Friday, 27 February 2009
Say hi to love's evil twin
Jealousy. It's that almost unexplainable instinctive overwhelming emotion that simply engulfs you when it strikes so suddenly, gripping your mind and your heart with seemingly undying strength that just cannot be shrugged off.
As long as you have loved someone before, you would understand what I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not shouting out that I'm in love but as long as you have someone in your mind or heart - be it one of your family members, that closest friend of yours ever since primary school days, or some particular friend that you simply care for and love so much - you'll know what I'm driving at.
And when it strikes, it bulldozes right into your life, tossing aside everything else in your life momentarily, embalming you with an impenetrable layer of resistence to whatever people may say, and it begins eating you out from the inside.
Yes, it's a horrible and tiring feeling but you just can't seem to shrug off - if you feel that someone isn't loving you enough, you can choose to focus on the small things and the past memories to make yourself think otherwise; but jealousy's an irrational guerrilla enigma, it just doesn't work that way.
So sometimes when you learn of something, you just wish you didn't know about it. Yes, ignorance is bliss, they say. Yet, more often than not, when someone else does something which unintentionally or unforeseeably stirs up those pangs of jealousy, that whole process once initiated just rolls out wholesale. And then you find yourself in a contradictory dilemma - you'd rather be ignorant, but isn't being ignorant just what that someone has done? And at this time, you can't decide whether you are having this whole flurry of emotions because of the one you love so much, or the one who has done something. Many times, we then question ourselves: perhaps it's just us being irritated with ourselves.
And then it all boils down to yourself again. Indeed, one more time we go...
As long as you have loved someone before, you would understand what I'm talking about. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not shouting out that I'm in love but as long as you have someone in your mind or heart - be it one of your family members, that closest friend of yours ever since primary school days, or some particular friend that you simply care for and love so much - you'll know what I'm driving at.
And when it strikes, it bulldozes right into your life, tossing aside everything else in your life momentarily, embalming you with an impenetrable layer of resistence to whatever people may say, and it begins eating you out from the inside.
Yes, it's a horrible and tiring feeling but you just can't seem to shrug off - if you feel that someone isn't loving you enough, you can choose to focus on the small things and the past memories to make yourself think otherwise; but jealousy's an irrational guerrilla enigma, it just doesn't work that way.
So sometimes when you learn of something, you just wish you didn't know about it. Yes, ignorance is bliss, they say. Yet, more often than not, when someone else does something which unintentionally or unforeseeably stirs up those pangs of jealousy, that whole process once initiated just rolls out wholesale. And then you find yourself in a contradictory dilemma - you'd rather be ignorant, but isn't being ignorant just what that someone has done? And at this time, you can't decide whether you are having this whole flurry of emotions because of the one you love so much, or the one who has done something. Many times, we then question ourselves: perhaps it's just us being irritated with ourselves.
And then it all boils down to yourself again. Indeed, one more time we go...
20:35; The Pianist'
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Marley
And it's Marley And Me. Ahhh it was a good show, really. At the end of the show, I could have sworn half the cinema was in tears. And yes, it's really the bawl your heart out kind of crying I'm talking about here. There were more than just a couple of people who sat around for some time after the credits just to cool down and handle their emotions.
Won't be a spoiler here, but I guess it's really true that how things just happen in our lives unplanned, and such things are what make our life so colourful unexpectedly. Ahh brain's kinda dead now but I think I made my point somehow eh?
And I'll keep that scene etched in my mind for quite some time, will remember that few seconds of vulnerability which totally reminded me of the changes our own lives may throw upon us. And I guess I realise I'm getting more comfortable with being just who I am. To be natural and not always pull a strong front. Yet, as someone said to me before, perhaps I'm hurt that much before in the past such that subconsciously I still lock a part of myself inside me, refuse to show that helpless vulnerability to anyone. Still, at least I know I can be convinced to let down my guard at times, and just be myself. It's such times that I have been having the past few months post-ORD that I'm thankful for, such moments which make me feel so fortunate for everything. =)
Won't be a spoiler here, but I guess it's really true that how things just happen in our lives unplanned, and such things are what make our life so colourful unexpectedly. Ahh brain's kinda dead now but I think I made my point somehow eh?
