thePIANIST

Monday, 23 November 2009

random monday piano lesson

Till now, I'm still amazed at the effects giving piano lessons have on me, and the things that come to mind during the lessons.

If you've ever given any lessons to any kid, you would probably understand how hard it is to make them see your point, or to get them to remember something.

I was pointing to this note on the book and asking him what the note was. The correct answer is D (out of 7 possibilities) The conversation went sth like this:
kid: C!
me: C?
kid: uh, no no no. E!
me: E???
kid: uhm, no no, G!!
me: G?????
kid: I know! F!
me: *half-dead* F?!?!?! How can this be F?!
kid: D!

Gosh, the immense gratification and satisfaction is being words, seriously. In fact, at that point in time, one word came to my mind describe whatever I was feeling. Orgasmic. Haha okay don't flame me for using such words, but I guess I just can't find another more appropriate word in my limited vocabulary.

Subsequently, the same kid got another note wrong. He got it right on his second attempt but I decided to be mean and test him a bit. The conversation went sth like this (and I still can't believe I actually did it):
kid: D!
me: D?
kid: yes!
me: sure?
kid: yes!
me: you sure?
kid: yes..
me: how sure are you?
kid: very sure.
me: very sure? what if you're wrong?
kid: uh, wrong then I die..

Seriously. I can't believe that I, at 21 years old, assuming the position of a teacher, was actually doing this. Must be the post-torts thing man.

21:56; The Pianist'

Saturday, 21 November 2009

just dropping by to say hi

Hello Blog. I seem to have neglected you quite a bit the past few weeks/months, judging from the irregularity of my posts, and the less-than-spectacular content I've been putting up. Yet, I realise I always come back to seek solace in you whenever things don't go too smoothly for me in life. I know I should go to your cousin Diary instead but I guess you're just more approachable and easily within reach. And I'll admit, confiding in Diary can be quite a Herculean task whereas with you, everything just flows out naturally and in a more relaxed manner.

I'm not too sure what I wanna tell you, given that you are such a transparent entity - I'm not complaining about it because it's my choice anyway. But sometimes I just wish I could just pour out everything inside to you, 'cos it seems that you can and will take everything I have to say, without passing judgments, without having to excuse yourself because of work/school tomorrow, and because at such a weird time, I guess you're probably my only sane friend around who's not asleep and I don't mind imposing on.

You know what, I really wish I can lie on your shoulders and just close my eyes into oblivion - even if it's just for a couple of minutes. I think I'll be contented enough to just have a temporary escape from the crazy pace of life, from the screwed-up decisions I've made, from the impending crap that is gonna be thrown at me. And I know you won't blame me if I end up tearing and wetting your shoulders. If only you could extend your hand to pat my head for a second, just to reassure me that everything's gonna be alright. Even if both of us know that it's not true, I guess it would be nice to have that moment of self-denial, self-delusion that I'm indeed safe in a crazy world. Just so that I'd know the world ain't as onerous as it looks. Don't you agree?

I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling this crapped up now. A big part of it is probably the old enemy Exams - you know, the guy who always disturbs me and wrecks havoc in my life once in a while? Yet at the same time, I know myself pretty well, that such intense feelings of crap do not stem from a single incident; it's the culmination of a compendium of crap that I've just swept under the carpet. And then it accumulated into this small hill-like protrusion against the carpet, which ultimately trips me. And I fall. And you know, there are times when you fall and you just don't feel like picking yourself up. For some reasons, you just want to stay there, flat on your face, for a few more moments. With the cold floor staring right straight at your face, you realise you just don't want to stand up that quickly lest you trip again. That's what's going on now I suppose. And I'll just lay there, whine until someone comes along to pick me up, and soothe me well again. Oh, you know what? I think I've already picked myself up. Probably that's why I wanted to lie on your shoulders. It's a form of temporary escape for me to release all that pent-up emotions I had in that fall.

I was thinking about Exams just now, and I was kinda glad that I wasn't in this by myself. Well, it's kinda a common enemy with some of my friends too. In the past, I was either sufficiently prepared for his tricks and onslaught, or I was not sufficiently prepared but was not too bothered by it. And back in those days, I could go around helping others and caring for their war-torn state. Now, I find myself in that war-torn state and been craving for someone to soothe my wounds. It got pretty bad but I only realised just now, that staying in that craving is in fact counter-productive. I got up, tried to care for others, and in fact I find myself even more emotionally prepared to face this old enemy.

