friend introduced me to another concept which effectively threw in another variable into the whole love-sex equation - intimacy.

With that, things start to make more sense. Why do couples make out when they are not planning to have kids? Well, physical pleasure aside, there's always that larger and more intense feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. That knowledge that the two individuals are engaged in an act so private and intimate that it's exclusive. It's a sensation so intangible that we can only label it as intimacy. That sense of closeness, familiarity, warmth and belonging. It's the time when you show your vulnerability to the other party, and such sheer exposure is reciprocated.

And so, now I start to see the triangular relationship of love-sex-intimacy. It's not that I have always seen things as clear-cut either love or sex, it's just that now I can pin it down to this particular word.

Indeed, intimacy is THE essential in any relationship. Love is what keeps it going, but it's generally under-rated and understated. You don't go around telling your friends that you love them, but you act it out. Of course, not by kissing them every other day, but by showing that sense of closeness, that sort of intimacy that exists between you two. Be it a simple hug, or a touch on the face, or simply anything at all to display that human touch to an otherwise very intangible thing called relationship. It may also be a simple appreciative gesture like a word of thanks, a phrase of compliment, or a sentence of elaborate praise that is so over-the-tops it hints more of sarcasm - it's something which tells the person that he is appreciated, loved, recognised and not taken for granted.

And yes, we all thrive on those simple gestures which shout love, affection and appreciation. Sometimes because that's the evidence of the other party's love for you, something that affirms the reciprocation of whatever you are giving the person.

A New Dawn

2010-02-15T01:03:00.004+08:00

Wrote this last year V-Day as I was walking home after a day's work of teaching piano - was inspired by the moon. Was reading through my previous blog posts and came across this and I thought it was apt to repost it here. I guess it serves as an introduction to my next post.. Once again, this is dedicated to all lovers out there. =)

A New Dawn
As I lift my eyes to the moon,
I see a new dawn breaking -
As sure as the monsoon;
A new weather in the making.

The hope for a season like Spring,
Or is it something like Winter?
The yearning for all things fine bring,
Or would it be better if storms banter? -
Replete with fun and humour and mirth,
Ornate with pain and sorrow and girth.

Extrapolate the sun against the rain,
Lamentations of Spring in the cold,
Manifestations of such juxtapositions -
Oh, the beauty that exudes therein!

Love, the irony that comes within,
Or the unbecomings and irrationalities,
Verily, verily, it overturns the
Expectations, of a new dawn.

singlehood and marriage

2010-02-14T00:09:00.002+08:00

Had the whole family together at the dining table for lunch. Afterwhich someone suggested playing charades, and somehow it evolved to dog-and-bone. Was pretty exciting to see my dad and mum running like they've never played before. Hm, anyhows, it just struck me when I was sitting there and watching everyone - my dad is such a blessed fortunate man.

Having 4 kids, with the youngest being 20 this year, my dad can start to take things slightly easier, to relax and enjoy his life more. And I could see that joy emanating from his radiant face and ever so cheerful disposition. It's not that he has not gone through any hardships, nor any turbulent storms to get to where he is now. It's just, how many people can actually say that they have 4 kids who are competent in their own ways, responsible and filial to the degree that it's sufficiently comforting/reassuring. Well, before this post sounds like a self-complimenting chunk of words, I best qualify myself by saying that if not for my parents, the kids wouldn't have turned out exactly the same.

The point of this entry is not to expound on my parents' way of bringing us up, and most definitely it's not about compliments either. I was just wondering, when I reached the age of my dad some 30 years later, would I be able to share this similar joy?

Would I still be fighting hard for my career, and would I still be single and alone? I know I've said countless of times that I really don't mind staying a bachelor, and I still do recognise the value of staying a swinging single, but that's not to say that I don't see the point of having a partner. After all, it's only natural that we all desire some form of love, affection and attention.

At the end of the day, we're all just scared of getting hurt (again) isn't it?

weird blabberings

2010-02-05T23:54:00.002+08:00

Rationalise.

Rationalise it away, rationalise over it, rationalise it.

That's the way things work, that's how it's gonna be like.

It's not within your control, it's not within your control, it's not within your control.

Maybe that's what makes it worse? Maybe, but don't think about it for now.

Rationalise, rationalise, rationalise.

simplicity, sincerity, unassuming, sensitive

2010-02-04T00:45:00.003+08:00

a simple stroll,

a simple chat;

a simple drink,

a simple touch;

a stroll of catching up,

a stroll of joy;

a stroll of knowing more,

a stroll of ease;

a drink of surprise,

a drink of touch.

Wonder what's with the gush of feelings and thoughts.

Maybe it was the simplicity of it all, or the sincerity of it all.

Perhaps it was the quietness of it which spoke volumes to me.

And I finally understand how wonderful and fortunate it is to have unassuming friends - the sort of ease you feel when someone simply wears his cards on his sleeve. Knowing that he has no hidden agenda, nor being secretly manipulative, the trust and comfort level is gratifying to say the least.

Which made me think of the friends I have in life, and I once again said a silent prayer for you - for strength, wisdom and joy.

And it struck me that it would be indeed wonderful if I could have that simple someone, being unassuming and understanding, being always there for me. Being sensitive too. I don't ask for a lot. Just someone for a quick hug, and a peck on the cheek, and someone to reassure me when the world is crumbling that everything will be alright. Ahh, suddenly this song comes to mind again.

我相信抱着
你的手就温暖了
睡着或醒着
我的手为你加温
就算明天崩塌又如何
我们手握着
外面天再冷
全都由我负责

'the best things in life come free'

2010-01-29T21:45:00.003+08:00

Choir ended on time yesterday, but decided to lag around and chat a bit. It was pretty nice to be able to have a chat with jialoon and sorongon. Probably the longest chat I've had with them thus far. Talking about languages and countries, and then moving on to talking about the moon and the sky. Somehow, the simplicity of the conversation just made it even more enjoyable. Looking at the moon and the halo of light around it, jialoon remarked that often, the best things in life are free.

Instinctively I agreed. It's always about the smallest and most simplest of things, isn't it? A simple short stroll in the campus at night with a nice breeze with awesome company and looking at the sky together. There was something serene and zen about it that I can't put a finger to. I didn't mind leaving school only at 11pm.

And then I started thinking about the simple and free things in life that's always awesome. And I figured, that as we humans get more technologically advanced, we're plugged in or wired up almost every second. Plug in to the mp3/iPod when we are travelling, wire up to the internet when we are in school, build connections with our handphones. That's why I will appreciate it when my handphone runs out of battery when I'm outside. Well, after getting over the initial panic of being uncontactable and lacking a means of communication, I find myself no longer needing to worry if I missed out an sms from someone - I'm out of the house, I'm uncontactable, and now I can do anything and go anywhere I want without disturbance. Yes of course I know this cuts both way but I think I've made my point.

Going back to the issue of free things in life, inevitably the play of mankind VS nature comes to mind. We always celebrate the human spirit when we push ourselves to surpass our past achievements and raise the bar/standards. Indeed, when Burj Khalifa in Dubai, UAE was unveiled on 4th January this year, I was amazed by the advancements of mankind that has allowed us to build a building standing at 828m. But I recall being at Taipei 101 last year (which held the title of the tallest building in the year prior to Burj Khalifa's completion), and as much as I was wow-ed by sheer presence of the building, there seems to be something lacking. Maybe it's because when we are in that state of awe, we are not so much awestruck by the sheer height, but rather, people are more interested in the view of the surroundings and unmistakenly, the sunset.

There's something so simple about sunset that makes it so magical. It's free, and you can see it everyday, yet people can never seem to have enough of it. The warmth of the sunset, the magnificent view that blankets upon the land, the stillness of the whole event - it's just naturally breath-taking that you stay captivated, not wanting to miss any moment of it.

