Thursday, 29 January 2009
catching up with people
was just chatting with alison, and then I realised, while I used to depend heavily on online chatting to catch up with people and keep in touch with their lives, my style now is more of not being in touch for a long time, and then arrange a date to meet for a meal and chat over food. Hmms interesting how I once used to advocate MSN as a tool for catching up. I guess it still works a charming great deal but probably my preference has changed over the years ba...
23:33; The Pianist'
random musing
hmm I was kinda thinking to myself that I wanna cut down my online durations. As in, after all, I'm not really doing anything when I'm online, except maybe to just wait for people to come on and chat with me. Well, definitely the purpose of getting to know people better and breaking the ice with people whom I'm not that familiar with has been well-served, so maybe it's time to move on to other things already. Was thinking of capping my online duration to an hour. Hmm maybe I shouldnt be that ambitious yet eh? Alrights just a rambly post as always, but I'm serious about cutting down my online times. Seriously, I am better off spending my time in more productive ways like running, reading or even gaming. HAHA.
22:41; The Pianist'
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
A New Lunar Year
Been wanting to blog for a long time le. So many happenings, so many thoughts, so many things to process, so many emotions to live through, yet it seemed like things just didn't flow. Somehow. Probably one of the worst time to have my writer's block. Yet, the past week of various events and reflections have triggered so many thoughts that if I tried to pen them all down, it'll probably sound rambly at best. However, now that I've got my thoughts straightened out, I've really got to say that God makes everything fall into place perfectly in His time.
Been especially lagging in the 瞻望2009年 blog entry that I so totally wanted to work through. But after the past few days, God have shown me things that I've totally forgotten, and made me realise that my focus for the year should be readjusted. So, here we are now.
There was a Christian man, who married a non-Christian wife. Having been unfillial and unbecoming of his attitude and actions towards his parents when he was much younger, he thought that it finally came the time for him to atone for his mistakes - by having a baby so that his parents can enjoy being grandparents. He tried, and he tried, but after a year, his wife still failed to conceive. Consequently, he blamed his wife, and repeatedly accused her of having problems with her health such that it affected the possibility of getting pregnant. When his pastor found out about the whole issue, he called him aside one day and reprimanded him - that his rationale of having a baby is questionable and perhaps not the most appropriate because God may not will it that way; that he was being a bad testimony to his wife by grumbling about her state of health, and that his wife conceiving was not the top priority, but rather it was his wife's salvation. This man had placed his focus on the wrong thing.
Nope, the above is not an exaggerated anedcote to force my point through, nor is it an imaginary tale I cooked up from somewhere. It was a true sharing from a fellow brother-in-Christ who so openly shared this story about someone he personally knew.
I don't know what's your response to it - maybe it struck you as lame, as exceptional, whatever. To me, it was a slice through the heart. And coupled with the sermons I heard the past two days, it was a direct whack on the head. It was a very clear wake-up call from God.
Sermon on Sunday was about a blessed person. A blessed person is someone who is uniquely blessed by God, not someone who should use other people as benchmark for measuring the blessings they have been given, and also someone whose God's overflowing blessings pour out to touch, enrich and bless thouse around him as well.
Sermon today morning was something about prayer. What I took away was that we had to have faith and to pray, to pray that God would open our spiritual eyes to see things around us from His perspective. [c.f. 2Kings 6:8-23] v17: 'And Elisha prayed, "O Lord, open his eyes so he may see. Then the Lord opened his servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha" '
Back to the story of the man who was told he placed his focus on the wrong thing. Been having it on my mind the past 3 days now, and yes, I'm losing my focus. I misplaced my focus. And now I'm set on readjusting it back to what it should be.
For the past few months of my life, I've lost sight of God, of who I am, of what I'm given, and what I am doing. God has been sidelined to the outskirts of my inner world, my friends have been placed at a secondary consideration, and my personal desires, pleasures, enjoyments, fulfilments, simply myself have been placed at the centre of my life. Of course, some people do function that way but that's not me. And I know that. There was a period of time in life when I forced myself to put myself at the heart of everything, to be selfish and callous, to not bother about other people's feelings and to just keep to myself. It didn't work out well at all. Not one bit. It's not who I am, and it's definitely not what I enjoy doing, nor is that what I wanna become.
My strongest spiritual gift all these while - nope, it's not music - has been being able to relate to people, their feelings, their emotions and what they are going through. And that's idiosyncratic of my life, characteristic of who I am, and I figured, what God wants out of my life. Indeed, as a sister-in-Christ once made an impact on me unknowingly - 神向谁多给，神也会向谁多要。Having given me so abundantly in this aspect, I know I have to account for my deeds and doings to Him one day.
I've been pretty much concentrating on myself lately, choosing to focus on me doing things that I like, of leading a carefree unplanned life, of being without restrictions or commitments.. Not that desiring any of the above is wrong, but having such an airy-fairy [and almost heck-it-all] kind of life does influence me to think in that way. Thus, when I look back, I realise I no longer actively try to be there for people who matter, I no longer send out as many sms-es as I used to, I no longer bother much if people are not gonna value their church life, I no longer wanna make sacrifices as it will inconvenience myself, I no longer take the initiative to forge better and closer relationships with people...
