thePIANIST

Tuesday, 4 August 2009

confused no more..

Alright, sorted out my thoughts a bit. At least now I know I'm not confused. I just needed some time to mull over things and figure things out. As Darren says, life's a journey of discovery and enlightenment. Indeed, it can get interesting at times, but also troubling as well.

Anyhows, am feeling way better after some time spent alone. Well, not exactly alone though.

As I said a week ago, it's high time I wake up and take control of my own life. And trust me, it really feels great to have a sense of direction, to know what you're working for, and to at least feel that you have some semblence of control and order in your life. When life throws crap at you, it's normal to just sit around and bitch and moan. But ultimately, staying at that stage aint getting you nowhere. If you know there's a problem, stand up and work around it, and get down to doing something about it.

And yes, it really feels great to know that you're working towards something and having that sense of control over your life, even if it's minuscule or microscopic.

Yeah baby, yeahhhh.

22:04; The Pianist'

all but human

the sound of the fan
the heat of the lamp
the stillness of the night like a van
massively intruding decidingly to camp

the thoughts of the past
the memories of the months
the feelings all raw and vast
...

so what if I'm me
and nice and all
I still have to pee
am human after all

01:22; The Pianist'

Monday, 3 August 2009

confused apprehensive anticipating 030809

Just done with first day of matriculation week today; with the inauguration ceremony, as my eldest brother puts it, I'm now officially an undergrad.

And I really wonder if I did the right thing matriculating into the faculty of law. That all-familiar sense of insecurity coupled with some sense of awkwardness resulted in a panic attack just now. Well, just a small one, thankfully.

I wondered about whether I could and would step out of my comfort zone and be of some contribution to tutorial discussions, wondered if I would really bring myself to actively voice out my opinions, wondered if I would ever survive a moot, wondered if I would break down when I find my facade being brutally torn apart and ruthlessly judged, and the best of it all? I find myself the only one subconsiously weaving in chinese phrases and expressions into conversation, and then auto-truncating myself when I find myself on the verge of blurting out a chinese phrase, and constantly reminding myself to switch to channel 5.

Bleahs, I lost the mood to type about it. But I'll just leave my thoughts as they are, and hopefully I'll be fine after some time. No matter what, I'll still do my best in whatever I can, and give it my best shot and see how God leads...

-----

And I realise I'm really not all that keen to get into a relationship; and I thought I was craving for one. As much as I really desire the warmth and joy and bliss that being in love brings, I equally dread the process of courtship, of dating, and spending time and much effort to maintain and keep the relationship going. And then I realised I love my friends, yet I bitch about them sometimes; I appreciate their care and concern, yet I get tired of questions; I want my friends, yet am equally non-chalant in maintaining the friendship.

Sometimes, I really wonder who and what I am, and if I really understand even a fraction of myself.

And now I'll say it, I'm confused over so many things and I can only pray that I find a way out soon.

22:02; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano

theLOVE;

violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love

theWISH;

personalised room
~~keyboard~~
~~games~~
~~books~~
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson

theCHATTERBOX;

theESCAPES;

theHISTORY;

theCREDITS;

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