And I'll keep that scene etched in my mind for quite some time, will remember that few seconds of vulnerability which totally reminded me of the changes our own lives may throw upon us. And I guess I realise I'm getting more comfortable with being just who I am. To be natural and not always pull a strong front. Yet, as someone said to me before, perhaps I'm hurt that much before in the past such that subconsciously I still lock a part of myself inside me, refuse to show that helpless vulnerability to anyone. Still, at least I know I can be convinced to let down my guard at times, and just be myself. It's such times that I have been having the past few months post-ORD that I'm thankful for, such moments which make me feel so fortunate for everything. =)
22:59; The Pianist'
Quick random updates!
my ONE week mob-manning was without activation, thank god! =)
i haven't had a proper entry for TWO weeks, all pretty weirded posts >.<
i've been slacking for THREE weeks now, haven't touched that stack of law notes from my sis-in-law ever since beginning of feb -_-
my fam's planning a taiwan trip in may which lasts FOUR days three nights =D
i went for the synod youth leaders camp FIVE days ago - sermon was great! =)
i finally got decided to sign up for my SIX months safra energyone gym membership - time to get down to serious business =\
GOSHH it's horrible trying to find patterns and numbers to go with it -.-
SEVEN of us (songyang xiucheng me sharon grace alison yingshin) went to raffles city shokudo on SEVENteen feb for dinner as a farewell dinner for yingshin!
finally registered my piano performing dipABRSM exam on the EIGHTeenth this month after deciding EIGHT months ago to retake it..
And two more random bits of info that I cant think of numbers -.-
been chionging driving lessons every week - finally almost ready to take my driving test in april.. haha okay still long - can get more practice! =D
ANDDDDDDDDD
went eskibar with my dear solomon knights today! GOSHH, shall talk abt it another time mannns..
i haven't had a proper entry for TWO weeks, all pretty weirded posts >.<
i've been slacking for THREE weeks now, haven't touched that stack of law notes from my sis-in-law ever since beginning of feb -_-
my fam's planning a taiwan trip in may which lasts FOUR days three nights =D
i went for the synod youth leaders camp FIVE days ago - sermon was great! =)
i finally got decided to sign up for my SIX months safra energyone gym membership - time to get down to serious business =\
GOSHH it's horrible trying to find patterns and numbers to go with it -.-
SEVEN of us (songyang xiucheng me sharon grace alison yingshin) went to raffles city shokudo on SEVENteen feb for dinner as a farewell dinner for yingshin!
finally registered my piano performing dipABRSM exam on the EIGHTeenth this month after deciding EIGHT months ago to retake it..
And two more random bits of info that I cant think of numbers -.-
been chionging driving lessons every week - finally almost ready to take my driving test in april.. haha okay still long - can get more practice! =D
ANDDDDDDDDD
went eskibar with my dear solomon knights today! GOSHH, shall talk abt it another time mannns..
00:44; The Pianist'
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Zen, in His time too..
Zen. That simple yet intricate feeling of blessedness and peace.
Been a long time since I had such a deep sense of it. Somehow even when you seem to be doing things on your own accord, yet in the bigger picture, in that bigger sense of the jigsaw puzzle world God has in mind, everything just ties in that nicely and seamlessly. And I never fail to be amazed by it.
The choice of not going to tuanqi for once, the choice of going by my gut feeling, the eventual thoughts that came to mind from nowhere, the eventual conversation I had - and I thought it ended there when I felt that inexplicable 'zen' and the reassurance I got from it all yesterday.
And then I went to church as per normal, and it has been a long time since I last had such a strong 'zen' in that song - not because I was emo and I found comfort, not because I was shouting out with joy; it was simply that simple I'm-a-child-of-God feeling that so overwhelmed me. And subsequently after service when I was approached to help, even though I just did what I could and be myself, and it seemed just normal to have done what I did, but I realised on the way back just now that had I not settled down my feelings yesterday, had I remained in the angsty or pensive or sub-normal mood yesterday, I would have behaved in a much different way today, and possibly I wouldn't be approached.