Time to get myself back. For starters, I'm gonna assume a more planned exercise routine so that I don't switch my time/schedule on the impulse to convenience myself at the expense of other people. And then it's time to go back to my usual self of putting others before self. Of course, this point can be quite debatable but because I'm Edmund, because I liked the way I was in the past, because I know this is the way my life goes, yes, others before self. Of course, that's not to say blindly neglecting myself for others, to just lie on the floor for others to trample on as they wish. After all, my body's the temple of God so it's only right that I take care of myself as well. Well, just not to the extent of disallowing God to use me when He wills. And of course, just as two very special people remarked to me at similar occasions but years apart, I must know how to protect myself.
And to get God back as the priority in my life, it's back to frequent and consistent Quiet Time, coupled with fervent praying, topped off with reading the bible. Easily said than done of course, but I already have my plans for that. Thank God =)
The second main thing that I totally need to readjust my focus is praying and the salvation of my loved ones. Had lunch with my paternal relatives and dinner with my maternal relatives. It struck my so strongly for the first time in my life that I really need to pray for my grandparents' salvation. All these years my dad has told us to try to talk to our grandparents more and to weave in the topic of religion and church where possible, and also to keep praying for grandparents. I'll just be frank and say I never once did. And for so many years of my life, it never struck me as a pressing concern. Well, of course I KNOW it's important but it just never affected in my HEART. Yet, today a chord was tugging in my heart, that I really don't know when, if ever, these people that I love just so much would ever receive Jesus. And on Sunday's sermon, it totally struck me that I haven't been praying for this particular person about his salvation. And today it was my relatives. Random? Perhaps, but I would think not.
Dear Lord, please grant me the perseverence and the heart of compassion to keep praying for these people whom I love so much. Please help me in my prayers as well as to what I should pray for each and everyone of these people, and also the wisdom to know what to say in my conversations with them. More so, grant your timid servant the courage and strength to put into actions these words and thoughts which You have planted in his heart, that he would not be swayed by the promptings of the evil one, for You have given us not a heart of fear, but one of strength and power, as surrounded by Your love and grace so abundant. I thank You Lord for loving me so dearly and I just pray that You help me pour out these blessings and love to those around me, unreservedly and unashamedly. Once again, I ask for Your spirit to be with me and Your peace, Your strength, Your wisdom and simply Your presence. I thank You Lord. All these I pray in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
Been especially lagging in the 瞻望2009年 blog entry that I so totally wanted to work through. But after the past few days, God have shown me things that I've totally forgotten, and made me realise that my focus for the year should be readjusted. So, here we are now.
There was a Christian man, who married a non-Christian wife. Having been unfillial and unbecoming of his attitude and actions towards his parents when he was much younger, he thought that it finally came the time for him to atone for his mistakes - by having a baby so that his parents can enjoy being grandparents. He tried, and he tried, but after a year, his wife still failed to conceive. Consequently, he blamed his wife, and repeatedly accused her of having problems with her health such that it affected the possibility of getting pregnant. When his pastor found out about the whole issue, he called him aside one day and reprimanded him - that his rationale of having a baby is questionable and perhaps not the most appropriate because God may not will it that way; that he was being a bad testimony to his wife by grumbling about her state of health, and that his wife conceiving was not the top priority, but rather it was his wife's salvation. This man had placed his focus on the wrong thing.
Nope, the above is not an exaggerated anedcote to force my point through, nor is it an imaginary tale I cooked up from somewhere. It was a true sharing from a fellow brother-in-Christ who so openly shared this story about someone he personally knew.
I don't know what's your response to it - maybe it struck you as lame, as exceptional, whatever. To me, it was a slice through the heart. And coupled with the sermons I heard the past two days, it was a direct whack on the head. It was a very clear wake-up call from God.
Sermon on Sunday was about a blessed person. A blessed person is someone who is uniquely blessed by God, not someone who should use other people as benchmark for measuring the blessings they have been given, and also someone whose God's overflowing blessings pour out to touch, enrich and bless thouse around him as well.
Sermon today morning was something about prayer. What I took away was that we had to have faith and to pray, to pray that God would open our spiritual eyes to see things around us from His perspective. [c.f. 2Kings 6:8-23] v17: 'And Elisha prayed, "O Lord, open his eyes so he may see. Then the Lord opened his servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha" '
Back to the story of the man who was told he placed his focus on the wrong thing. Been having it on my mind the past 3 days now, and yes, I'm losing my focus. I misplaced my focus. And now I'm set on readjusting it back to what it should be.
For the past few months of my life, I've lost sight of God, of who I am, of what I'm given, and what I am doing. God has been sidelined to the outskirts of my inner world, my friends have been placed at a secondary consideration, and my personal desires, pleasures, enjoyments, fulfilments, simply myself have been placed at the centre of my life. Of course, some people do function that way but that's not me. And I know that. There was a period of time in life when I forced myself to put myself at the heart of everything, to be selfish and callous, to not bother about other people's feelings and to just keep to myself. It didn't work out well at all. Not one bit. It's not who I am, and it's definitely not what I enjoy doing, nor is that what I wanna become.
My strongest spiritual gift all these while - nope, it's not music - has been being able to relate to people, their feelings, their emotions and what they are going through. And that's idiosyncratic of my life, characteristic of who I am, and I figured, what God wants out of my life. Indeed, as a sister-in-Christ once made an impact on me unknowingly - 神向谁多给，神也会向谁多要。Having given me so abundantly in this aspect, I know I have to account for my deeds and doings to Him one day.