I would think it great to have the company of a few friends to share the breath-taking moment - to do something together that's simple yet amazing;

or be in the company of that special someone while gazing at the sun dipping beneath that horizon - holding hands as if it's a sign of promise and commitment which the sun witnesses, to be in the arms of each other, 2 hearts beating as one, so as to minimise the disturbance;

or to simply spend the view in solitude - pensive, self-reflexive, indulging in the beauty of nature.

Had wanted to go on more about the grandeur of nature and other issues, but I think it's somehow apt to put a stop here, for now. There's something inexplicably breath-taking.

heroes and one last look at 2009

2010-01-26T14:35:00.003+08:00

Somehow I found myself to be in the blogging mood while in school during a random break in between lessons, but I don't exactly have very well sorted out thoughts right now. So found this partial draft entry which has been overdue for weeks. Ohwells, so here goes.

I remember writing this sentence for an intro to an exposition essay in secondary school:

Many people walk in and out of your life, but only heroes leave footprints.

Well, if I still go by this, then I would have had many many heroes in my life already. I realise that most people who have crossed my path in life generally do leave their footprints - be it a pleasant mark that I can look back and smile to myself, or the ostensibly indelible less-than-desirable bruise.

Well, that aside, maybe I should change my definition of a 'hero' to someone who has influenced me to leave positive footprints in other people's life.

Just want to look back at 2009 as I step into the new year 2010. As people have told me, and as I do myself admit, 2009 has pretty much been a year of great change. In many aspects, both internally, externally and more.

First up, perhaps the most noticeable change (especially for my church frens), is the apparent heightened consciousness pertaining to fashion. Not that I have transformed from a caterpillar to a butterfly, or from a fashion noob to a fashionista - but more of someone who now pays more attention to looking better. Of course I'm not at the forefront of the ever-changing retail industry, but definitely now I'm more aware of things. And on the topic of self-grooming, well, you might possibly assert (as what my parents definitely do think) that I have become more vain. That largely depends on how you define vanity. If vanity means taking an extra look in the mirror to make sure that everything goes well and is in place, if vanity means becoming more particular about appearance, if vanity becomes more aware of personal grooming, then yes I have become more vain. But if vanity means reading every single piece of fashion news, if vanity means reading fashion websites/blogs and attempting to emulate them, if vanity means thinking that appearance is much more important than the inside, then no, I have not become more vain. And to the hero that has made me more aware and initiated into this whole new era, well, that's something you have left behind in my life that I can possibly never forget.

On the inside, I have become more settled (or so I think), more shameless (not entirely in the negative sense), more aware of my shortcomings, etc.

Ah, just one more person to thank, for being that (more or less) constant in my life last year, especially through all the crap, and thanks for bearing with my crappy moodswings. And for remembering all the seemingly silly and unimportant details which actually speak volumes. The chat with you last week really made me realise how I was like last year. And to this hero, I just wanna thank God for all that He has given me, and you, that as much as it was really scary to know that you still remember all the things which I did not even articulate, and even unsettling to hear that you could sense the underlying undertones, it's pretty awesome to know that there's someone who is that in sync especially when I didnt think it was the case. :)

Just a short one for 2009. I think I'll leave most of it to memories. Here's to an awesome 2010, or rather, more fulfilling and meaningful and even humbling year.

I could sing of Your love forever

2010-01-18T03:57:00.002+08:00

Happened to pop by my blog and I realised I haven't posted anything in this new year. Maybe I'll get down to talking about my resolutions, maybe I won't. Either way, this post most definitely isn't about resolutions.

Halfway through my criminal law readings for Tuesday - will do the other half tomorrow. I should be heading to bed at such an unearthly hour, given that I need to be in school around 10-ish for more research and my day tomorrow probably only ends around 10pm. So that's a good 12hours in school.

Somehow, I'm feeling this zen now. At a most weird time, to say the least. I'm not done with my school work, I have choir scores to revise/memorise, I have to wake up early, I'm not exactly having things going most smoothly, having personal stuff to sort out, having church work to ponder about, and of course the list can go on indefinitely. Yet, it's really weird. It's a subtle zen that I have not been acquainted with.

I'm pretty sure I'll be back on this space pretty soon - sometime this week. I've got lots of sorting out to do, to ramble about some issues, and more importantly, to sort out the balance for school-church-others.

Alright then. What an anti-climatic first post for 2010. And on a very belated note, blessed 2010 to everyone out there, and may the Lord continue to lead, guide and bless each and everyone of us, for Great is His faithfulness, in His time and in His plan! :)

traffic lights in a run

2009-12-29T00:32:00.002+08:00

Life is like a run. There's uphill, there's downslope, there'll be times you feel like running fast, there'll be times you have to slow down the pace, then sometimes (if you didn't plan properly) you might run into a dead end and have to make a detour, and sometimes you give up and walk. And in urbanised Singapore, there's always traffic lights along the running route.

Sometimes you really feel like giving up, but you see a traffic straight ahead, so it motivates you to chiong, knowing that you can possibly rest there till the pedestrian light goes green.
Sometimes life decides to play a joke on you - when you chiong your way to the traffic light, the pedestrian signal turns from red to green, and so you press on without resting.
Sometimes even though the pedestrian signal is red, but you see that there is not much traffic flow, you decide to just sprint across the road without resting.

And then one day you realise that you thrive on traffic lights such that you are running every leg of the race just for the traffic light. It seems to have become the only motivation to continue running the race. Well, the over-dependence may be a signal that something's not quite right. After all, you didn't embark on the race just for the traffic lights right?

Ohwells, we all have our own form of traffic lights and somehow, I've been running the past few months without a good relief at the red pedestrian light. There was this time I was approaching the pedestrian crossing when it was still red, but it decided to play a joke on me by turning to green just as I reached it. It was pretty crumbling, to say the least, but at times like this, that's where your mental strength is put to the test. I'm not too sure how I want to evaluate that leg of the race. It sure wasn't spectacular, but somehow I survived.

Maybe that's why I've become more sceptical when I see an upcoming traffic light. While there's a saying 'Aim for the moon. Even if you fail, you'll land among the stars.', it's also true that the higher you raise your hopes up, the harder you'll fall. Some say it's a matter of optimism versus pessimism; I'd rather choose to see it as a matter of idealism against pragmatism.

Disillusioned? Jaded? Let's just say such words are a lil' too strong. Pragmatic's the word. As I like to say - Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. That way, you'll be in a better condition to take things in your stride. So with that, I'll prepare myself mentally for the worst, but I'll definitely be praying and hoping that the traffic light will stay red when I reach it.

regret, sex, love

2009-12-17T21:44:00.003+08:00

Was back for ICT last week. Had a few guys who were older than me serving ICT together - 2 26y/o and 1 37y/o. And then the topic of being old crept up more than once. Naturally, they were lamenting about their [lack of] youth and energy, and it just reminded me of the topic that's pretty much been in my mind for a while already. Regret. Had too much things floating in my mind revolving around this theme but probably lots of it is just fluff. Anyhows, I'll just try to see what I've got so it might seem quite rambly.

No one likes doing things that they'll regret. Yet we'll never be able to foresee the future, nor will we have the benefit of hindset when making that decision. So in all circumstances, we consider the situation carefully and try to make the best out of it. And sometimes, the best just doesn't seem to be sufficient, or that at that point you might have thought it was great but subsequently you regretted your choice.