And, that's how once again I see God's working in everything, for everything falls into place so flawlessly. Even though on the surface it might seem pretty uneventful and perhaps even routine-normal, yet deep inside me, I know that if not for yesterday, today would have been a total different outcome.
And indeed, as someone said, it's my past 17 years that have shaped me, impacted me, moulded me, and trained me into who I am today. And for that, I have my family and friends to thank. And as for finding that courage and confidence to be myself, to have faith in myself and just be comfortable with who I am, I'll look inside myself and smile, and I know I'm thankful to the Lord for putting people in my life - those special people who have impacted me that much. =)
Been a long time since I had such a deep sense of it. Somehow even when you seem to be doing things on your own accord, yet in the bigger picture, in that bigger sense of the jigsaw puzzle world God has in mind, everything just ties in that nicely and seamlessly. And I never fail to be amazed by it.
The choice of not going to tuanqi for once, the choice of going by my gut feeling, the eventual thoughts that came to mind from nowhere, the eventual conversation I had - and I thought it ended there when I felt that inexplicable 'zen' and the reassurance I got from it all yesterday.
And then I went to church as per normal, and it has been a long time since I last had such a strong 'zen' in that song - not because I was emo and I found comfort, not because I was shouting out with joy; it was simply that simple I'm-a-child-of-God feeling that so overwhelmed me. And subsequently after service when I was approached to help, even though I just did what I could and be myself, and it seemed just normal to have done what I did, but I realised on the way back just now that had I not settled down my feelings yesterday, had I remained in the angsty or pensive or sub-normal mood yesterday, I would have behaved in a much different way today, and possibly I wouldn't be approached.
And, that's how once again I see God's working in everything, for everything falls into place so flawlessly. Even though on the surface it might seem pretty uneventful and perhaps even routine-normal, yet deep inside me, I know that if not for yesterday, today would have been a total different outcome.
And indeed, as someone said, it's my past 17 years that have shaped me, impacted me, moulded me, and trained me into who I am today. And for that, I have my family and friends to thank. And as for finding that courage and confidence to be myself, to have faith in myself and just be comfortable with who I am, I'll look inside myself and smile, and I know I'm thankful to the Lord for putting people in my life - those special people who have impacted me that much. =)
22:14; The Pianist'
Saturday, 21 February 2009
Random Rant
Recently there've been lotsa people asking me how my life has been of late. And they do not fail to be invariably astounded by my ostensibly half-joking reply of tired.
Indeed, I do admit that life has never been this great - to relax, spending time with myself and loved ones, doing things that I like yet still have a job and income. Yet on the other hand, I really am tired. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually - in all sense of the word tired, less the physical weariness connotations ironically.
It's just been a little too much of an emotional and spiritual rollercoaster ride and struggling within me, to deal with the various developments in church. For all who know me well enough, I'm someone without any close school friends, putting church matters above all else, spending time and effort thinking of how to pull the class together and get everyone, including myself, back on track. Hence, my total lack of any close friends outside church. Some may aspire to become like me, but I sure do envy those who are close to their school friends. After all, it makes the weekdays pass so much easier and quicker.
And then I told myself that 2009 will be a year that I'll change my focus - taking my mind off the class and focusing on other things. Inevitably, that led to a shift in attitude towards a more non-chalent and dispensible view in matters regarding the class. And perhaps this made me understand some people better. Still, it sucks when people suddenly see the value in the class when I start to decide to pull myself away a little bit. And after being thrown into the limelight years ago and being stuck in there for so many years now, people form this impression of you - an infallable, firm stronghold who would always be there to take the lead if any needs it. But of course, church has always had a dear place in my heart and I'm more than willing to immerse myself in its arms. But people start to then form this impression of you - an unreachable milestone that's even crazy to think about. That's when everything starts to go wrong. When you try to set an example, to do the right thing even when the time is so tight and the situations are just so temptingly rebellious, yet you think of your church friends and you just want to persevere in the Lord together with them, and you are so glad when you manage to stick through it 'cos you know you have not let your friends down, you realise that people begin to shrug off your efforts in a simple phrase 'oh, it's minhai what.' And you devastatingly plummet into that black hole of 'what-have-I-done-wrongly' and 'I-should-have-known-better'. But then you try to kick yourself out of it 'cos you know it's not supposed to be that way.