I've been pretty much concentrating on myself lately, choosing to focus on me doing things that I like, of leading a carefree unplanned life, of being without restrictions or commitments.. Not that desiring any of the above is wrong, but having such an airy-fairy [and almost heck-it-all] kind of life does influence me to think in that way. Thus, when I look back, I realise I no longer actively try to be there for people who matter, I no longer send out as many sms-es as I used to, I no longer bother much if people are not gonna value their church life, I no longer wanna make sacrifices as it will inconvenience myself, I no longer take the initiative to forge better and closer relationships with people...
Time to get myself back. For starters, I'm gonna assume a more planned exercise routine so that I don't switch my time/schedule on the impulse to convenience myself at the expense of other people. And then it's time to go back to my usual self of putting others before self. Of course, this point can be quite debatable but because I'm Edmund, because I liked the way I was in the past, because I know this is the way my life goes, yes, others before self. Of course, that's not to say blindly neglecting myself for others, to just lie on the floor for others to trample on as they wish. After all, my body's the temple of God so it's only right that I take care of myself as well. Well, just not to the extent of disallowing God to use me when He wills. And of course, just as two very special people remarked to me at similar occasions but years apart, I must know how to protect myself.
And to get God back as the priority in my life, it's back to frequent and consistent Quiet Time, coupled with fervent praying, topped off with reading the bible. Easily said than done of course, but I already have my plans for that. Thank God =)
The second main thing that I totally need to readjust my focus is praying and the salvation of my loved ones. Had lunch with my paternal relatives and dinner with my maternal relatives. It struck my so strongly for the first time in my life that I really need to pray for my grandparents' salvation. All these years my dad has told us to try to talk to our grandparents more and to weave in the topic of religion and church where possible, and also to keep praying for grandparents. I'll just be frank and say I never once did. And for so many years of my life, it never struck me as a pressing concern. Well, of course I KNOW it's important but it just never affected in my HEART. Yet, today a chord was tugging in my heart, that I really don't know when, if ever, these people that I love just so much would ever receive Jesus. And on Sunday's sermon, it totally struck me that I haven't been praying for this particular person about his salvation. And today it was my relatives. Random? Perhaps, but I would think not.
Dear Lord, please grant me the perseverence and the heart of compassion to keep praying for these people whom I love so much. Please help me in my prayers as well as to what I should pray for each and everyone of these people, and also the wisdom to know what to say in my conversations with them. More so, grant your timid servant the courage and strength to put into actions these words and thoughts which You have planted in his heart, that he would not be swayed by the promptings of the evil one, for You have given us not a heart of fear, but one of strength and power, as surrounded by Your love and grace so abundant. I thank You Lord for loving me so dearly and I just pray that You help me pour out these blessings and love to those around me, unreservedly and unashamedly. Once again, I ask for Your spirit to be with me and Your peace, Your strength, Your wisdom and simply Your presence. I thank You Lord. All these I pray in Jesus' most precious name. Amen.
01:39; The Pianist'
Friday, 16 January 2009
words and actions..
Action speaks louder than words. Indeed a big resounding yes to that. But consider the converse, do words neccesarily dim in importance or relevance when put on the same platform as actions?
If someone immerses himself in actions, in doing every little thing to show his love for you, and then takes care of the bigger plans too, but he never once said he loves you, or to affirm your character or personality, how would that pan out? I guess, it'll feel pretty good 'cos you know very well that this guy loves you that much to be willing to do so much, yet there'll still be that empty feeling, as though something is missing. Words, when complemented nicely with actions, give that 画龙点睛 effect，giving that magical touch to something otherwise mechanical.
On the other hand, should someone say nice things to you all the time, send you a message every other hour, declare his love to you every now and then, how then would you take it? For me, I'd say it's superficial and mechanical at best, or worse, hypocritical. Love, in this case, becomes much like a slogan, a 口头禅，an airy-fairy idea that never materialises.
So how should things be like? I guess, it starts off with words, then substantiated with actions, and along the way peppered with words to sweeten the pot.
Yeah, you can say I'm demanding, idealistic or way over the top, but come on, we know life really ain't that easy, nor is it as simple as we hope. Fairy tales are but children's literature, happily ever after are but the 3 words used to blanket the mundane mechanical details of making love work, love at first sight is but a nicer phrase for infatuation or physical attraction in the superficial sense, chemistry and sparks are but ideals romanticised by authors and film-makers nowadays.
Now you will start slamming labels like pessimist, cynic and sceptic. Oh come on, I'm just being a pragmatic realist and you just don't like it 'cos I'm bursting your bubble, the only escapade you have from this whole cruel and harsh reality.
So what's the delicate balance between actions and words like? Well, there's no definite answer for that since it differs from couple to couple. Love is that irrationality of the heart that the mind can never fully comprehend. 知足常乐。Yeah right, who's who to say what's sufficient and what's not?
For my other half, if I proposed to you by the esplanade with a high grade clarity 20-carat diamond ring, whisk you away to the Niageria Falls on an A-380 to take our wedding photos, followed by a transatlantic train to England to hold our church wedding in the oldest and grandest church, topped off by a honeymoon trip to Paris and Italy; for my friends, if I answered your call everytime without fail whenever you needed someone to talk, and knowing just what you're going through and how you're feeling, always free to go out and hang out whenever you are free and ask me to; for my parents, when you grow old and I am established in my career, if I gave you an American Express credit card, accompanied you to overseas trip whenever you crave for one... so would all these be enough?