Well, all those aside, I was wondering why I am feeling so crapped-up about facing this old enemy again. A friend told me some days ago to relax and rationalised that perhaps I was going through this panic attack due to expectations. I'm not entirely sure whether that is the truth, or maybe I'm just denying the truth. Anyhows, a thought came to mind as I was taking stock of my equipment: if my parents were to come to me and told me that it doesn't matter the outcome of the face-off between Exams and I, would I necessarily be less apprehensive? Frankly, I couldn't come up with an answer. But I do know, I would really appreciate if I knew of their support and understanding. Well, to be fair to them, I do have one of the most understanding/supportive parents around but I guess, when you're preparing for war, the last thing you need is for people to come up to you and ask you to stop preparing in order to do something else 'more important' like eat or sleep. It's not that I'm neglecting my meals or sleep, it's just that my values/habits are different from them, isn't it? I recognise the importance of rest and energy when engaging in a battle, but having 100% energy and alertness but highly inadequate armour and ammunition will just render a lost cause - it's not rocket science right?

Ah, those mixed feelings of bitching-understanding-complaining-messaging-catching.up are coming up again. It's an issue that's highly complex and delicate. Yet, I've managed to bring it down to pretty simple terms. However, I'm beginning to wonder and question myself. It's just that it's surfaced and cast aside so many times I'm really starting to doubt. And I know I've been escaping from it because... because.. damn. I don't really know the answer myself. Because I don't want to impose my standards on others? Because I don't want to 'lose face'? Because I'd rather live in denial to give myself one more thing to be proud and happy of? Because I might be the one that's thinking too much? Because I don't want another self-fulfilling prophesy? Because I don't want to admit that things peaked so quickly a plateau or decline is inevitable? Blarhs. I don't wanna bother about it now, especially when I have the big E to face. But then again, this is probably one of the main contributing factors to my fall, and it's at such crappy times that I could do with a message or call or hug that I would question myself.

I think I rambled too much. I'm sorry, friend. I promise I'll try to give you more intellectual discourse after I've recovered from all the fatigue and exasperation. As for now, thanks for the shoulder and ear lent, thanks for being on call 24/7, and thanks for bearing with me without passing judgments or defences. I really need to go now, but I'm sure we'll catch up when I'm free? Yeah, I know it's a cliche and 'catch up soon' is just a nicer way than saying catch up after a long time. It sort gives some sense of (false) hope that it'll take place in the very near future. But I guess, by going into a friendship, we all consented to deal with the ups and downs together, bearing the crap together too.

And oh yeah, if you can, you might wanna keep all these to yourself unless you know that by letting any particular someone in on this, it will make my life better. Though I highly doubt it.

Alright, I really need to go sleep already. I'll hear from you again pretty soon, I hope.

And just to make my point - catch up soon!

03:18; The Pianist'

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

quick post - hiatus, inertia, motivation

Just dropping by for a quick post.

Went house visitation with dingyi and wanjie just now, and i must say it felt real good. Felt good because I was finally doing something productive again and hey, I must say I'm motivated to do my part for the church and for the Lord once again. =)

And I figured the reason I lost my drive some time back was because I took a hiatus - the only thing that'll result from a hiatus is inertia. And it's something that's very real for me in many aspects. Started mugging today *finally*and I actually felt the drive to mug and the quest/thirst for more. Went house visitation, immersed myself in thoughts of tuanqi next year and I'm motivated to start doing a good job out of it.

The only thing is that I need to keep these things going and moving, and not afford another hiatus again. As someone once told me - I need to steer clear of self-fulfilling prophesies and I only just realised how operative it is in my life. Is it too late for this realisation? Well, maybe in some aspects it might be a tad too late, but at least from now on, I know that's a pitfall I need to keep in mind to avoid.