As someone once said, we're like the 不倒翁; sometimes we are hurt and beaten down so badly that we just stay down there for a longer while before bouncing back up again. As for me, I guess sometimes I willingly plunge down on my own accord without any external stress simply because I'm afraid and unwilling to take another blow. And so I choose to remain down there for some time. It's this sort of down-time that allows me to recharge, to rest such that I can go a longer distance.
Yet, the irritating albeit heart-warming thing is this: the moment you just started having your downtime, suddenly people flood into your world to show their concern. Yes, I guess the old adage of 'A friend in need is a friend indeed' is pretty true and it's through tough times that you get to see others' concern and help towards you. But at times, you just wonder, really wonder, whether people feel the absence 'cos of who you are, or they feel the absence of someone to lead such that they can simply follow. And then you suddenly feel that pang of guilt 'cos you realise that all your friends truly care about you and notice you, but it's also then that you think to yourself - would I be more guilty if I just disappeared for once without any advance warning, or if I gave a week's notice that I'll be attending to some other [seemingly] valid matters (or excuse?). And therein lies the irony of it all - the inconsistencies of humans accentuated by the marriage of convenience.
Ahh, I guess I'll just trail off here on this topic, ending off with a prayer someone once sent to me -
'Father, I pray for minhai, thank you Lord for all that you've given him. Pray that you empower him this day. May he be a continual blessing to others thro his work, thro his gift of caring for others. specially want to ask that you free him from feelings of guilt when he cannot please man, may he fix his eyes on you alone. god, take away disappointment, exasperation he might have. Fill him with e fruits of the spirit. Lead him on so he can follow, lead him on so he won't stumble. Please do not let go of him and help him to grow in your word. Amen.'
-----
And I recall this convo with stelly many weeks ago, when we were randomly talking about choosing a partner outside church. I know my mum prefers me to get a girlfriend outside church but I was evaluating the pros and cons with stelly and concluded that it comes together with many downsides.
The major problem is that if my partner is not from this church, she'll take a lifetime to understand the impacts of my formative years in this church. I mean, I can't explain to her in words alone, nor in such a short time, why the person sitting at the random corner in the sanctuary whom I don't even speak a word to on Sundays can be one of my closest friend, while someone whom I'm hanging around a lot may not be someone who's even of a certain closeness. Yes, no doubt I can introduce who's who and give a brief information on how this person is related to me but she won't be able to comprehend how come this particular person can affect me so much, or how come this person can take so much weight in influencing my decisions. The whole baggage associated with the various people is seriously too great to even explain. It would be unfair to my partner to be expected to remember or vaguely understand who is who and why my friendship with them is so.
Ohwells, random things that popped into mind, amidst a whole chunk lot of things too wordy to condense into one entry for now..
Indeed, I do admit that life has never been this great - to relax, spending time with myself and loved ones, doing things that I like yet still have a job and income. Yet on the other hand, I really am tired. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually - in all sense of the word tired, less the physical weariness connotations ironically.
It's just been a little too much of an emotional and spiritual rollercoaster ride and struggling within me, to deal with the various developments in church. For all who know me well enough, I'm someone without any close school friends, putting church matters above all else, spending time and effort thinking of how to pull the class together and get everyone, including myself, back on track. Hence, my total lack of any close friends outside church. Some may aspire to become like me, but I sure do envy those who are close to their school friends. After all, it makes the weekdays pass so much easier and quicker.