Who knows you might ask why I didn't propose with that bunch of lilies which you so love, and didn't arrange for a beach wedding and a Fullerton hotel wedding dinner, and a honeymoon to the Maldives; you might ask why I couldn't just drop by your house when you were hoping for me to do so, and I could never just stay around long enough to gaze at the stars with you to chase the blues away; you might ask why I didn't get you a big mansion for you to do your gardening work and I seldom dropped by for dinner, or just to spend more time together appreciating wine...
Who's who to say what's what?
After all, it boils down pretty much to feelings of comfort and satisfaction. But in any case, you know that something's not going very right if you find yourself asking this question..
是我不够自信，或是你给我的信心不够多，请你告诉我。
If someone immerses himself in actions, in doing every little thing to show his love for you, and then takes care of the bigger plans too, but he never once said he loves you, or to affirm your character or personality, how would that pan out? I guess, it'll feel pretty good 'cos you know very well that this guy loves you that much to be willing to do so much, yet there'll still be that empty feeling, as though something is missing. Words, when complemented nicely with actions, give that 画龙点睛 effect，giving that magical touch to something otherwise mechanical.
On the other hand, should someone say nice things to you all the time, send you a message every other hour, declare his love to you every now and then, how then would you take it? For me, I'd say it's superficial and mechanical at best, or worse, hypocritical. Love, in this case, becomes much like a slogan, a 口头禅，an airy-fairy idea that never materialises.
So how should things be like? I guess, it starts off with words, then substantiated with actions, and along the way peppered with words to sweeten the pot.
Yeah, you can say I'm demanding, idealistic or way over the top, but come on, we know life really ain't that easy, nor is it as simple as we hope. Fairy tales are but children's literature, happily ever after are but the 3 words used to blanket the mundane mechanical details of making love work, love at first sight is but a nicer phrase for infatuation or physical attraction in the superficial sense, chemistry and sparks are but ideals romanticised by authors and film-makers nowadays.
Now you will start slamming labels like pessimist, cynic and sceptic. Oh come on, I'm just being a pragmatic realist and you just don't like it 'cos I'm bursting your bubble, the only escapade you have from this whole cruel and harsh reality.
So what's the delicate balance between actions and words like? Well, there's no definite answer for that since it differs from couple to couple. Love is that irrationality of the heart that the mind can never fully comprehend. 知足常乐。Yeah right, who's who to say what's sufficient and what's not?
For my other half, if I proposed to you by the esplanade with a high grade clarity 20-carat diamond ring, whisk you away to the Niageria Falls on an A-380 to take our wedding photos, followed by a transatlantic train to England to hold our church wedding in the oldest and grandest church, topped off by a honeymoon trip to Paris and Italy; for my friends, if I answered your call everytime without fail whenever you needed someone to talk, and knowing just what you're going through and how you're feeling, always free to go out and hang out whenever you are free and ask me to; for my parents, when you grow old and I am established in my career, if I gave you an American Express credit card, accompanied you to overseas trip whenever you crave for one... so would all these be enough?
Who knows you might ask why I didn't propose with that bunch of lilies which you so love, and didn't arrange for a beach wedding and a Fullerton hotel wedding dinner, and a honeymoon to the Maldives; you might ask why I couldn't just drop by your house when you were hoping for me to do so, and I could never just stay around long enough to gaze at the stars with you to chase the blues away; you might ask why I didn't get you a big mansion for you to do your gardening work and I seldom dropped by for dinner, or just to spend more time together appreciating wine...
Who's who to say what's what?
After all, it boils down pretty much to feelings of comfort and satisfaction. But in any case, you know that something's not going very right if you find yourself asking this question..
是我不够自信，或是你给我的信心不够多，请你告诉我。
23:51; The Pianist'
random reminders part 2
To try to keep my emotions in check; to not be overrun by the ever so strong pangs of jealousy and possessiveness towards people.
To recognise the need to change such that people around don't subconsciously become indispensible, or become reliant and dependent on these people.
To recognise the need to change such that people around don't subconsciously become indispensible, or become reliant and dependent on these people.
00:07; The Pianist'
Thursday, 15 January 2009
人、爱、光阴
人生苦短，历桑经沧，
持久永恒，唯独光阴。
人之爱，爱之质，
爱与光阴，频频相映。
持久永恒，唯独光阴。
人之爱，爱之质，
爱与光阴，频频相映。
23:05; The Pianist'
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
quoted from mr adrian tan's speech..
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.
I didn't say 'be loved'. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only onereason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth, the worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is notreciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
I didn't say 'be loved'. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only onereason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth, the worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is notreciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
23:43; The Pianist'
random reminders part 1
To not switch off when talking to smarter/more experienced/more knowledgeable people, despite the stress of feeling dumb; to adopt a more willing to learn attitude and teachable disposition.
To recognise that different people are just different and have different areas they are more the know-how; to not to attempt to match up to others in areas obviously insufficient and inadequate, but leave the various niches to the various people.
To recognise that different people are just different and have different areas they are more the know-how; to not to attempt to match up to others in areas obviously insufficient and inadequate, but leave the various niches to the various people.
22:25; The Pianist'
Friday, 9 January 2009
disjointed thoughts..
And I was posed this question - why is it that I am happier when I'm out with this person but am more tired out when with this other person?
Hmm I realised I couldnt come up with a credible answer but I'll attribute to 3 factors - the physical environment, the person's character, and the basis on which the relationship was built.