I know of people who regret wasting their youth on things so meaningless and pointless, people who regret wasting their time just sitting around and not doing anything productive. Then there are also people who regret not putting their best into their studies. I guess such things are pretty understandable. But as I went on in life, I discovered things which people regret that I never thought they would. People who regretted having too much sex. Putting religion aside for a moment, as much as I do frown upon pre-marital sex, I never would have imagined people regretting it. But what I found most amazing was that the people whom I talked to who have had their 'glorious' days of conquest are at the end of the day, pretty embarrassed about their deeds. And they pretty much look back in regret, and say that their numerous conquests are not something they are proud of. And this goes for both heterosexuals and homosexuals. And the best part? Both groups of people inevitably boil it down to a feeling of void in some depths inside them.

I'll never forget what someone once told me - that it's so easy to find someone for sex than to find someone for love. Indeed, there's multiple avenues for the former, be it the red-light districts, online forums, irc, chat channels etc. Perhaps that's why for some people, they would rather enjoy the moment before them, then to set themselves on the arduous journey of finding that 'true love'. And what makes of us, the people who are searching for the love of their lives? When we think that we might have feelings for a particular someone, we're afraid that the feelings ain't reciprocated and we'll get rejected. Or that maybe we don't know how to make that first move and are too scared to initiate anything. After all, there's a Chinese saying which goes 'a woman is most afraid of marrying the wrong guy'. That goes similarly for guys too.

Ahh I don't entirely know how I have digressed/veered from my original theme of regret. But anyhows, here's what you get when I'm not in my best of shape. Apologies for this sub-standard post.

Changing and losing identity

2009-12-03T20:40:00.004+08:00

My bro's hp rang while he was asleep, and it sparked off this post.

Some of us really love chatting on the phone, while some wouldn't mind a quick chat or two, and then there are some others who just really ain't fond of the phone.
Some of us love to send out "mundane" sms (like have you eaten dinner, what are you doing now etc) every other day, while some would appreciate such sms once in a long while, and then there are those who would rather not have them.

And when you are in a relationship, and you realise that the other person is quite different from your preference, what makes of it then? Would you change? Or would you rather the person change to suit you?

Sometimes you try to change, and then you realise you just can't. Or maybe you were just not doing your best 'cos there was some form of reluctance/unwillingness. I'm guessing that it's probably so part of your identity that people will remark "it's so you". If you became synonamous with such a trait, then why would you want to change something that's so idiosyncratic of yourself?

Because if that happens, you'll end up losing yourself - your identity.
But then again, love is irrational and makes us lose ourselves isn't it?

Another of the inherent irreconcilable oxymorons of love.

random monday piano lesson

2009-11-23T21:56:00.003+08:00

Till now, I'm still amazed at the effects giving piano lessons have on me, and the things that come to mind during the lessons.

If you've ever given any lessons to any kid, you would probably understand how hard it is to make them see your point, or to get them to remember something.

I was pointing to this note on the book and asking him what the note was. The correct answer is D (out of 7 possibilities) The conversation went sth like this:
kid: C!
me: C?
kid: uh, no no no. E!
me: E???
kid: uhm, no no, G!!
me: G?????
kid: I know! F!
me: *half-dead* F?!?!?! How can this be F?!
kid: D!

Gosh, the immense gratification and satisfaction is being words, seriously. In fact, at that point in time, one word came to my mind describe whatever I was feeling. Orgasmic. Haha okay don't flame me for using such words, but I guess I just can't find another more appropriate word in my limited vocabulary.

Subsequently, the same kid got another note wrong. He got it right on his second attempt but I decided to be mean and test him a bit. The conversation went sth like this (and I still can't believe I actually did it):
kid: D!
me: D?
kid: yes!
me: sure?
kid: yes!
me: you sure?
kid: yes..
me: how sure are you?
kid: very sure.
me: very sure? what if you're wrong?
kid: uh, wrong then I die..

Seriously. I can't believe that I, at 21 years old, assuming the position of a teacher, was actually doing this. Must be the post-torts thing man.

just dropping by to say hi

2009-11-21T03:18:00.002+08:00

Hello Blog. I seem to have neglected you quite a bit the past few weeks/months, judging from the irregularity of my posts, and the less-than-spectacular content I've been putting up. Yet, I realise I always come back to seek solace in you whenever things don't go too smoothly for me in life. I know I should go to your cousin Diary instead but I guess you're just more approachable and easily within reach. And I'll admit, confiding in Diary can be quite a Herculean task whereas with you, everything just flows out naturally and in a more relaxed manner.

I'm not too sure what I wanna tell you, given that you are such a transparent entity - I'm not complaining about it because it's my choice anyway. But sometimes I just wish I could just pour out everything inside to you, 'cos it seems that you can and will take everything I have to say, without passing judgments, without having to excuse yourself because of work/school tomorrow, and because at such a weird time, I guess you're probably my only sane friend around who's not asleep and I don't mind imposing on.

You know what, I really wish I can lie on your shoulders and just close my eyes into oblivion - even if it's just for a couple of minutes. I think I'll be contented enough to just have a temporary escape from the crazy pace of life, from the screwed-up decisions I've made, from the impending crap that is gonna be thrown at me. And I know you won't blame me if I end up tearing and wetting your shoulders. If only you could extend your hand to pat my head for a second, just to reassure me that everything's gonna be alright. Even if both of us know that it's not true, I guess it would be nice to have that moment of self-denial, self-delusion that I'm indeed safe in a crazy world. Just so that I'd know the world ain't as onerous as it looks. Don't you agree?

I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling this crapped up now. A big part of it is probably the old enemy Exams - you know, the guy who always disturbs me and wrecks havoc in my life once in a while? Yet at the same time, I know myself pretty well, that such intense feelings of crap do not stem from a single incident; it's the culmination of a compendium of crap that I've just swept under the carpet. And then it accumulated into this small hill-like protrusion against the carpet, which ultimately trips me. And I fall. And you know, there are times when you fall and you just don't feel like picking yourself up. For some reasons, you just want to stay there, flat on your face, for a few more moments. With the cold floor staring right straight at your face, you realise you just don't want to stand up that quickly lest you trip again. That's what's going on now I suppose. And I'll just lay there, whine until someone comes along to pick me up, and soothe me well again. Oh, you know what? I think I've already picked myself up. Probably that's why I wanted to lie on your shoulders. It's a form of temporary escape for me to release all that pent-up emotions I had in that fall.

I was thinking about Exams just now, and I was kinda glad that I wasn't in this by myself. Well, it's kinda a common enemy with some of my friends too. In the past, I was either sufficiently prepared for his tricks and onslaught, or I was not sufficiently prepared but was not too bothered by it. And back in those days, I could go around helping others and caring for their war-torn state. Now, I find myself in that war-torn state and been craving for someone to soothe my wounds. It got pretty bad but I only realised just now, that staying in that craving is in fact counter-productive. I got up, tried to care for others, and in fact I find myself even more emotionally prepared to face this old enemy.

Well, all those aside, I was wondering why I am feeling so crapped-up about facing this old enemy again. A friend told me some days ago to relax and rationalised that perhaps I was going through this panic attack due to expectations. I'm not entirely sure whether that is the truth, or maybe I'm just denying the truth. Anyhows, a thought came to mind as I was taking stock of my equipment: if my parents were to come to me and told me that it doesn't matter the outcome of the face-off between Exams and I, would I necessarily be less apprehensive? Frankly, I couldn't come up with an answer. But I do know, I would really appreciate if I knew of their support and understanding. Well, to be fair to them, I do have one of the most understanding/supportive parents around but I guess, when you're preparing for war, the last thing you need is for people to come up to you and ask you to stop preparing in order to do something else 'more important' like eat or sleep. It's not that I'm neglecting my meals or sleep, it's just that my values/habits are different from them, isn't it? I recognise the importance of rest and energy when engaging in a battle, but having 100% energy and alertness but highly inadequate armour and ammunition will just render a lost cause - it's not rocket science right?