And then I told myself that 2009 will be a year that I'll change my focus - taking my mind off the class and focusing on other things. Inevitably, that led to a shift in attitude towards a more non-chalent and dispensible view in matters regarding the class. And perhaps this made me understand some people better. Still, it sucks when people suddenly see the value in the class when I start to decide to pull myself away a little bit. And after being thrown into the limelight years ago and being stuck in there for so many years now, people form this impression of you - an infallable, firm stronghold who would always be there to take the lead if any needs it. But of course, church has always had a dear place in my heart and I'm more than willing to immerse myself in its arms. But people start to then form this impression of you - an unreachable milestone that's even crazy to think about. That's when everything starts to go wrong. When you try to set an example, to do the right thing even when the time is so tight and the situations are just so temptingly rebellious, yet you think of your church friends and you just want to persevere in the Lord together with them, and you are so glad when you manage to stick through it 'cos you know you have not let your friends down, you realise that people begin to shrug off your efforts in a simple phrase 'oh, it's minhai what.' And you devastatingly plummet into that black hole of 'what-have-I-done-wrongly' and 'I-should-have-known-better'. But then you try to kick yourself out of it 'cos you know it's not supposed to be that way.
As someone once said, we're like the 不倒翁; sometimes we are hurt and beaten down so badly that we just stay down there for a longer while before bouncing back up again. As for me, I guess sometimes I willingly plunge down on my own accord without any external stress simply because I'm afraid and unwilling to take another blow. And so I choose to remain down there for some time. It's this sort of down-time that allows me to recharge, to rest such that I can go a longer distance.
Yet, the irritating albeit heart-warming thing is this: the moment you just started having your downtime, suddenly people flood into your world to show their concern. Yes, I guess the old adage of 'A friend in need is a friend indeed' is pretty true and it's through tough times that you get to see others' concern and help towards you. But at times, you just wonder, really wonder, whether people feel the absence 'cos of who you are, or they feel the absence of someone to lead such that they can simply follow. And then you suddenly feel that pang of guilt 'cos you realise that all your friends truly care about you and notice you, but it's also then that you think to yourself - would I be more guilty if I just disappeared for once without any advance warning, or if I gave a week's notice that I'll be attending to some other [seemingly] valid matters (or excuse?). And therein lies the irony of it all - the inconsistencies of humans accentuated by the marriage of convenience.
Ahh, I guess I'll just trail off here on this topic, ending off with a prayer someone once sent to me -
'Father, I pray for minhai, thank you Lord for all that you've given him. Pray that you empower him this day. May he be a continual blessing to others thro his work, thro his gift of caring for others. specially want to ask that you free him from feelings of guilt when he cannot please man, may he fix his eyes on you alone. god, take away disappointment, exasperation he might have. Fill him with e fruits of the spirit. Lead him on so he can follow, lead him on so he won't stumble. Please do not let go of him and help him to grow in your word. Amen.'
-----
And I recall this convo with stelly many weeks ago, when we were randomly talking about choosing a partner outside church. I know my mum prefers me to get a girlfriend outside church but I was evaluating the pros and cons with stelly and concluded that it comes together with many downsides.
The major problem is that if my partner is not from this church, she'll take a lifetime to understand the impacts of my formative years in this church. I mean, I can't explain to her in words alone, nor in such a short time, why the person sitting at the random corner in the sanctuary whom I don't even speak a word to on Sundays can be one of my closest friend, while someone whom I'm hanging around a lot may not be someone who's even of a certain closeness. Yes, no doubt I can introduce who's who and give a brief information on how this person is related to me but she won't be able to comprehend how come this particular person can affect me so much, or how come this person can take so much weight in influencing my decisions. The whole baggage associated with the various people is seriously too great to even explain. It would be unfair to my partner to be expected to remember or vaguely understand who is who and why my friendship with them is so.
Ohwells, random things that popped into mind, amidst a whole chunk lot of things too wordy to condense into one entry for now..