Ahh kinda lazy to continue blogging, and at the same time, just haven't really sorted out my thoughts either.
Anyhows, just ending off with sth today...
00:35; The Pianist'
Thursday, 8 January 2009
absence..
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's scaringly true sometimes. Or maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Anyhows, indeed, when you don't get to see a particular person for an extended period of time, you start wondering and thinking if the person is doing alright, or if the person is thinking of you. And then when you're finally going to meet that person, your mind blanks, your heart races, your palms sweat and you start wondering if you're looking presentable enough...
00:27; The Pianist'
Saturday, 3 January 2009
and if..
When you're looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend, are you looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, or are you looking for someone to spend the time with, someone who makes your heart race and your mind blank?
I guess it's usually more of the latter, peppered with occasional thoughts of the former. After all, relationships are not just about the physical, but also the emotional connection, psychological support and even some sense of the spiritual. But when we first enter into a relationship, it's more built on the physical comfort and emotional intimacy; as time progresses, we then start to ponder about the psychological realm of it all and go beyond the infancy of the juvenile physical and psychedelic emotional considerations.
I guess it's usually more of the latter, peppered with occasional thoughts of the former. After all, relationships are not just about the physical, but also the emotional connection, psychological support and even some sense of the spiritual. But when we first enter into a relationship, it's more built on the physical comfort and emotional intimacy; as time progresses, we then start to ponder about the psychological realm of it all and go beyond the infancy of the juvenile physical and psychedelic emotional considerations.
20:51; The Pianist'
Friday, 2 January 2009
是怕寂寞，还是爱我
在翻看自己的2007年12月及2008年1月的网上日记篇时，恰巧驻足在这一篇。重读了一遍后，依然觉得十分有意思，所以就‘copy and paste’给大家看看，咀嚼一番。
取自：香港作者李牧童的《是怕寂寞，还是爱我》。
是怕寂寞，还是爱我
当你说你喜欢我，其实你是否清楚，你是想替心灵找一份寄托，还是乐意将心灵托付给我？是我不够自信，或是你给我的信心不够多，请你告诉我。
告诉我，你在什么时候会特别想我？是在风和日丽的下午，还是在烟雨霏霏的晚上？是在人来人往的铜锣湾，或是在荒凉僻静的沙头角？是在兴高采烈之际希望与我分享，抑或在心情低落之时盼望我能替你分忧？
假如我们去东京旅行，你想和我一个人去，还是召唤更多的朋友？假如我们在森林中并肩漫步，黑暗忽然袭来，你伸出找不着我，你会先想到自己的安全，抑或和我一样，先担心你的下落？
假如我们流落在荒岛上，我们形影不离； 但在五光十色的都市里，你是否愿意和我相依为命？
在寒冷的时候，我会为你沏一杯茶，呵一口气，让你把脚掌搁在我的肚子上。
在你不快乐的时候，我会放下工作，陪你借酒浇愁，陪你胡乱ｓｈｏｐｐｉｎｇ。
在你愤郁的时候，我会不辨是非给你发泄，让你如孩子般无理，让臂膀给你咬个痛快。
但是，当我心情低落的时候，当我呆头呆脑的时候，你会愿意去理解我吗？其实你是爱我，抑或只是爱着我对你的好？
我不会问你如果有一天我瞎了跛了荡产倾家了，你会否依然爱我？
我只想知道如果有一天我们分开了，你会否很快便能爱上另一个？
是非我不可，还是恰巧遇上了我？是真的爱我，还是怕寂寞？
取自：香港作者李牧童的《是怕寂寞，还是爱我》。
是怕寂寞，还是爱我
当你说你喜欢我，其实你是否清楚，你是想替心灵找一份寄托，还是乐意将心灵托付给我？是我不够自信，或是你给我的信心不够多，请你告诉我。
告诉我，你在什么时候会特别想我？是在风和日丽的下午，还是在烟雨霏霏的晚上？是在人来人往的铜锣湾，或是在荒凉僻静的沙头角？是在兴高采烈之际希望与我分享，抑或在心情低落之时盼望我能替你分忧？
假如我们去东京旅行，你想和我一个人去，还是召唤更多的朋友？假如我们在森林中并肩漫步，黑暗忽然袭来，你伸出找不着我，你会先想到自己的安全，抑或和我一样，先担心你的下落？
假如我们流落在荒岛上，我们形影不离； 但在五光十色的都市里，你是否愿意和我相依为命？
在寒冷的时候，我会为你沏一杯茶，呵一口气，让你把脚掌搁在我的肚子上。
在你不快乐的时候，我会放下工作，陪你借酒浇愁，陪你胡乱ｓｈｏｐｐｉｎｇ。
在你愤郁的时候，我会不辨是非给你发泄，让你如孩子般无理，让臂膀给你咬个痛快。
但是，当我心情低落的时候，当我呆头呆脑的时候，你会愿意去理解我吗？其实你是爱我，抑或只是爱着我对你的好？
我不会问你如果有一天我瞎了跛了荡产倾家了，你会否依然爱我？
我只想知道如果有一天我们分开了，你会否很快便能爱上另一个？
是非我不可，还是恰巧遇上了我？是真的爱我，还是怕寂寞？
00:36; The Pianist'
Thursday, 1 January 2009
Reviewing 2008 - stocktaking
And even before I start I've already got a feeling that this blog post will be a pretty long one. After all, it's gonna be a whole long year condensed into a single entry, exacerbated by my rambling tendencies.
