Sunday, 29 June 2008
surreal
I thought I had a lot to blog.
Ok probably I did. Well, that did sound a little perfunctory.
I have no idea why, but while I was having my shower a few minutes ago, it suddenly struck me. Something indescribable, unexplainable. I just feel that my life's pretty surreal.
Just like that. Out of nowhere. Ok pardon me if I get a little incoherent and rambly along the way - I'm thinking as I blog, or is it I'm blogging as I think.
The element of surrealism - perhaps it's because I'm out of touch, or that I don't feel in control, not having a firm grasp on the things in my life?
Let me attempt to rationalise my feeling of surrealism.
I'm not spending time with my family. With the past weekends either devoted to church or camp, I can't rmb when my last meal with my family was. Wait, I vaguely remember one. Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I even bother. Ok I've been down this road before a few years back - and I already know how it's gonna end.
Church's been pretty weird lately. Well, it's just me actually. Spiritual life been quite fruitful of late, sermons been having their effect on me, but there's just this distance I feel from church stuff. This indescribable void, this irrational barrier, this senseless gap. I'm not even sure of what I'm talking about here.
Friends.. Relationships.. Hmm, after that one whole big bomb God dropped on me last Sunday, I must say I'm still coming to terms with it. And with increasingly diverse relationships to upkeep, I don't see how things are falling into place, how my circle of friends are now demarcated..
Trailing off for that one, my brain's kinda blocked now. Think I shall go off and get some walk. My brain functions better with some walk.
Ok probably I did. Well, that did sound a little perfunctory.
I have no idea why, but while I was having my shower a few minutes ago, it suddenly struck me. Something indescribable, unexplainable. I just feel that my life's pretty surreal.
Just like that. Out of nowhere. Ok pardon me if I get a little incoherent and rambly along the way - I'm thinking as I blog, or is it I'm blogging as I think.
The element of surrealism - perhaps it's because I'm out of touch, or that I don't feel in control, not having a firm grasp on the things in my life?
Let me attempt to rationalise my feeling of surrealism.
I'm not spending time with my family. With the past weekends either devoted to church or camp, I can't rmb when my last meal with my family was. Wait, I vaguely remember one. Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I even bother. Ok I've been down this road before a few years back - and I already know how it's gonna end.
Church's been pretty weird lately. Well, it's just me actually. Spiritual life been quite fruitful of late, sermons been having their effect on me, but there's just this distance I feel from church stuff. This indescribable void, this irrational barrier, this senseless gap. I'm not even sure of what I'm talking about here.
Friends.. Relationships.. Hmm, after that one whole big bomb God dropped on me last Sunday, I must say I'm still coming to terms with it. And with increasingly diverse relationships to upkeep, I don't see how things are falling into place, how my circle of friends are now demarcated..
Trailing off for that one, my brain's kinda blocked now. Think I shall go off and get some walk. My brain functions better with some walk.
17:23; The Pianist'
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Random [?] Revelations
God spoke to me on Sunday.
Well, not the charismatic GOD-SPOKE-TO-ME kind, nor was it the Saul-Paul conversion god-spoke-to-me kind.
It was the message by qiuxianglaoshi and pr yip.
She mentioned about how we can choose our reactions to situations, to face unfavourable situations with a positive attitude, and not to be bitter about it. 苦毒were her exact words.
He spoke about how we need top put His priorities first. And how we need to trust Him and obey Him. And through all these, we can be assured of His presence with us.
And during the game which qxls played during peixun, I knew what I needed was a heart of obedience. - 顺服的心. And the first guy I got was wenhan, and he gave me just what I needed. I may have thought it to be a coincidence, but I still thanked God in my heart. So when it came to the sermon, I knew that all these couldnt be too coincidental coincidences. Indeed, coincidences are God's way of putting things together in His time.
My most initial emotions weren't those of ecstasy, nor were they of relief; they were moments of resignation intertwined with shame amidst being touched by His words. After all, what He told me that Sunday was sth that I had been evading for the past few months, willingly indulging in self-delusion and escapism. And I blogged about it in my previous entry on Friday.
I was in shame for I had doubted Him and almost gave up on this, resignation [not entirely in the negative sense] that this has been my passion for so many years that I guess it's sth I can never dissociate from, touched because He loves us so.