23:24; The Pianist'
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Inexplicable all-consuming fear
And it's been a super long time since I last had it. Don't ever remember having felt this way. And I can't even put a finger on the last time I had a panic attack anywhere near this sorta feeling.
The inexplicable, all-conusming fear akin to a blackhole - simply engulfing and over-powering everything else. I tried to shake myself out of it, yet it was buta temporary relief, sinking back into that paralysing fear moments later.
And yes, I may have put it aside for now, but I know it's still at the back of my mind, just swept under the surface of my heart. It's almost like some form of escapism and not facing up to everything.
It's funny to see the kinds of emotions your closest friends can put you through, yet successfully, in ensuing moments, reassuring you that they accept you just for who you are and will always be the case.
The inexplicable, all-conusming fear akin to a blackhole - simply engulfing and over-powering everything else. I tried to shake myself out of it, yet it was buta temporary relief, sinking back into that paralysing fear moments later.
And yes, I may have put it aside for now, but I know it's still at the back of my mind, just swept under the surface of my heart. It's almost like some form of escapism and not facing up to everything.
It's funny to see the kinds of emotions your closest friends can put you through, yet successfully, in ensuing moments, reassuring you that they accept you just for who you are and will always be the case.
22:15; The Pianist'
Thursday, 12 February 2009
A New Dawn
As V-day draws near, I find myself in the romantic mood once again. Was out at night on monday and was inspired by the bright full moon. Hence, this poem dedicated to all lovers out there.
A New Dawn
As I lift my eyes to the moon,
I see a new dawn breaking -
As sure as the monsoon;
A new weather in the making.
The hope for a season like Spring,
Or is it something like Winter?
The yearning for all things fine bring,
Or would it be better if storms banter? -
Replete with fun and humour and mirth,
Ornate with pain and sorrow and girth.
Extrapolate the sun against the rain,
Lamentations of Spring in the cold,
Manifestations of such juxtapositions -
Oh, the beauty that exudes therein!
Love, the irony that comes within,
Or the unbecomings and irrationalities,
Verily, verily, it overturns the
Expectations, of a new dawn.
A New Dawn
As I lift my eyes to the moon,
I see a new dawn breaking -
As sure as the monsoon;
A new weather in the making.
The hope for a season like Spring,
Or is it something like Winter?
The yearning for all things fine bring,
Or would it be better if storms banter? -
Replete with fun and humour and mirth,
Ornate with pain and sorrow and girth.
Extrapolate the sun against the rain,
Lamentations of Spring in the cold,
Manifestations of such juxtapositions -
Oh, the beauty that exudes therein!
Love, the irony that comes within,
Or the unbecomings and irrationalities,
Verily, verily, it overturns the
Expectations, of a new dawn.
21:22; The Pianist'
Wednesday, 11 February 2009
Canele with songyang and alison!
Ahh and it was a great time spent with songyang and alison today. A very much treasured night spent.
Foodcourt first for dinner, then off to canele at paragon for desserts! MANNN. Been a long time since such indulgence in fine food and good stuff, coupled with great friends and interesting conversation.
Haha indeed, I myself am amazed at how the 3 of us can just hang out together. And our topics have interestingly jumped from ourselves, expectations and goals, to our class people and possible plans, future developments for our class, and the best one, being vain and pampering ourselves! GOSH! I'll never forget today man. Thanks mannn =) Shopping shopping one day ;)
Foodcourt first for dinner, then off to canele at paragon for desserts! MANNN. Been a long time since such indulgence in fine food and good stuff, coupled with great friends and interesting conversation.