And now, it's back to Tan Keng Feng and his articles on negligence, harrassment, and false imprisonment. =)

22:31; The Pianist'

Saturday, 14 November 2009

brain overdrive in 15mins

*2007hrs: boarded 852 at church bus stop, thanked God that I managed to get a seat, 'cos I'm really tired*

*2010hrs: boy A and girl B sat in front of me, grandmas C and D sat behind me*

*2015hrs:
C: ".. but now no more deposit already, so you need to have $3 in your ez-link card.."
D: "But I paid the $5 what."
C: "No, that is non-refundable, it's the cost of the card."
A: "I don't mind being the bad guy, if you want. I can give her a slap in the face the next time..."
B: "No, but that's not the point. She's just so..."
A: "You mean she expects us to treat her nice and she treats us like that? It's not fair what. I mean, we can choose to be nice and forgiving, but some people just want to be your friend when things are good, and then... but that's not what friends are what?"
B: "Yah, but..."
~vibration in my jeans, hoping that it's not a phonecall, realises that the vibration persists and just dread looking at the number~
~takes out the phone, realises it's corrine. Ends the phonecall, and thank God that it's not another of those calls which asks me to do stuff~*

And I tried to recall..
the first time I had such a strong dislike for someone
the first time I really felt like I hated someone
the first time I tried to mediate a conflict between 2 friends
the first time I had such raw emotions associated with youth
the first time those feelings of crush crept into my heart
the first time I looked at someone with non-platonic interest
the first time I had those intense feelings of affection
the first time I listened to a friend pour out his heart
the first time I poured out my heart to someone
the first time I thought I found my best friend
the first time your lips touched mine
the first time I couldn't control myself
the first time I went crazy
Well, not all I have answers nor experienced..

*2020hrs: C's phone rang.
C：“我刚才打给你，你没有接。”
C：“没有，我是要跟你讲，桌子上有面包。”
C：“你要记得绑好，然后盖起来。”*

原来，我们的生命就是充满着许多琐琐碎碎的事－终日劳劳碌碌，尚且须要打理忙不完的琐事。但，不是吗？其实生命就是这些小小的事凑起来的！你大概不会花太多心思或时间去烦恼它们的落成。它们已组成了我们生活的架构－一切其他的事物乃绕着它们走啊！

*2022hrs: alighted the bus at the interchange, saw that 947 only had one bus parked at the berth with its lights on, but without driver, instinctively walked out to the bus stop to wait for other buses. Just before I reached the bus stop, 947 zoomed past and I was too lazy to run after it. Finally reached the bus stop, saw an incoming bus and realised it was 176.*

And the first thought that came to mind - 'choice/decision - it's such a bitch, isn't it?'
And inevitably I went back to that point in my life where I had to make that decision, and till now I still wonder if I should have.. or not. And it's that kind of question that no one else can answer, nor can I myself truthfully answer with certainty. I really don't know.
And then even for many other decisions, with every step that you take, you just fear that it's gonna be horrible and that you'll regret. Then there's always those Hobson's choice, false dilemma, Morton's fork.. and then there's always that Nelsonian knowledge..

*2028hrs: 187 came, took out my wallet, happened to flip it open and saw the photo of my sis and I*

And it just suddenly struck how much my love for my sister has evolved and manifested itself in so many different ways of varying degrees along the years...

*2029hrs: there was this small boy who started screaming and making quite a bit of noise*

And I wondered why I really dislike small little kids that much. And I really wonder if I'll ever have kids of my own, and how I will survive when I really do have them..

*2030hrs: the boy pressed the bell repeatedly and the mum was all nice about it*

And I really can't help but think, if back then, 15 years ago, I was the one standing on the seat and pressing the bell repeatedly, what would my parents do to me? And I see the stark contrast between parents-children today and parents-children of the past. And I recognise that the dynamics of such a complex relationship will only be even more varied when my generation assumes the parenting role.

And I thought back about my childhood, which suddenly gave me this crippling feeling. I don't know why, but everytime I recall and think about my childhood, this strong sense of paralysis just grabs me from within and I can't explain it. It just comes. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist to figure things out eh. Anyhows, I figured, just give me my bouts of emo times when I need 'em and I'll move on once I've had my fill.

22:06; The Pianist'

Thursday, 5 November 2009

qualifications, disclaimers, pre-emptive measures..

Been thinking about this habit of mine for eons. Maybe it's not so much a habit, but pretty much in my character. Whatever the case, it was brought up quite some time ago by a friend, procrastinated in penning this entry, subsequently matriculated into law school and realised how true it was and its attached extensions.

Two main points on the basic situation:
1) I tend to qualify myself in whatever I say, giving tons of disclaimers to certain things.
2) I tend to, upon receiving someone's feedback and reply to my proposition, acknowledge their viewpoint and then simply going on to dismiss them and put mine across - what it looks like is that I seem to have taken into account a person's perspective when in reality, I merely acknowledged his viewpoint without giving much consideration - or at least, that's what my friend pointed out in those observations/comments about me.