All the feelings above, combined and mutually intensified, only resulted in tears rolling down my cheeks as I sang the responsive hyms Show Me Thy Way and Help Us Accept One Another. Indeed, those songs were apt.
Yeap, my Lord showed me about my commitment to my class.
Haha, last saturday was good:] Had a nice chat at vivo. As mentioned, it takes that amount of trust to have that kind of chat.
Last week was a good week. With different chats with different people, I must say I'm glad how He has worked in my life. Yup and as someone told me, it's not about working in this ministry, doing this thing for this group, putting my best in this particular area. But rather, it's about working for His glory, for Him to use me to do His ministry.
And I can't help but say, God will provide.
Well, not the charismatic GOD-SPOKE-TO-ME kind, nor was it the Saul-Paul conversion god-spoke-to-me kind.
It was the message by qiuxianglaoshi and pr yip.
She mentioned about how we can choose our reactions to situations, to face unfavourable situations with a positive attitude, and not to be bitter about it. 苦毒were her exact words.
He spoke about how we need top put His priorities first. And how we need to trust Him and obey Him. And through all these, we can be assured of His presence with us.
And during the game which qxls played during peixun, I knew what I needed was a heart of obedience. - 顺服的心. And the first guy I got was wenhan, and he gave me just what I needed. I may have thought it to be a coincidence, but I still thanked God in my heart. So when it came to the sermon, I knew that all these couldnt be too coincidental coincidences. Indeed, coincidences are God's way of putting things together in His time.
My most initial emotions weren't those of ecstasy, nor were they of relief; they were moments of resignation intertwined with shame amidst being touched by His words. After all, what He told me that Sunday was sth that I had been evading for the past few months, willingly indulging in self-delusion and escapism. And I blogged about it in my previous entry on Friday.
I was in shame for I had doubted Him and almost gave up on this, resignation [not entirely in the negative sense] that this has been my passion for so many years that I guess it's sth I can never dissociate from, touched because He loves us so.
All the feelings above, combined and mutually intensified, only resulted in tears rolling down my cheeks as I sang the responsive hyms Show Me Thy Way and Help Us Accept One Another. Indeed, those songs were apt.
Yeap, my Lord showed me about my commitment to my class.
------------------------------
Haha, last saturday was good:] Had a nice chat at vivo. As mentioned, it takes that amount of trust to have that kind of chat.
------------------------------
Last week was a good week. With different chats with different people, I must say I'm glad how He has worked in my life. Yup and as someone told me, it's not about working in this ministry, doing this thing for this group, putting my best in this particular area. But rather, it's about working for His glory, for Him to use me to do His ministry.
And I can't help but say, God will provide.
20:00; The Pianist'
Friday, 20 June 2008
Crazy week, crazy mind
It's been a crazy two weeks - with lotsa stuff in army and out of army too.
Don't really want to blog about all the details coz that would be really pointless, so just wanna say that if there's anything I learnt in the past few weeks, it will have to be God will provide.
Indeed,
Jehovah Jireh, my provider, His grace is sufficient for me. My God shall supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory.
In His time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time. Lord please show my everyday, as You're teaching me Your way, that You do just what You say, in Your time.
我靠着那加给我力量的，凡事都能做。行在主的旨意，我凡事都能做。
Hmm I used to treat army and church as 2 mutually exclusive events; well, to some extent that would be true. But the Lord hit me on my head and told me that perhaps I've been wrong all these while. Hmm, I know this probably sounds pretty incoherent and nonsensical but it's because I haven't really sorted out my thots on this yet - just wanted to pen it down somewhere lest I forget abt it.
Army stuff aside, been thinking through lots of church stuff. Nothing in particular to my work in tuanqi, but church in general - of friends and stuff.
Starting to feel nostalgic about things - especially since I know this year is my last in this tuanqi. Don't really wanna abt this now and in such an open domain. Perhaps all I wanna say is that knowing this yr is my last makes it a weird mix of feelings - an irrational combination of boldness and irresponsibility, the idiosyncratic nostalgia, the extra determination to put in my 100%, but more often than not, and more strongly than anything else, the sense of grief and loneliness derived from ... [and that would be sth I don't wanna talk about here]
I remember the first time I started spending more time with this guy - it was more of an elder brother looking after his lost brother, of just simply to offer my help should the need arise. And of coz I can't deny that I was, at the same time, looking for leaders in the near future. Well, definitely I can't say I groomed him since I really did nothing much, but now seeing the amt of opportunities and responsibilities he has, as well as the hopes ppl have of him, I'm not sure whether I have been fair to thrust him into the limelight, nor am I certain of whether I have done what the Lord wants to do through me.