Haha indeed, I myself am amazed at how the 3 of us can just hang out together. And our topics have interestingly jumped from ourselves, expectations and goals, to our class people and possible plans, future developments for our class, and the best one, being vain and pampering ourselves! GOSH! I'll never forget today man. Thanks mannn =) Shopping shopping one day ;)
01:33; The Pianist'
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
爱，因为抓不住
最近刚开始读作者刘墉写情系列的第十三本书《爱，因为抓不住》。或许是因为在去年读了李牧童的《是怕寂寞，还是爱我》，引起我对散文籍的兴趣。在我们日常生活中，大家总为生活忙忙碌碌，赶功课，赶作业，赶工作，把自己累坏了，哪有闲情放慢脚步，把周遭的实际情况加以思考，反复咀嚼呢？
容许我再次挑战大家，让生活中的一些趣味故事来激发你的思考，让日常生活中看似不起眼的细节触动你的脑神经，从这些所谓琐碎的事情来‘找一些生活哲学、找人生态度、找生命的意义’。
今天读了八十多页，有很多观点使我反复思考其中的道理；过后也有一股冲动要告诉每一个我认识的人。当然，理智清醒些后，就决定写进网上日记。
《爱，因为抓不住》 刘墉。著
知道说NO的人，才有资格说YES；知道不等的人，才有等的资格。
只知道等的人永远是输家，因为人生不会等，等的终点是死亡。
-----
一位老同事，全家移民加拿大，这两年，孩子都飞了，老同事有一个人应聘回台湾，在外商公司工作。
“我们夫妻很妙！总打电话。”老同事对我说：“电话结尾，一定问同样的话‘身体好吗？’而且不等对方说好不好，立刻就加一句‘自己多保重。’”
“如果不好，怎么办？”我问。
“多保重啊！她一个人在加拿大，我也一个人在台湾，既然一时不能团聚，有个那么远，我不好，她不好，除了瞎操心，能怎么办？”老同学摊摊手：“不是不爱，是没办法爱！”
-----
“我的丈夫听我话，但是不够爱我。”一个朋友的太太抱怨。
“听话不是就表现了爱吗？”我问。
“不！听话是听话。听话是当我叫他关窗，他立刻就去关；叫他倒垃圾，他立刻就去倒。但那都是被动，他没有主动来爱我。”
她的丈夫在旁边笑了：“话都被妳说光了，时间都被妳用完了，爱都被你占满了，我哪还有空间去爱？”又强调了一句：“我时常正要主动表现一下，妳已经先开口，命令我做了！”
-----
爱，多有意思！我常想，人人会爱，连个两岁的孩子，刚学说话，就懂得讲爱。问题是每个人心中的爱是不是一样呢？会不会像看颜色，同样的色彩，有的人视觉精神敏锐，看在眼里强烈；有的人视力弱，感觉上就平淡。它会不会像皮肤的触感，一样的轻重，有人觉得痒，有些人又觉得痛？
我也想，女儿不帮我抬东西，儿子不扶奶奶下车，会不会在他们眼里，我是超人老爸，奶奶是‘超人祖母’？
他们没被教导付出爱，不知道应该把爱变成行动，可能直到有一天，发现那‘超人’变成‘凡人’，向他们伸手求救，才会突然醒悟。
我也想，许多人看到苦难，冷冷地，不去帮忙，其实不是他们没有关心、没有爱，而是由于他们太弱，知道自己拿不出什么。
我那朋友的话多有意思啊 - “爱都被妳占满了，我哪还有空间去爱？”
-----
爱像果汁粉，生活是清水。只要调配适当，都能冲出一大瓶爱的果汁。
只是有些人虽然放了很多果汁粉，却倒了太满的水，盖上瓶盖，怎么摇，爱都不能溶化。
于是在喝了一杯又一杯淡而无味的‘薄果汁’之后。宾客将散，人将老，甚至爱人已先一步离开，才发觉瓶底还有那么多未溶解的浓浓的爱。
容许我再次挑战大家，让生活中的一些趣味故事来激发你的思考，让日常生活中看似不起眼的细节触动你的脑神经，从这些所谓琐碎的事情来‘找一些生活哲学、找人生态度、找生命的意义’。
今天读了八十多页，有很多观点使我反复思考其中的道理；过后也有一股冲动要告诉每一个我认识的人。当然，理智清醒些后，就决定写进网上日记。
《爱，因为抓不住》 刘墉。著
知道说NO的人，才有资格说YES；知道不等的人，才有等的资格。
只知道等的人永远是输家，因为人生不会等，等的终点是死亡。
-----
一位老同事，全家移民加拿大，这两年，孩子都飞了，老同事有一个人应聘回台湾，在外商公司工作。
“我们夫妻很妙！总打电话。”老同事对我说：“电话结尾，一定问同样的话‘身体好吗？’而且不等对方说好不好，立刻就加一句‘自己多保重。’”
“如果不好，怎么办？”我问。
“多保重啊！她一个人在加拿大，我也一个人在台湾，既然一时不能团聚，有个那么远，我不好，她不好，除了瞎操心，能怎么办？”老同学摊摊手：“不是不爱，是没办法爱！”
-----
“我的丈夫听我话，但是不够爱我。”一个朋友的太太抱怨。
“听话不是就表现了爱吗？”我问。