Ah, those mixed feelings of bitching-understanding-complaining-messaging-catching.up are coming up again. It's an issue that's highly complex and delicate. Yet, I've managed to bring it down to pretty simple terms. However, I'm beginning to wonder and question myself. It's just that it's surfaced and cast aside so many times I'm really starting to doubt. And I know I've been escaping from it because... because.. damn. I don't really know the answer myself. Because I don't want to impose my standards on others? Because I don't want to 'lose face'? Because I'd rather live in denial to give myself one more thing to be proud and happy of? Because I might be the one that's thinking too much? Because I don't want another self-fulfilling prophesy? Because I don't want to admit that things peaked so quickly a plateau or decline is inevitable? Blarhs. I don't wanna bother about it now, especially when I have the big E to face. But then again, this is probably one of the main contributing factors to my fall, and it's at such crappy times that I could do with a message or call or hug that I would question myself.

I think I rambled too much. I'm sorry, friend. I promise I'll try to give you more intellectual discourse after I've recovered from all the fatigue and exasperation. As for now, thanks for the shoulder and ear lent, thanks for being on call 24/7, and thanks for bearing with me without passing judgments or defences. I really need to go now, but I'm sure we'll catch up when I'm free? Yeah, I know it's a cliche and 'catch up soon' is just a nicer way than saying catch up after a long time. It sort gives some sense of (false) hope that it'll take place in the very near future. But I guess, by going into a friendship, we all consented to deal with the ups and downs together, bearing the crap together too.

And oh yeah, if you can, you might wanna keep all these to yourself unless you know that by letting any particular someone in on this, it will make my life better. Though I highly doubt it.

Alright, I really need to go sleep already. I'll hear from you again pretty soon, I hope.

And just to make my point - catch up soon!

quick post - hiatus, inertia, motivation

2009-11-17T22:31:00.003+08:00

Just dropping by for a quick post.

Went house visitation with dingyi and wanjie just now, and i must say it felt real good. Felt good because I was finally doing something productive again and hey, I must say I'm motivated to do my part for the church and for the Lord once again. =)

And I figured the reason I lost my drive some time back was because I took a hiatus - the only thing that'll result from a hiatus is inertia. And it's something that's very real for me in many aspects. Started mugging today *finally*and I actually felt the drive to mug and the quest/thirst for more. Went house visitation, immersed myself in thoughts of tuanqi next year and I'm motivated to start doing a good job out of it.

The only thing is that I need to keep these things going and moving, and not afford another hiatus again. As someone once told me - I need to steer clear of self-fulfilling prophesies and I only just realised how operative it is in my life. Is it too late for this realisation? Well, maybe in some aspects it might be a tad too late, but at least from now on, I know that's a pitfall I need to keep in mind to avoid.

And now, it's back to Tan Keng Feng and his articles on negligence, harrassment, and false imprisonment. =)

brain overdrive in 15mins

2009-11-14T22:06:00.003+08:00

*2007hrs: boarded 852 at church bus stop, thanked God that I managed to get a seat, 'cos I'm really tired*

*2010hrs: boy A and girl B sat in front of me, grandmas C and D sat behind me*

*2015hrs:
C: ".. but now no more deposit already, so you need to have $3 in your ez-link card.."
D: "But I paid the $5 what."
C: "No, that is non-refundable, it's the cost of the card."
A: "I don't mind being the bad guy, if you want. I can give her a slap in the face the next time..."
B: "No, but that's not the point. She's just so..."
A: "You mean she expects us to treat her nice and she treats us like that? It's not fair what. I mean, we can choose to be nice and forgiving, but some people just want to be your friend when things are good, and then... but that's not what friends are what?"
B: "Yah, but..."
~vibration in my jeans, hoping that it's not a phonecall, realises that the vibration persists and just dread looking at the number~
~takes out the phone, realises it's corrine. Ends the phonecall, and thank God that it's not another of those calls which asks me to do stuff~*

And I tried to recall..
the first time I had such a strong dislike for someone
the first time I really felt like I hated someone
the first time I tried to mediate a conflict between 2 friends
the first time I had such raw emotions associated with youth
the first time those feelings of crush crept into my heart
the first time I looked at someone with non-platonic interest
the first time I had those intense feelings of affection
the first time I listened to a friend pour out his heart
the first time I poured out my heart to someone
the first time I thought I found my best friend
the first time your lips touched mine
the first time I couldn't control myself
the first time I went crazy
Well, not all I have answers nor experienced..

*2020hrs: C's phone rang.
C：“我刚才打给你，你没有接。”
C：“没有，我是要跟你讲，桌子上有面包。”
C：“你要记得绑好，然后盖起来。”*

原来，我们的生命就是充满着许多琐琐碎碎的事－终日劳劳碌碌，尚且须要打理忙不完的琐事。但，不是吗？其实生命就是这些小小的事凑起来的！你大概不会花太多心思或时间去烦恼它们的落成。它们已组成了我们生活的架构－一切其他的事物乃绕着它们走啊！

*2022hrs: alighted the bus at the interchange, saw that 947 only had one bus parked at the berth with its lights on, but without driver, instinctively walked out to the bus stop to wait for other buses. Just before I reached the bus stop, 947 zoomed past and I was too lazy to run after it. Finally reached the bus stop, saw an incoming bus and realised it was 176.*

And the first thought that came to mind - 'choice/decision - it's such a bitch, isn't it?'
And inevitably I went back to that point in my life where I had to make that decision, and till now I still wonder if I should have.. or not. And it's that kind of question that no one else can answer, nor can I myself truthfully answer with certainty. I really don't know.
And then even for many other decisions, with every step that you take, you just fear that it's gonna be horrible and that you'll regret. Then there's always those Hobson's choice, false dilemma, Morton's fork.. and then there's always that Nelsonian knowledge..

*2028hrs: 187 came, took out my wallet, happened to flip it open and saw the photo of my sis and I*

And it just suddenly struck how much my love for my sister has evolved and manifested itself in so many different ways of varying degrees along the years...

*2029hrs: there was this small boy who started screaming and making quite a bit of noise*

And I wondered why I really dislike small little kids that much. And I really wonder if I'll ever have kids of my own, and how I will survive when I really do have them..

*2030hrs: the boy pressed the bell repeatedly and the mum was all nice about it*

And I really can't help but think, if back then, 15 years ago, I was the one standing on the seat and pressing the bell repeatedly, what would my parents do to me? And I see the stark contrast between parents-children today and parents-children of the past. And I recognise that the dynamics of such a complex relationship will only be even more varied when my generation assumes the parenting role.

And I thought back about my childhood, which suddenly gave me this crippling feeling. I don't know why, but everytime I recall and think about my childhood, this strong sense of paralysis just grabs me from within and I can't explain it. It just comes. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist to figure things out eh. Anyhows, I figured, just give me my bouts of emo times when I need 'em and I'll move on once I've had my fill.

qualifications, disclaimers, pre-emptive measures..

2009-11-05T17:27:00.002+08:00

Been thinking about this habit of mine for eons. Maybe it's not so much a habit, but pretty much in my character. Whatever the case, it was brought up quite some time ago by a friend, procrastinated in penning this entry, subsequently matriculated into law school and realised how true it was and its attached extensions.

Two main points on the basic situation:
1) I tend to qualify myself in whatever I say, giving tons of disclaimers to certain things.
2) I tend to, upon receiving someone's feedback and reply to my proposition, acknowledge their viewpoint and then simply going on to dismiss them and put mine across - what it looks like is that I seem to have taken into account a person's perspective when in reality, I merely acknowledged his viewpoint without giving much consideration - or at least, that's what my friend pointed out in those observations/comments about me.