That random ranting aside, that person was but the first, and just the other day, God has shown me that I shouldn't just keep thinking that I'm in a superior position and that they are at the receiving end - indeed, I realise I have much to learn from these younger ones as well.
Ahh ok, I think I've just got the answer - nope, the Lord is not yet done with me and my work in this particular aspect. I guess blogging's therapeutic - it helps me sort out my thoughts typing them out while thinking a whole lot in between.
Ahh and about my class - I feel really dry. I know my calling's in the youth ministry, but I have no idea how that fits in with my class. I still duno how things will be for my class - nothing from Him above yet. I had a few random ideas along the way but none seemed like what He wanted. Am I supposed to let go of my class, and play a smaller support role in terms of my class bonding and stuff, or do You want me to take up the helm and lead the class again?
There's some things I just wanna say to You, 'cos there is no one that loves me so.
Though tears may overwhelm me, I know You are there with me.
As day breaks Lord I wanna cry to You, 'cos Jesus I know you'll pull me through.
The strength that I need I receive every morning, Your grace is all I need.
I think I'm losing my drive. I think I need a vision.
恳求心中王成为我异象
Don't really want to blog about all the details coz that would be really pointless, so just wanna say that if there's anything I learnt in the past few weeks, it will have to be God will provide.
Indeed,
Jehovah Jireh, my provider, His grace is sufficient for me. My God shall supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory.
In His time, in His time, He makes all things beautiful in His time. Lord please show my everyday, as You're teaching me Your way, that You do just what You say, in Your time.
我靠着那加给我力量的，凡事都能做。行在主的旨意，我凡事都能做。
Hmm I used to treat army and church as 2 mutually exclusive events; well, to some extent that would be true. But the Lord hit me on my head and told me that perhaps I've been wrong all these while. Hmm, I know this probably sounds pretty incoherent and nonsensical but it's because I haven't really sorted out my thots on this yet - just wanted to pen it down somewhere lest I forget abt it.
Army stuff aside, been thinking through lots of church stuff. Nothing in particular to my work in tuanqi, but church in general - of friends and stuff.
Starting to feel nostalgic about things - especially since I know this year is my last in this tuanqi. Don't really wanna abt this now and in such an open domain. Perhaps all I wanna say is that knowing this yr is my last makes it a weird mix of feelings - an irrational combination of boldness and irresponsibility, the idiosyncratic nostalgia, the extra determination to put in my 100%, but more often than not, and more strongly than anything else, the sense of grief and loneliness derived from ... [and that would be sth I don't wanna talk about here]
I remember the first time I started spending more time with this guy - it was more of an elder brother looking after his lost brother, of just simply to offer my help should the need arise. And of coz I can't deny that I was, at the same time, looking for leaders in the near future. Well, definitely I can't say I groomed him since I really did nothing much, but now seeing the amt of opportunities and responsibilities he has, as well as the hopes ppl have of him, I'm not sure whether I have been fair to thrust him into the limelight, nor am I certain of whether I have done what the Lord wants to do through me.
That random ranting aside, that person was but the first, and just the other day, God has shown me that I shouldn't just keep thinking that I'm in a superior position and that they are at the receiving end - indeed, I realise I have much to learn from these younger ones as well.
Ahh ok, I think I've just got the answer - nope, the Lord is not yet done with me and my work in this particular aspect. I guess blogging's therapeutic - it helps me sort out my thoughts typing them out while thinking a whole lot in between.
Ahh and about my class - I feel really dry. I know my calling's in the youth ministry, but I have no idea how that fits in with my class. I still duno how things will be for my class - nothing from Him above yet. I had a few random ideas along the way but none seemed like what He wanted. Am I supposed to let go of my class, and play a smaller support role in terms of my class bonding and stuff, or do You want me to take up the helm and lead the class again?
There's some things I just wanna say to You, 'cos there is no one that loves me so.
Though tears may overwhelm me, I know You are there with me.