It's been a long year, with many ups and downs - oh come on, which year isn't? But 2008 has been a year of various milestones and impactful events, a year of astounding affliction and exaggerated exasperation, a year of solitude and zen, a year of forging friendships peppered with disillusionment, jadedness and disappointment, yet also at times, amazement and gratefulness.
Army wise, it's been a long and fruitful journey I would say - what with CECC for the first three months being a construction worker, overlapping with the whole Mas Selamat frenzy and operation duties, followed by a brief reprieve before the whole buildup of exercises to the final evaluation exercise in Thailand in Aug.
CECC was fun for me, found it interesting to be learning road constructions, culvert constructions, drainage constructions, cement work and soil work. Was indeed tough and trying, with many conflicts amongst the platoon as well as between the guys and us commanders. There were times that I almost wanted to give up and even an entire week of dysfunctionality. And it was then that I realised that I was someone whose determination can be easily affected, especially when I became disillusioned with the things I was doing, disappointed and jaded 'cos of the way people are reacting as well as irritated and exasperated by the attitudes of people, which seemed incomprehensible and unimaginable. Yet it was something that I couldnt translate to my church friends, the incapability due to the emotional exhaustion suffered from Monday to Friday. What I needed on Saturdays and Sundays was just to know that people are there and bother about me, and the very last thing that was on my mind was to ramble the horrible past week and live through the emotional heart-wrench, or to further tire myself out. And it was then when I realised the care of those around me in camp, how people could also be affected by the way I was, and definitely was most grateful to kokhou for always being there to encourage me during the days in camp and spuring me on to trudge through each dreaded week.
Following that was the crazily scheduled mas selamat operations, screwing up my weekends and plans for church - the time when I truly felt alone and acted alone and become quite the loner because my schedule was not in sync with everyone's else, and I just spent my time out alone at home. It was a big headache for me when I couldnt get my plans through for tuanqi, when the passion was still so fired up strong in me but yet I couldn't do anything to realise the execution, merely being capable of apologising to stelly for not being able to pull off anything, and just spamming sms-es to ppl whenever I could. Yeap of course people are understanding of my predicament and the horribly messed up situation I was in, but it was then that I realised random fact #2: I'm the sort of guy who can really get so frustrated about not being able to have control over my own life and execute my plans that I can end up being on the other extreme, and simply just heck everything. And of course when you start to become missing from church, people do start to take notice but only that few gems out there will take action to understand what's wrong and subsequently to do sth about it. And I have to be really thankful that isaac was always there to accompany my late MSN nights, oblige to random dates, and do all the small things along the way that mattered so much.
So after the whole mas selamat saga died down a little, my guys and I started preparing for the Thailand trip in August - with all the routemarches, physical training, various crazy exercises, preparing of stores and checking of equipment. And I have to say that it didn't really help to see jingyuan and kokhou switch over to platoon 2, kinda throwing me all by myself in platoon3. Not like they had a choice though. It sure was daunting to suddenly take up the active role leading the platoon, making the many decisions that I had to crack my head over, or just to heck certain considerations and people, being labelled as the acting PS and have all sorts of situations/decisions conveniently thrown at me to handle. It was this period that also made me much closer to the platoon and Kevin too, but it was also this time that gave me great pain and headaches dealing with various people in the platoon. =\ But that said, sure gotta give thanks to God for putting Kevin with me to affirm the horrible decisions I had to make, to balance out the stressful days of the week and to do crazy things together. And not forgetting the few guys in the platoon who could always understand the decisions I had to make, even if it was most unpopular and it didnt seem to be beneficial or useful, sometimes even causing more work and worse duty schedules. The few guys who always trusted me enough to do things on my account, to follow my instructions just 'cos it's me, and to not question my capabilities 'cos they believed in me. To these few guys out there, you guys know who you are. :)
And of course, the many times of spending late nights talking cock with jingyuan, kokhou, kevin, kaihim, doing random things together and watching movies, and going on nights out, and all other sorts of things we did in the bunk - all will not be forgotten for a long time yeah..
-----
Church-wise, it's been a fulfilling year I guess, being the tuanzhang, leading worship night, and being a daoshi for youth camp.
Tuanzhang was an interesting post to be in - being able to plan out all the tuanqi prgs together with stelly, concocting weird ideas to try out once in a while, devising how to structure the prgs properly... Still, I guess what I'll regret most is not being able to translate more ideas/plans into action, not being able to encourage more people to see the importance of tuanqi, almost always starting late 'cos of various reasons, and even became bochap for a short period of time. Sadly, I can't seem to pen down what's the most fulfilling thing or what's the thing that I was most glad about. Nothing comes to mind, really. Okay just took a look at the prgs for the whole year - I guess what I would be most glad was to start the Stations Of The Cross thing, and also having a few song sharing sessions which people enjoyed, as well as for starting the trend/format for prayer meetings.