First things first, I'll admit to the first point. Well, I can be pretty insecure about myself, about my thoughts (and yes God knows why I'm putting my thoughts to public scrutiny in the cyber world). Sometimes when people point out my blatant error (which I didnt see it so plainly initially), and I realise that it was sheer ignorance on my part and there's no way out of it, then yeah, I'll just remark major fail, attempt to laugh at myself, and make light out of the whole situation. After all, if you have made a mistake, best to acknowledge and admit it than to spiral down the path of further mistakes and embarrassment, while at the same time amusing your friends and providing some comic relief. But such innocuous situations aside, to caveat my remarks and statements are but a way of showing a balanced consideration, and more importantly to give myself a back-door. You can pretty much think of it as a disclaimer or exclusion/limitation clause in a contract/agreement kind of thing. Yes, it does get irritating for some people to talk to me but I guess, that'll just be one of my idiosyncrasies that ain't likely to change.

As for the second issue of discounting and dismissing people's opinions, I'll admit, too, that sometimes I'm guilty of that, but definitely not all the time, notwithstanding the ostensible circumstances. Sometimes, I rebut pretty quickly because the alternative proposed has streaked through my mind before, at some point in time; sometimes, I am just being insecure and it's a defence mechanism that kicks up when I feel that the other party is being vindictive or exploitative; sometimes, it's to see how well-thought-through the person is of his idea, and how strongly he feels for it. Nonetheless, it's palpable (or so I hope) that if you feel sufficiently strongly for something and once again puts it across to me, I will, at the end of the day, listen to you properly and evaluate that alternative.

And if you are one of those who simply can't stand this trait of mine, then it's really a pity because I doubt it'll go away. Especially after 3 months in law school, I'll admit that it manifests itself in many more ways than I could have imagined. When Prof Arun asks a question, there's an impulse to shoot off my mouth my exact thoughts and feelings, but I've learnt from experience that I'll be immediately thrown with the alternative view. So it turns out, when I want to say something, I'll come up with something contradictory to what I wanted to say, and then the battle of ideas takes place inside my mind and I start to trail off. Or when someone asks me something, my mind immediately splits into both sides, or if you want, half of my brain is wearing the Black Hat, and the other half is wearing the Yellow Hat. It pretty much takes place simultaneously, though yes, I know it goes against the teachings of Edward De Bono's 6 Thinking Hats.

Anyhows, I've finally thought through it, and gone through with this entry, and I can (pretty proudly, I must say) say that qualifications, disclaimers and pre-empt are just ways by which I function. I'm not saying it's a good or a bad thing, though it really gets irritating when I realise that almost after every viewpoint/stand I state, the word 'but' immediately follows. Indeed, sometimes on MSN while chatting with friends I had already typed out my but-statements, but I chose to press the backspace key and left it open. Sometimes it's easier that way, sometimes it aint.

To the friend who brought up the issue, at the very least, thanks for being truthful and honest in telling me and I really appreciate it. I won't say that I'll change 'cos I know I probably won't. BUT, I know now that I'll take note and be more wary of the impressions I'm giving people. Now, whenever I qualify with a 'but' after any sentence, it's pretty much instinctive to wonder whether there's really that absolute need for that. And I know that if there's no need for it, or if I can afford to just suspend myself in time for that few seconds and really put some serious thought into the alternative proposition, and to show that I really am giving thought to a person's opinion, then it would be a win-win situation - I don't jump to conclusions, nor rush through a hasty evaluative process, and the person will feel much appreciated, valued and encouraged, bolstering his sense of security and esteem in providing constructive alternative intellectual discourse in the future.

trust

2009-11-05T00:35:00.002+08:00

trust. one simple word, with complicated implications.

monosyllabic, yet gives a special ring to it,

overused, but what's the meaning?

I guess it has been relegated to the same level as believe. I guess to some extent they are pretty similar but trust is a level deeper? Belief is so specific to a particular thing/event, where as trust is more than that.

and this line of thought reminded me of someone who used to be close.. and made me think of my unwritten post about people who have impacted/changed me in so many ways.. soon, soon..

obsession and addiction

2009-10-26T00:07:00.002+08:00

We all have our obsessions, whether or not we would want to admit it. I guess, after all, societal norms have somewhat portrayed obsession in a negatively light, more so than was intended. You'll see more news about how people are obsessed with gambling, with the cyberworld, with computer games than news about how people are obsessed with keeping fit, with looking good, with doing their best for everything. Basically, it's just that humans, by nature, tend to be more intrigued by sensational news than fodder for the intellect.

Obsession is pretty much a neutral term - 'the domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc' ; yes there are overtones of negative implications clouding the definition like 'domination' and 'persistent' but taken to their purest form, I would choose to believe that obsession is a generally neutral term.

I do have my fair share of obsessions. Well, who doesn't? The obsession with finding a time to chill out during really mundane brain-draining sessions, the obsession with fulfilling my dosage of swimming per week, the obsession with perfection pertaining to music stuff. Then of course there'll be those less-than-healthy obsessions which need not be publicised here.

I guess obsessions are just a way of distracting ourselves. Life is very much filled with distractions in the sense that during each session of crap thrown at us, we'll try to find other things to do, other stuff to look forward to, past incidents which might spur us on - if you would allow me to stretch that somewhat tenuously, I see these things, stuff and incidents as a form of distraction from the very present issues at hand.

Then sometimes, these obsessions progress into full-blown addictions, which would inarguably be cast in the negative arena - 'the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma'. I think it goes without much debate that the fact of enslavement which cessation causes severe trauma is something less-than-desirable. And of course addictions are easy to point out - addiction to alcohol, to drugs, to pornography, to gambling, and then the more 'innocuous' addictions like TV, computer, eating..

Well, 'innocuous' in inverted commas because those are somewhat debateable - while we have no problems classifying vices like drugs and sex/pornography as unhealthy addictions, there are sure to be objections for classifying eating as an addiction. At the very least, I know my mum will object to that.

The point of this whole entry thus far, is that all the above is merely an introduction. [Haha]

Been thinking about addictions and obsessions lately. We all have our addictions isn't it? As much as we would hate to admit it. [If we would not even want to admit having obsessions, why then would we want to admit having addictions, considering they are cast in a darker light than obsessions?] The point is that we are not in the position to judge people for their addictions, contrary to what we always do and what we simply love to do. Is a person's addiction to eating more forgiveable than another's addiction to pornography? Well, arguably yes because of moral reasons. Is a person's addiction to eating more forgiveable than another's addiction to computer/faceook? Well, the answer isn't all that clear anymore isn't it? Basically it just boils down to what's socially acceptable and what's not, in the sense that pornography is frowned upon by our conservative Asian Singapore society. I came across this interesting comparison some day ago - the Japanese will never talk loudly on the phone during a train ride because that's considered bad manners, but they'll leave someone alone if he's reading hentai anime; cross-reference that with Singapore and you get quite the opposite: we all know the pain of having to brace a train ride with the person next to you speaking into the phone like the other person's deaf, but you'll definitely not see someone holding something even vaguely pornographic in the public.

Alright, leaving these contentious examples, we really can't judge whether addiction to eating or addiction to computer games is worse. I'll probably not comprehend why you cannot kick the addiction of eating, and you'll not understand why I'm hooked to the internet. It's just two different levels of things. So I say, let's not condemn a person just because of his addictions. True, I do not agree with smoking, and I'll give my reasons why you should quit the habit of smoking, yet, at the end of the day, I cannot and will not say that I'm more 'righteous' simply because I don't smoke. Similarly, if I'm addicted to eating, I will not have a lower self-esteem than you just because of that.