As day breaks Lord I wanna cry to You, 'cos Jesus I know you'll pull me through.
The strength that I need I receive every morning, Your grace is all I need.
I think I'm losing my drive. I think I need a vision.
恳求心中王成为我异象
22:16; The Pianist'
Friday, 13 June 2008
Identity crisis
I can't decide which is more me - the lame and spontaneous side of me which was more in the past but has been relapsing lately, or the unspoken pensive me which army seems to have brought out.
Need they be mutually exclusive? Or are they 2 dependent variables? Independent variables?
I wish I understand myself sometimes.
Need they be mutually exclusive? Or are they 2 dependent variables? Independent variables?
I wish I understand myself sometimes.
00:50; The Pianist'
Thursday, 12 June 2008
'You know it in your heart.'
'You know it in your heart.'
Got that reply in a joking manner after I jokingly made a spiteful comment. But now thinking about it, I guess a lot of times in life we could apply this statement.
Be it small things like thinking whether to have a regular or large meal at a fastfood restaurant, to more significant things like deciding whether to run for committee elections or choosing your committee, to much bigger things like thinking which path to take after tertiary education or wondering if you have gotten over a particular someone.
Many times we just need to tell ourselves - 'You know it in your heart.'
Got that reply in a joking manner after I jokingly made a spiteful comment. But now thinking about it, I guess a lot of times in life we could apply this statement.
Be it small things like thinking whether to have a regular or large meal at a fastfood restaurant, to more significant things like deciding whether to run for committee elections or choosing your committee, to much bigger things like thinking which path to take after tertiary education or wondering if you have gotten over a particular someone.
Many times we just need to tell ourselves - 'You know it in your heart.'
23:20; The Pianist'
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
Long-term army-fied (or fried?) brain
Ok been a long time since I last blogged. Hmm so finally I'm resuming my normal routine of booking out for the weekends, there's no need to feel blue about not going to church. Ohwells, been MIA in church for 3 weeks and certainly it does feel weird about it. Haha thankfully my PC's a Christian who can understand that kind of agony too.
Ahh decided to come online to blog a little coz my brain is failling me! Was on the piano trying to figure out my songs for worship night, how to link, how to present 'em, how to go about doing the repetitions and transitions and my brain just died. Yeah like that. Died. Simply refused to budge -.-
So came online hopefully to stimulate the brain juices to flow once again, by looking around for inspiration and stuff. I do hope I don't get distracted by youtube.
Ah heck, I think I'll still go youtube for whose line to retard for a while :P
Anyways, yesterday celebrated dad's bday at cartel at IMM together with everyone else, less my mum coz she's down with fever and stuff. But she's feeling well today already, and what better evidence for that than her ability to nag at me once again (after the painful silence for her yesterday)
Yaays it's JUNE! 5 more months to ORD, but a whole lot of tough times ahead before my overseas trip to Thailand in August. Nope, it's not a holiday trip, mind you. It's the disgusting evaluation exercise, which I had initially thought I needn't do. RAWRRRS. So much for 'lull'. Haha.
Okok off to youtube for now!
Ahh decided to come online to blog a little coz my brain is failling me! Was on the piano trying to figure out my songs for worship night, how to link, how to present 'em, how to go about doing the repetitions and transitions and my brain just died. Yeah like that. Died. Simply refused to budge -.-
So came online hopefully to stimulate the brain juices to flow once again, by looking around for inspiration and stuff. I do hope I don't get distracted by youtube.
Ah heck, I think I'll still go youtube for whose line to retard for a while :P
Anyways, yesterday celebrated dad's bday at cartel at IMM together with everyone else, less my mum coz she's down with fever and stuff. But she's feeling well today already, and what better evidence for that than her ability to nag at me once again (after the painful silence for her yesterday)
Yaays it's JUNE! 5 more months to ORD, but a whole lot of tough times ahead before my overseas trip to Thailand in August. Nope, it's not a holiday trip, mind you. It's the disgusting evaluation exercise, which I had initially thought I needn't do. RAWRRRS. So much for 'lull'. Haha.
Okok off to youtube for now!
18:50; The Pianist'
thePIANIST;
~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano
theLOVE;
violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love
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personalised room
keyboard
games
books
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson
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~`church
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GUM |
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