First things first, I'll admit to the first point. Well, I can be pretty insecure about myself, about my thoughts (and yes God knows why I'm putting my thoughts to public scrutiny in the cyber world). Sometimes when people point out my blatant error (which I didnt see it so plainly initially), and I realise that it was sheer ignorance on my part and there's no way out of it, then yeah, I'll just remark major fail, attempt to laugh at myself, and make light out of the whole situation. After all, if you have made a mistake, best to acknowledge and admit it than to spiral down the path of further mistakes and embarrassment, while at the same time amusing your friends and providing some comic relief. But such innocuous situations aside, to caveat my remarks and statements are but a way of showing a balanced consideration, and more importantly to give myself a back-door. You can pretty much think of it as a disclaimer or exclusion/limitation clause in a contract/agreement kind of thing. Yes, it does get irritating for some people to talk to me but I guess, that'll just be one of my idiosyncrasies that ain't likely to change.

As for the second issue of discounting and dismissing people's opinions, I'll admit, too, that sometimes I'm guilty of that, but definitely not all the time, notwithstanding the ostensible circumstances. Sometimes, I rebut pretty quickly because the alternative proposed has streaked through my mind before, at some point in time; sometimes, I am just being insecure and it's a defence mechanism that kicks up when I feel that the other party is being vindictive or exploitative; sometimes, it's to see how well-thought-through the person is of his idea, and how strongly he feels for it. Nonetheless, it's palpable (or so I hope) that if you feel sufficiently strongly for something and once again puts it across to me, I will, at the end of the day, listen to you properly and evaluate that alternative.

And if you are one of those who simply can't stand this trait of mine, then it's really a pity because I doubt it'll go away. Especially after 3 months in law school, I'll admit that it manifests itself in many more ways than I could have imagined. When Prof Arun asks a question, there's an impulse to shoot off my mouth my exact thoughts and feelings, but I've learnt from experience that I'll be immediately thrown with the alternative view. So it turns out, when I want to say something, I'll come up with something contradictory to what I wanted to say, and then the battle of ideas takes place inside my mind and I start to trail off. Or when someone asks me something, my mind immediately splits into both sides, or if you want, half of my brain is wearing the Black Hat, and the other half is wearing the Yellow Hat. It pretty much takes place simultaneously, though yes, I know it goes against the teachings of Edward De Bono's 6 Thinking Hats.

Anyhows, I've finally thought through it, and gone through with this entry, and I can (pretty proudly, I must say) say that qualifications, disclaimers and pre-empt are just ways by which I function. I'm not saying it's a good or a bad thing, though it really gets irritating when I realise that almost after every viewpoint/stand I state, the word 'but' immediately follows. Indeed, sometimes on MSN while chatting with friends I had already typed out my but-statements, but I chose to press the backspace key and left it open. Sometimes it's easier that way, sometimes it aint.

To the friend who brought up the issue, at the very least, thanks for being truthful and honest in telling me and I really appreciate it. I won't say that I'll change 'cos I know I probably won't. BUT, I know now that I'll take note and be more wary of the impressions I'm giving people. Now, whenever I qualify with a 'but' after any sentence, it's pretty much instinctive to wonder whether there's really that absolute need for that. And I know that if there's no need for it, or if I can afford to just suspend myself in time for that few seconds and really put some serious thought into the alternative proposition, and to show that I really am giving thought to a person's opinion, then it would be a win-win situation - I don't jump to conclusions, nor rush through a hasty evaluative process, and the person will feel much appreciated, valued and encouraged, bolstering his sense of security and esteem in providing constructive alternative intellectual discourse in the future.

17:27; The Pianist'

trust

trust. one simple word, with complicated implications.

monosyllabic, yet gives a special ring to it,

overused, but what's the meaning?

I guess it has been relegated to the same level as believe. I guess to some extent they are pretty similar but trust is a level deeper? Belief is so specific to a particular thing/event, where as trust is more than that.

and this line of thought reminded me of someone who used to be close.. and made me think of my unwritten post about people who have impacted/changed me in so many ways.. soon, soon..

00:35; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano

theLOVE;

violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love

theWISH;

personalised room
~~keyboard~~
~~games~~
~~books~~
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson

theCHATTERBOX;

theESCAPES;

theHISTORY;

theCREDITS;

host: blogger
brushes : x
picture: x x
designer: Winter min