Solomon knights wise - yet another year of heartwrench, joys, hopes, disillusionment and exasperation. Seeing how people start to drift away here and there, seeing people value or not value the times spent together, Ahh the emotions of which are just too familiar. Yet perhaps the most happy times we had together probably was the time when we organised the christmas celebrations together in peixun, as well as the time spent together on 22Dec to celebrate our class birthday. The breakthrough of going to play sports together for once, and the sharing we had on that day was most comforting to say the least. Indeed, I guess the class has come a long way - from just saying hi-bye on Sundays, to having meals together everytime we are out, to now having K-box sessions and even badminton together, and definitely the most impt of all, the ability and willingness we all now have to share with each other the very bare and honest feelings we have, the struggles we might face in our lives and church. And then perhaps the most hurtful and disheartening issue is the whole fellowship saga. Let's just say that as the head of the fellowship, when you stand in front of the whole fellowship and make announcements, and you happen not to see a single soul of your class people, the feeling can be quite overwhelming. And the juxtaposition of being tuanzhang yet not being able to motivate my own class people to value fellowship, to come on Saturdays, killed my initial passion and drive pretty long time ago. Still, all in all, when I take a step back , I have to say I really thank God for putting me in this class, for giving me the friends I have in the class, for all the storms, hardships, joy, hopes that we've been through.
-----
As for my friendships, as with every year, there will be some who you get to know better, who become more dear and closer to heart, and some that drift away and you start to become more indifferent and non-chalant after some time. As for the details of who's who and what's what, I guess I'll just keep it to myself ba. To those whom I've started to drift away from, especially those few that were once held so dearly and closely to my heart, I just hope that you'll have better days ahead and continue to be the great people that you guys are, and I'll still be always here when called upon. And for those who have now become such a big part of my life whose absence is unimaginable, may we continue to build each other up as we embrace the new year together. :)
As for you who made me write on a piece of serviette, thanks for all the joy once again for doing things together, and at the same time, sorry for all the hurt and pain I've put you through, esp regarding the latest event. Yeap, last one standing for both of us and I'm thankful for the mutual understanding we have.
And as for you whom God has given a lot, thanks for the times spent together, random crazy things that we did and thought of, and at the same time, sorry for the horrible moods and times I've thrown and flung on you. Here's to both of us for the year ahead and to pick up the pieces, and walk prepared into this new year together.
And for you who made me go through so many first-times, thanks for the times spent, the love showered, the understanding and respect given, and at the same time, sorry for the so many changes I've made to your life and the rollercoaster ride I've made you go through. Shan't say much here but yeap, here's to us and the year ahead, one step at a time...
It's been a long year, with many ups and downs - oh come on, which year isn't? But 2008 has been a year of various milestones and impactful events, a year of astounding affliction and exaggerated exasperation, a year of solitude and zen, a year of forging friendships peppered with disillusionment, jadedness and disappointment, yet also at times, amazement and gratefulness.
Army wise, it's been a long and fruitful journey I would say - what with CECC for the first three months being a construction worker, overlapping with the whole Mas Selamat frenzy and operation duties, followed by a brief reprieve before the whole buildup of exercises to the final evaluation exercise in Thailand in Aug.
CECC was fun for me, found it interesting to be learning road constructions, culvert constructions, drainage constructions, cement work and soil work. Was indeed tough and trying, with many conflicts amongst the platoon as well as between the guys and us commanders. There were times that I almost wanted to give up and even an entire week of dysfunctionality. And it was then that I realised that I was someone whose determination can be easily affected, especially when I became disillusioned with the things I was doing, disappointed and jaded 'cos of the way people are reacting as well as irritated and exasperated by the attitudes of people, which seemed incomprehensible and unimaginable. Yet it was something that I couldnt translate to my church friends, the incapability due to the emotional exhaustion suffered from Monday to Friday. What I needed on Saturdays and Sundays was just to know that people are there and bother about me, and the very last thing that was on my mind was to ramble the horrible past week and live through the emotional heart-wrench, or to further tire myself out. And it was then when I realised the care of those around me in camp, how people could also be affected by the way I was, and definitely was most grateful to kokhou for always being there to encourage me during the days in camp and spuring me on to trudge through each dreaded week.
Following that was the crazily scheduled mas selamat operations, screwing up my weekends and plans for church - the time when I truly felt alone and acted alone and become quite the loner because my schedule was not in sync with everyone's else, and I just spent my time out alone at home. It was a big headache for me when I couldnt get my plans through for tuanqi, when the passion was still so fired up strong in me but yet I couldn't do anything to realise the execution, merely being capable of apologising to stelly for not being able to pull off anything, and just spamming sms-es to ppl whenever I could. Yeap of course people are understanding of my predicament and the horribly messed up situation I was in, but it was then that I realised random fact #2: I'm the sort of guy who can really get so frustrated about not being able to have control over my own life and execute my plans that I can end up being on the other extreme, and simply just heck everything. And of course when you start to become missing from church, people do start to take notice but only that few gems out there will take action to understand what's wrong and subsequently to do sth about it. And I have to be really thankful that isaac was always there to accompany my late MSN nights, oblige to random dates, and do all the small things along the way that mattered so much.
So after the whole mas selamat saga died down a little, my guys and I started preparing for the Thailand trip in August - with all the routemarches, physical training, various crazy exercises, preparing of stores and checking of equipment. And I have to say that it didn't really help to see jingyuan and kokhou switch over to platoon 2, kinda throwing me all by myself in platoon3. Not like they had a choice though. It sure was daunting to suddenly take up the active role leading the platoon, making the many decisions that I had to crack my head over, or just to heck certain considerations and people, being labelled as the acting PS and have all sorts of situations/decisions conveniently thrown at me to handle. It was this period that also made me much closer to the platoon and Kevin too, but it was also this time that gave me great pain and headaches dealing with various people in the platoon. =\ But that said, sure gotta give thanks to God for putting Kevin with me to affirm the horrible decisions I had to make, to balance out the stressful days of the week and to do crazy things together. And not forgetting the few guys in the platoon who could always understand the decisions I had to make, even if it was most unpopular and it didnt seem to be beneficial or useful, sometimes even causing more work and worse duty schedules. The few guys who always trusted me enough to do things on my account, to follow my instructions just 'cos it's me, and to not question my capabilities 'cos they believed in me. To these few guys out there, you guys know who you are. :)
And of course, the many times of spending late nights talking cock with jingyuan, kokhou, kevin, kaihim, doing random things together and watching movies, and going on nights out, and all other sorts of things we did in the bunk - all will not be forgotten for a long time yeah..