As for what inspired this pretty long and rambly [and I think I'm not quite sure what's the point of this post actually], it's just that a friend recently shared his addiction to pornography with me. Yes, now I look at him differently - I don't despise him for being a slave to internet sex, but rather, I admire his courage to tell me about it, and even more applaud his courage in admitting his addiction and wanting to do something about it. Come on, we all have friends who surf pornography and it's even some form of 'unspoken rule' that runs through a lot of our lives but everyone just leaves it unsaid with a general silent consensus about the whole issue - you know I do it, and I can guess that you're in it too, but as long as we don't openly point each other out, we're cool. Okay, pornography's not the main thing about this post. The thing is about my friend, and addiction. I was just stating my belief that we all have our addictions and there's nothing to be ashamed of. What's worthy to be ashamed of is this: we know that it's an addiction, but we continue to brush it off and live in denial; we know that it's affecting our daily lives, but we give other reasons why our lives are screwing up; we know that it's bad and we really should stop it, but we lack the courage to face up to it - we're too weak and afraid to deal with it.

So, my friend, if you ever read this post, I just want to say I admire your courage in telling me, and your courage in desiring to change, and that there are a lot of people out there who are in the depths of their addiction who dare not even classify those as addictions, and that I also am one of those who dared not admit mine but now I know better, and I'm starting to recognise and admit mine and am gonna take steps to change it.

the underlying dynamics of a death

2009-10-18T00:07:00.003+08:00

My uncle just passed away on Wednesday. No, this post ain't about how sad I am, or anything to that effect. Yes, I've shed my fair share of tears and heartwrench, but I'm also alright now. I'm just really glad that he has accepted Christ and I can rest in the assurance that some day, we'll meet again.

Attending the wake the past few days have been pretty enlightening, for lack of a better word. I guess the sudden-ness of the whole affair did give us some shock - my mum suddenly sent me a msg on Wednesday afternoon to tell me to settle my own dinner because she had something urgent to attend to and had to rush out of the house, not knowing when she'll be back home. At that time I still didn't know what was going on, thinking that maybe her friend asked her out or something. Only in the evening did I get the news of my uncle's death and subsequently went down to the wake at night.

It was a simple affair on the first night, considering mostly only the relatives knew. Saw my aunt and my cousins, and the usual greetings and condolences were offered. They said they were alright. I guess my aunt was more able to handle the situation and composed in her words. Yet, through all those simple words offered, I could sense the grief in them. And I also noticed that their eyes were still wet, indicating that they would have been crying/tearing beforehand. Then I entered the auditorium/chapel or sorts and saw the rest of my relatives. Then again, beyond those smiles offered by my uncles and aunts, it wasn't difficult to notice that their eyes were a little red and puffy. The night passed pretty decently, with uncles asking questions and getting updates about our lives. The usual catch-up you get at a big family gathering I guess.

Went down again tonight, and just back home. The mood was a little lighter amongst my uncles and aunts. My cousins ostensibly looked pretty alright, presumably because of friends who came by to give their regards. Then the service started. And it was after a few songs then I noticed the dazed look on my cousins. It wasn't the kind of daze that you get after a few nights of improper and inadequate sleep. It was more of the dazed look which conveys the sense of lost. I guess that's the difference between the adults (my aunt, and other relatives) and the 'kids' (my cousins are all older than me). For the adults, the initial loss and impact was great, but they know how to deal with it and slowly come to terms with it. After all, they recognise and know that it's part and parcel of life. For the 'kids', it's their very first loss that's so close to heart, and probably one of the very few times, if any, they are encountering something so real.

After the service it was pretty much the same thing - chatting with relatives, catching up etc. And through it all, I came to see a different side to all my uncles and aunts. As my brother most aptly puts it - my dad's siblings are all very united. Yeah I guess at such times it's really when you get to see the most real and natural side of people - uncles and aunts doing whatever they are best at. The one familiar with accounts and money deals with the funeral donation, the one who is less of a socialite takes care of the random matters like arranging tables and distribution of food, the more vocal and sociable one receives any friends who come by and chat with them...

It is of course a very different scene as compared to a big family gathering at New Year or CNY. I guess this has taught me to look beyond those verbal interactions and insults and insinuations given at such events and note the underlying loving currents that emanate from such interactions. And now I appreciate my relatives much more - each and every one of my uncle and aunt. And I guess it'll take time for me to discover more about my other cousins too. I couldn't help but drifting off to think what would it look like if the deceased was someone even closer to me. How would everything pan out - who would be doing what, whose shoulders would I be leaning on if I needed one. But I guess, and I hope, I won't need to bother about that for a long time to come.

Let's leave that for another time then.

Jesus Loves Me

2009-10-04T16:06:00.001+08:00

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.

Yes! Jesus loves me
Yes! Jesus loves me
Yes! Jesus loves me
The bible tells me so.

Simple song, yet touched me in so many ways just now. Indeed, it's great to know that Yes! Jesus loves me. =)

finality.

2009-10-01T00:52:00.002+08:00

7 1/2 + 4 and now + 9..

At least for now there's some sense of finality to it. Time to enter the next phase and open a new chapter.

September's ended, and it's time for me to wake up already. And so now it's gonna be 9 more months. I'll just give myself 9 more months and then that's it - or so I hope.

有头有尾 :]

of childhood dreams and wishes..

2009-09-28T02:10:00.003+08:00

Overheard my eldest bro talking to my sis at the dinner table just now, talking about G-shock and how it was pretty much the IN thing and THE thing to have back then when he was a kid. Now that explains his new watch ('cos I'm not a g-shock fan). Anyhows, he asked my sis what her childhood dream was.. and I thought about mine..

Recalling back to the past, I could never remember a time where I had really wanted something material. Well, at least not when I was a kid. As I grew older, I slowly entered the world of materialism (or explosively into the world of personal grooming, if you'd rather) and now I could name a thousand and one things that I would want to have. Well, figuratively at least.

Anyhows, I tried really hard to think of something that I had always wanted since young. Been thinking for a few hours now, all the way from dinner at 6+ till now. And somehow, there's only one word that kept popping out - love.

It was quite an unsettling outcome, but the more I thought about it, the more I seemed to agree. I wasn't craving so much for particular things that my parents would buy for me, but more for the love from my brothers and dad. Of course as I grew up, I came to understand that guys have their own unique way of showing their love and affection and I thank God for that as I came to understand how the dynamics work in my family. And then I started to crave for the love of my friends and then a relationship. It's pretty distraught-ing to talk about all these hear on a public cyber platform, considering that my friends and yes, even my family read all these. Still, I guess there's nothing wrong about me being ME (something, you know, booms), and I'm certain that everyone at some point in time would be craving for love and affection from their friends and hopefully a partner.

Don't wanna make this a seemingly emo post lest people think I'm a horribly unloved person. 'cos that's simply not true - with a family like mine, and with great friends around me, there's really nothing more that I could ask for. Or is there..?

就让回忆停留、凝固吧。。。

2009-09-28T01:35:00.003+08:00

可以做的，也已经做了。
想实现的，也已经落成了。
还真的是有一种莫名的解脱。

我想，生命最重要还是知足常乐。
继续固执、坚持，最终受伤的还是自己。

我知道，可以拥有昨天，是我想要的一种了结。

不知怎么的，张惠妹的解脱突然间在我脑海里响应了起来。

解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走
我有自由好好过
解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦
心里有一种渴望勇敢的念头
不要爱我的人再担心我

擦干了眼泪，是时间往前走了。

dropping by..

2009-09-22T01:55:00.003+08:00

Been some time since I last spent some time here. Just felt like popping by today, somehow. Don't have a proper topic in my mind to talk about either, so it's really just random movement of my fingers over the keyboard.

Let's see.. some common questions (and hence common answers) I get from people:
How's life? nothing spectecular, the usual, studying and stuff...
How's studies/school? not too bad, just trying to catch up with all the readings and slowly adapting to stuff..
Are you very stressed? stressful kindof but not till the extent where I can't cope - I guess it's positive stress that I'm experiencing, nothing I can't handle yet..

