thePIANIST

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

traffic lights in a run

Life is like a run. There's uphill, there's downslope, there'll be times you feel like running fast, there'll be times you have to slow down the pace, then sometimes (if you didn't plan properly) you might run into a dead end and have to make a detour, and sometimes you give up and walk. And in urbanised Singapore, there's always traffic lights along the running route.

Sometimes you really feel like giving up, but you see a traffic straight ahead, so it motivates you to chiong, knowing that you can possibly rest there till the pedestrian light goes green.
Sometimes life decides to play a joke on you - when you chiong your way to the traffic light, the pedestrian signal turns from red to green, and so you press on without resting.
Sometimes even though the pedestrian signal is red, but you see that there is not much traffic flow, you decide to just sprint across the road without resting.

And then one day you realise that you thrive on traffic lights such that you are running every leg of the race just for the traffic light. It seems to have become the only motivation to continue running the race. Well, the over-dependence may be a signal that something's not quite right. After all, you didn't embark on the race just for the traffic lights right?

Ohwells, we all have our own form of traffic lights and somehow, I've been running the past few months without a good relief at the red pedestrian light. There was this time I was approaching the pedestrian crossing when it was still red, but it decided to play a joke on me by turning to green just as I reached it. It was pretty crumbling, to say the least, but at times like this, that's where your mental strength is put to the test. I'm not too sure how I want to evaluate that leg of the race. It sure wasn't spectacular, but somehow I survived.

Maybe that's why I've become more sceptical when I see an upcoming traffic light. While there's a saying 'Aim for the moon. Even if you fail, you'll land among the stars.', it's also true that the higher you raise your hopes up, the harder you'll fall. Some say it's a matter of optimism versus pessimism; I'd rather choose to see it as a matter of idealism against pragmatism.

Disillusioned? Jaded? Let's just say such words are a lil' too strong. Pragmatic's the word. As I like to say - Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. That way, you'll be in a better condition to take things in your stride. So with that, I'll prepare myself mentally for the worst, but I'll definitely be praying and hoping that the traffic light will stay red when I reach it.

00:32; The Pianist'

Thursday, 17 December 2009

regret, sex, love

Was back for ICT last week. Had a few guys who were older than me serving ICT together - 2 26y/o and 1 37y/o. And then the topic of being old crept up more than once. Naturally, they were lamenting about their [lack of] youth and energy, and it just reminded me of the topic that's pretty much been in my mind for a while already. Regret. Had too much things floating in my mind revolving around this theme but probably lots of it is just fluff. Anyhows, I'll just try to see what I've got so it might seem quite rambly.

No one likes doing things that they'll regret. Yet we'll never be able to foresee the future, nor will we have the benefit of hindset when making that decision. So in all circumstances, we consider the situation carefully and try to make the best out of it. And sometimes, the best just doesn't seem to be sufficient, or that at that point you might have thought it was great but subsequently you regretted your choice.

I know of people who regret wasting their youth on things so meaningless and pointless, people who regret wasting their time just sitting around and not doing anything productive. Then there are also people who regret not putting their best into their studies. I guess such things are pretty understandable. But as I went on in life, I discovered things which people regret that I never thought they would. People who regretted having too much sex. Putting religion aside for a moment, as much as I do frown upon pre-marital sex, I never would have imagined people regretting it. But what I found most amazing was that the people whom I talked to who have had their 'glorious' days of conquest are at the end of the day, pretty embarrassed about their deeds. And they pretty much look back in regret, and say that their numerous conquests are not something they are proud of. And this goes for both heterosexuals and homosexuals. And the best part? Both groups of people inevitably boil it down to a feeling of void in some depths inside them.

I'll never forget what someone once told me - that it's so easy to find someone for sex than to find someone for love. Indeed, there's multiple avenues for the former, be it the red-light districts, online forums, irc, chat channels etc. Perhaps that's why for some people, they would rather enjoy the moment before them, then to set themselves on the arduous journey of finding that 'true love'. And what makes of us, the people who are searching for the love of their lives? When we think that we might have feelings for a particular someone, we're afraid that the feelings ain't reciprocated and we'll get rejected. Or that maybe we don't know how to make that first move and are too scared to initiate anything. After all, there's a Chinese saying which goes 'a woman is most afraid of marrying the wrong guy'. That goes similarly for guys too.

Ahh I don't entirely know how I have digressed/veered from my original theme of regret. But anyhows, here's what you get when I'm not in my best of shape. Apologies for this sub-standard post.

21:44; The Pianist'

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Changing and losing identity

My bro's hp rang while he was asleep, and it sparked off this post.

Some of us really love chatting on the phone, while some wouldn't mind a quick chat or two, and then there are some others who just really ain't fond of the phone.
Some of us love to send out "mundane" sms (like have you eaten dinner, what are you doing now etc) every other day, while some would appreciate such sms once in a long while, and then there are those who would rather not have them.

And when you are in a relationship, and you realise that the other person is quite different from your preference, what makes of it then? Would you change? Or would you rather the person change to suit you?

Sometimes you try to change, and then you realise you just can't. Or maybe you were just not doing your best 'cos there was some form of reluctance/unwillingness. I'm guessing that it's probably so part of your identity that people will remark "it's so you". If you became synonamous with such a trait, then why would you want to change something that's so idiosyncratic of yourself?

Because if that happens, you'll end up losing yourself - your identity.
But then again, love is irrational and makes us lose ourselves isn't it?

Another of the inherent irreconcilable oxymorons of love.

20:40; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano

theLOVE;

violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love

theWISH;

personalised room
~~keyboard~~
~~games~~
~~books~~
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson

theCHATTERBOX;

theESCAPES;

theHISTORY;

theCREDITS;

host: blogger
brushes : x
picture: x x
designer: Winter min