-----
Church-wise, it's been a fulfilling year I guess, being the tuanzhang, leading worship night, and being a daoshi for youth camp.
Tuanzhang was an interesting post to be in - being able to plan out all the tuanqi prgs together with stelly, concocting weird ideas to try out once in a while, devising how to structure the prgs properly... Still, I guess what I'll regret most is not being able to translate more ideas/plans into action, not being able to encourage more people to see the importance of tuanqi, almost always starting late 'cos of various reasons, and even became bochap for a short period of time. Sadly, I can't seem to pen down what's the most fulfilling thing or what's the thing that I was most glad about. Nothing comes to mind, really. Okay just took a look at the prgs for the whole year - I guess what I would be most glad was to start the Stations Of The Cross thing, and also having a few song sharing sessions which people enjoyed, as well as for starting the trend/format for prayer meetings.
Solomon knights wise - yet another year of heartwrench, joys, hopes, disillusionment and exasperation. Seeing how people start to drift away here and there, seeing people value or not value the times spent together, Ahh the emotions of which are just too familiar. Yet perhaps the most happy times we had together probably was the time when we organised the christmas celebrations together in peixun, as well as the time spent together on 22Dec to celebrate our class birthday. The breakthrough of going to play sports together for once, and the sharing we had on that day was most comforting to say the least. Indeed, I guess the class has come a long way - from just saying hi-bye on Sundays, to having meals together everytime we are out, to now having K-box sessions and even badminton together, and definitely the most impt of all, the ability and willingness we all now have to share with each other the very bare and honest feelings we have, the struggles we might face in our lives and church. And then perhaps the most hurtful and disheartening issue is the whole fellowship saga. Let's just say that as the head of the fellowship, when you stand in front of the whole fellowship and make announcements, and you happen not to see a single soul of your class people, the feeling can be quite overwhelming. And the juxtaposition of being tuanzhang yet not being able to motivate my own class people to value fellowship, to come on Saturdays, killed my initial passion and drive pretty long time ago. Still, all in all, when I take a step back , I have to say I really thank God for putting me in this class, for giving me the friends I have in the class, for all the storms, hardships, joy, hopes that we've been through.
-----
As for my friendships, as with every year, there will be some who you get to know better, who become more dear and closer to heart, and some that drift away and you start to become more indifferent and non-chalant after some time. As for the details of who's who and what's what, I guess I'll just keep it to myself ba. To those whom I've started to drift away from, especially those few that were once held so dearly and closely to my heart, I just hope that you'll have better days ahead and continue to be the great people that you guys are, and I'll still be always here when called upon. And for those who have now become such a big part of my life whose absence is unimaginable, may we continue to build each other up as we embrace the new year together. :)
As for you who made me write on a piece of serviette, thanks for all the joy once again for doing things together, and at the same time, sorry for all the hurt and pain I've put you through, esp regarding the latest event. Yeap, last one standing for both of us and I'm thankful for the mutual understanding we have.
And as for you whom God has given a lot, thanks for the times spent together, random crazy things that we did and thought of, and at the same time, sorry for the horrible moods and times I've thrown and flung on you. Here's to both of us for the year ahead and to pick up the pieces, and walk prepared into this new year together.
And for you who made me go through so many first-times, thanks for the times spent, the love showered, the understanding and respect given, and at the same time, sorry for the so many changes I've made to your life and the rollercoaster ride I've made you go through. Shan't say much here but yeap, here's to us and the year ahead, one step at a time...
20:25; The Pianist'
thePIANIST;
~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano
theLOVE;
violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love
theWISH;
personalised room
keyboard
games
books
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson
theCHATTERBOX;
theESCAPES;
| 05S70 | Alfred | Andy Ng | Andy Paul Chen | Ben Teo | Ben Tan | Cheng Leng | Cherie | Chong Chen | Duo Jie | Eddie | Guan Han | Jeremy | Jun Hao | Kok Hong | Min Jie | Qu Kui | Samuel | Sean Leong | Shao Kai | Xin-ying | Xing Yan | Xun Yu | Yao Zhong | Yi Cheng | Ying Xia | Yu Shu | Zhi Yu |
~`church
| Adeline |
Grace Heah |
Grace Yam |
GUM |
iloveegg:) |
Isaac Lim |
Jeremy |
Jiaming |
Kenneth |
Quan Yong |
Sharon |
Solomon Knights =) |
Wenqi |
Xuemin |
Yineng |
Yingshan |
Yingshin |
ZhengYang |
~`others
| Brandon |
Choon Heng |
Isaac |
Jensen |
Jing Yuan |
Kai Him |
Kai Siang |
Lawrence |
Yoke Beng |
Zhi Xin |
theHISTORY;
theCREDITS;
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