I realise I really can't do mundane posts anymore..

small world..

2009-09-15T11:28:00.004+08:00

It's always scary to think (and find out) that the world is such a small place after all. Well, not scary per se, but just a little more than just disconcerting. It gets a little unsettling when you see how everyone is linked to someone else, somehow. Ah, shall trail off here for now..

That's why you go away - Michael Learns To Rock

2009-09-01T08:25:00.001+08:00

The all-popular song which goes...

I won't forget the way you're kissing,
the feeling's so strong, were lasting for so long...

confused no more..

2009-08-04T22:04:00.002+08:00

Alright, sorted out my thoughts a bit. At least now I know I'm not confused. I just needed some time to mull over things and figure things out. As Darren says, life's a journey of discovery and enlightenment. Indeed, it can get interesting at times, but also troubling as well.

Anyhows, am feeling way better after some time spent alone. Well, not exactly alone though.

As I said a week ago, it's high time I wake up and take control of my own life. And trust me, it really feels great to have a sense of direction, to know what you're working for, and to at least feel that you have some semblence of control and order in your life. When life throws crap at you, it's normal to just sit around and bitch and moan. But ultimately, staying at that stage aint getting you nowhere. If you know there's a problem, stand up and work around it, and get down to doing something about it.

And yes, it really feels great to know that you're working towards something and having that sense of control over your life, even if it's minuscule or microscopic.

Yeah baby, yeahhhh.

all but human

2009-08-04T01:22:00.002+08:00

the sound of the fan
the heat of the lamp
the stillness of the night like a van
massively intruding decidingly to camp

the thoughts of the past
the memories of the months
the feelings all raw and vast
...

so what if I'm me
and nice and all
I still have to pee
am human after all

confused apprehensive anticipating 030809

2009-08-03T22:02:00.000+08:00

Just done with first day of matriculation week today; with the inauguration ceremony, as my eldest brother puts it, I'm now officially an undergrad.

And I really wonder if I did the right thing matriculating into the faculty of law. That all-familiar sense of insecurity coupled with some sense of awkwardness resulted in a panic attack just now. Well, just a small one, thankfully.

I wondered about whether I could and would step out of my comfort zone and be of some contribution to tutorial discussions, wondered if I would really bring myself to actively voice out my opinions, wondered if I would ever survive a moot, wondered if I would break down when I find my facade being brutally torn apart and ruthlessly judged, and the best of it all? I find myself the only one subconsiously weaving in chinese phrases and expressions into conversation, and then auto-truncating myself when I find myself on the verge of blurting out a chinese phrase, and constantly reminding myself to switch to channel 5.

Bleahs, I lost the mood to type about it. But I'll just leave my thoughts as they are, and hopefully I'll be fine after some time. No matter what, I'll still do my best in whatever I can, and give it my best shot and see how God leads...

-----

And I realise I'm really not all that keen to get into a relationship; and I thought I was craving for one. As much as I really desire the warmth and joy and bliss that being in love brings, I equally dread the process of courtship, of dating, and spending time and much effort to maintain and keep the relationship going. And then I realised I love my friends, yet I bitch about them sometimes; I appreciate their care and concern, yet I get tired of questions; I want my friends, yet am equally non-chalant in maintaining the friendship.

Sometimes, I really wonder who and what I am, and if I really understand even a fraction of myself.

And now I'll say it, I'm confused over so many things and I can only pray that I find a way out soon.

The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

2009-07-27T21:53:00.000+08:00

"That's the thing. Sometimes when you sacrific something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else."

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it."
"Life has to end," she said. "Love doesn't."

twitter...

2009-07-02T23:46:00.002+08:00

Anyways, just so I can pen down random thoughts and give one-liners, I've decided to get a twitter...

http://twitter.com/icedrag_ed

333rd post

2009-07-01T00:10:00.002+08:00

And it's July already - half of 2009's gone and time to do abit of stock-taking?

Anyways, just here to say that I'll be going on hiatus for a few weeks.

Somehow it's always a July thing - was going on a downtime in 2005/2006 July too.

So yupps, that's all folks, for now.

日有所思，夜有所梦

2009-06-21T23:06:00.001+08:00

虚空的虚空，虚空的虚空，凡事都是虚空。

Nobody - Wonder Girls

2009-06-19T22:16:00.002+08:00

Talk about fan vids mannn. This one is a total blow off my mind.

Well, tried running a search online for these 5 guys and I can't get any info because it's all in Thai. So anyways, regardless of whether they are gays or not, the fact that they are guys and they are THAT daring enough to do this out I totally salute them mann.

But that said, you can see that their actions are not exactly totally in sync yet. The original one by wonder girls still win hands down larhh.. So yuppppps, here it is! WOOOOOTS! =D

English Translation I found online:
You know I still love you baby
and it will never change

I want Nobody Nobody but You
I want Nobody Nobody but You
Your the only one I want the only one I need
I want Nobody Nobody Nobody Nobody

I don't like how you push me away
Not paying attention to what I gotta say
Why do you try to introduce me to guys who cant compare to what you have to share

Pretending all this is what I need
You say you're far from perfect
Stop all your self-pity
If you really know me
You'll stop your stupid insecurities

I want Nobody Nobody but You
I want Nobody Nobody but You
You're the one only I want the only one I need
I want Nobody Nobody Nobody Nobody

I am happy when you are with me
Your body completes but you never believe me
Why do you want me to meet someone new when you know i will never be content leaving you

Pretending all this is what I need
You say you're far from perfect
Stop all your self-pity
If you really know me
You'll stop your stupid insecurities

I want Nobody Nobody but You
I want Nobody Nobody but You
You're the one only I want the only one i need
I want Nobody Nobody Nobody

I dont want nobody body I dont want nobody body

Without you life cant continue
No other man can please me like you do

I want Nobody Nobody but You
I want Nobody Nobody but You
You're the one only I want the only one i need
I want Nobody Nobody Nobody Nobody

Back to the place when we were so young and wild and free
and I wanna travel back in time to our past
thinking back now my dream is gone
dont go is all I wanna hear you say
Why do you push me away
I dont want nobody nobody nobody nobody but you

interesting cool youtube links..

2009-06-18T14:16:00.002+08:00

Toccata & Fugue in Dminor - J.S. Bach

Nocturne Op.27 No.2 - F. Chopin

I think I'll so fall for someone who is capable of doing such things. HAHA.

diff ppl, diff thinking, diff lives..

2009-06-17T22:17:00.002+08:00

Through yesterday's dinner with sy, graceh, alison and today's lunch with mr goh, I have come to conclude that different people have different thinkings and we all have different lives to lead. And theories will always just be theories - when it comes to the practical application, things will usually be vastly different.

And that's gd reminder to me - someone who just loves thinking so much and coming up with waaay lots of theories (as evidenced by yesternight's incessant 'ehhhh, i got this theory horr....'). Not that it's not good, but if we become so fixated on coming up with rational explanations for every single thing in life, then it just gets really tiring. Shouldnt we be more concerned with indulging in experiencing the present and what it holds? Being too fixated on thinking will only make you lose sight of the beauty in life.

And of course, everyone will have different thinkings and hence different theories, and such a difference is caused by their different backgrounds and characters. Hence their theory/analysis of your situation will never be entirely satisfactory and you find yourself coming up with postscripts for their hypothesis, counterarguments and resistance - all because you feel they don't entirely grasp a wholesome view of the picture. And that will always be the case isn't it, simply because we are all different people with different thinkings...

So we all have got different guiding maxims in life...
Do to others what you want others to do unto you.
Do it once and do it good.
What goes around comes around.
Just do your best, and let God do the rest.
These are but some of mine...

Saw this interesting one on alice's facebook profile:
If you love something, let it go. if it doesn't come back, hunt it down and kill it.

Haha indeed that was most interesting. But I guess you can call me the old fashioned one 'cos I still believe in this...
是你的，就是你的；不是你的，就不是你的。So if you love something, let it go. If it's meant to be yours then it'll come back to you. If it doesn't come back, then it's not meant to be.

=)

SAFRA jurong west

2009-06-17T21:27:00.002+08:00

Been going to safra jurong west since the start of this month, I guess I'm now starting to slowly get used to the difference in gym equipment and stuff between this and yishun. But ohwells, went for my first swim at the pool today and gosh, yishun's waaaaay better. Haha.

Okay the best thing about the pool is probably the tanning beds. HAHA. It's not those white plastic ones you find at public pools or condominiums, nor are they those brown wooden ones you find at the other SAFRAs. It's this mesh netting thinggy which is coool! It doesnt get all hot under the hot sun, and it's comfortable to lie on! Yups yuppps..

But that said, here's the top 4 reasons why I really won't wanna go SAFRA jurong west swimming pool....

#4: The size of the lap pool is weirdd. Okay not entirely. It's just that it starts off from 1.2m on one end and just increasingly slopes to 1.8m at the other end. Usually it's 1.2 then slope down to 1.8 plateau in the middle, then back to 1.2 back on the other end. And I think each lap is 50-ish metres, depending on which lane u use.

#3: There are just waaay too many kids. It's just the noise that's getting to me sometimes. I was happily lying there tanning and relaxing and having those this-is-life moments and I get rudely jolted out of my dreamscape with a shrill shriek followed by a series of ecstatic laughter and shouts. -.-

#2: Somehow, so many people love to use the lap pool - for various purposes not meant to be. I mean it's like halfway through doing my laps, I push off from one end of the pool wall and suddenly a towering figure lumbers across right in front of you. Err yarhhh super a lot of people like to move across the width of the pool and it's diagonal some more. Some were piggy-backing-their kids ACROSS the lap poool. GOSH. Okay I know I'm totally bitching here but hey, it's a lap pool wat. And it's not like just one pair of father-kid, it's like this whole shoal of father fishes trying to fishy-back their kids. And they come in waves -.-

#1: And of course the top reason would be simply 'cos it's at the boonlay area. Think jurong island, industrial area etc etc.. Yarhh it's the air. The smell of burnt rubber and chemicals and whatever else floating around in the air which totally reminds me of marmite. I really thought I might turn into a rubberband, or rubber man. Something. Okayy not working. But seriously, one day they might find someone whose health is affected by this weird boonlay smell, and they start rounding up people for rubber-sniffing (think inhalent abuse) or sth...

Alrightts so with all that said, will I still go back to the pool there? Actually yes. HAHA. Alrights there's only one reason alrights, and it's simply because it's convenient for me to head down to the pool right after gym. Yesssss convenience. I'm a lazy dude, so there XD

-----

So anyways, was kinda thinking about it. Although I'll admit that lil' pesky kids really do get on my nerves, but there's always sth in them that just makes them all so adorable. Maybe it's because they are kids, or because they are innocent and naive and vulnerable, which makes our hearts go out to them. You know, it's like this 'little kids are meant to prance around the open meadows and frolick in the clear waters' type of innocence and simplicity and vulnerability, because they are still untainted and uncorrupted by the world yet.

But then again, are kids really all that innocent? Everytime I ponder about this issue, William Golding's Lord Of The Flies never fails to pop up in my head. Then we also have Susan Hill's King Of The Castle. I'm not exactly sure what my thoughts about all these are. But an incident just now totally struck me.

There was this boy who shouted out to his mum that his friend, who was also at the pool together, says he has gold medal for swimming but then he can't even float lehhh. Was that a simple remark to his mum to show his disbelief at his friend's apparent contradiction, or was that a darker taunt to an adult so as to discredit his friend, or would that be an outright shaming of his friend?

人之初、性本善，还是人之初、性本恶？

啊，这个问题值得我们深思及探讨。

"ahhh.. life" =)

2009-06-17T00:00:00.002+08:00

These couple of weeks have really been fun. Yea been a long time since I last came here. It's not that there's nothing in my mind; in fact, it's just that I can't seem to 'verbalise' them into thoughts - they are still mostly formless and shapeless...

Ohwells, main thing is that I've been hanging out with people, and shopping too! Prob gonna publish my list of GSS acquisitions after I'm done with everything. Haha..

So anyways, had a really great time with alison graceh songyang today. Supposed to meet at 8.30am at dover mrt to head down to NUH to donate blood for yiihuan's FYP thinggy but uhm, yarh my old friend just came visiting >.< Had a few weird dreams which totally kept me occupied until 10.30am.

Haha okok so rushed down to bugis to meet them, before heading down to iluma walkings around and then nua-ing at coffee. oooo I'm like totally addicted to coffee bean's tea latte! =D Ahhh that's life man. Then headed down to chinatown to get some random stuff before finally ending up at holland V's essential brews for dinner at 6 plus chatted till 10-ish 11. =) was really really great time spent tgt mann.

Had a really nice time just chatting after dinner - from our favourite topic of love and its related subsidiaries, to serious topics like diff ppl having diff issues with various issues of religion, church, cohabitation etc etc to more relaxed random casual topics like what kinda house u wanna get in the future, speed dating, probable (and improbable) couples etc etc...

Ahhh had a few eureka moments along the way through the course of conversation, and a few more thought-provoking discussions and ideas that totally sprung to life in my mind. Shall leave those to future posts. Kinda in a blissful mood today so shan't go down there.. =)

I think our class has just gone into a different stage. And.. haha I think I shan't complain/rant about the random class dynamics anymore in the future - I have come to realise that we all change as time goes by and a few things just totally warmed my heart. Nahh, don't wanna list those explicitly so I'll just leave off with this.... I love people dynamics, random small dinners, spontaneous enthusiasm, and talkable friends. =) fuzzy warmth and bliss =)

1 2 3 4 - Plain White T's

2009-06-11T01:35:00.001+08:00

听海 - 张惠妹

2009-06-05T22:35:00.001+08:00

*speechless*

怎么了

What's in a child?

喘

Life is like a diamond

Age difference and relationship

寻

A Letter To God

Not Waving But Drowning - Stevie Smith

Through the years

2011

fly

hearing

Week 3 of yr 2 sem 2

Lay Them Down

The Fly - WIlliam Blake

Dec-Jan

回顾一零、展望一一

Because we cherish things only after they are gone

imperfect communication

对不起，我不是故意的。

Changing perception of kids

Incoherence

packing

of musical, passion and interest

hello again

One quick round of introduction

small things

Marriage

The Discipline of Disillusionment

Music <3

because God has His plans and time

‘你’ 的原点

Insecurities

NUSChoir Bratislava 2010

Phuket Trip

market

.

a storm is brewing

cliched channel 8 drama serials..

growing up, letting go

aww

Starting Anew

茫

The power of music

one year in law school

in His time

big or small thing

to be less self-engrossed

:)

Autumn leaves

perhaps.

why?

ramblings

Choir elections - a new chapter

a few quick observations

-

Liberalisation and 377A

love, breakup... love again?

That's the way..

love, sex, intimacy

A New Dawn

singlehood and marriage

weird blabberings

simplicity, sincerity, unassuming, sensitive

'the best things in life come free'

heroes and one last look at 2009

I could sing of Your love forever

traffic lights in a run

regret, sex, love

Changing and losing identity

random monday piano lesson

just dropping by to say hi

quick post - hiatus, inertia, motivation

brain overdrive in 15mins

qualifications, disclaimers, pre-emptive measures..

trust

obsession and addiction

the underlying dynamics of a death

Jesus Loves Me

speechless