“不！听话是听话。听话是当我叫他关窗，他立刻就去关；叫他倒垃圾，他立刻就去倒。但那都是被动，他没有主动来爱我。”
她的丈夫在旁边笑了：“话都被妳说光了，时间都被妳用完了，爱都被你占满了，我哪还有空间去爱？”又强调了一句：“我时常正要主动表现一下，妳已经先开口，命令我做了！”
-----
爱，多有意思！我常想，人人会爱，连个两岁的孩子，刚学说话，就懂得讲爱。问题是每个人心中的爱是不是一样呢？会不会像看颜色，同样的色彩，有的人视觉精神敏锐，看在眼里强烈；有的人视力弱，感觉上就平淡。它会不会像皮肤的触感，一样的轻重，有人觉得痒，有些人又觉得痛？
我也想，女儿不帮我抬东西，儿子不扶奶奶下车，会不会在他们眼里，我是超人老爸，奶奶是‘超人祖母’？
他们没被教导付出爱，不知道应该把爱变成行动，可能直到有一天，发现那‘超人’变成‘凡人’，向他们伸手求救，才会突然醒悟。
我也想，许多人看到苦难，冷冷地，不去帮忙，其实不是他们没有关心、没有爱，而是由于他们太弱，知道自己拿不出什么。
我那朋友的话多有意思啊 - “爱都被妳占满了，我哪还有空间去爱？”
-----
爱像果汁粉，生活是清水。只要调配适当，都能冲出一大瓶爱的果汁。
只是有些人虽然放了很多果汁粉，却倒了太满的水，盖上瓶盖，怎么摇，爱都不能溶化。
于是在喝了一杯又一杯淡而无味的‘薄果汁’之后。宾客将散，人将老，甚至爱人已先一步离开，才发觉瓶底还有那么多未溶解的浓浓的爱。
00:23; The Pianist'
Monday, 9 February 2009
It is well with my soul
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever what my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever what my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
22:16; The Pianist'
Raw nerves
Urgh. And I realise I do have that many raw nerves. Still left so unopen and uninsulated. And there's a certain truth to the statement that it's those who you love so deep that eventually hurt you the deepest.
Oh God, please help me with this, seriously. You put these people in my life, these people so dear yet so great in affecting me. URGH.
Oh God, please help me with this, seriously. You put these people in my life, these people so dear yet so great in affecting me. URGH.
01:06; The Pianist'
scary feeling
That immense and intense feeling... indeed scary. I don't even know how to describe it. Angsty anger? Sheer frustration? Ah heck.
But it was scary 'cos for the very few times in my life I actually felt so violent. Just so so so violent I could have sworn I would have banged on my keyboard and screamed at the top of my voice. URGH.
And this feeling sucks. And I know it's bad - seriously one of the few few times I've been this near to anger. Sheer anger.
But it was scary 'cos for the very few times in my life I actually felt so violent. Just so so so violent I could have sworn I would have banged on my keyboard and screamed at the top of my voice. URGH.
And this feeling sucks. And I know it's bad - seriously one of the few few times I've been this near to anger. Sheer anger.
01:02; The Pianist'
Saturday, 7 February 2009
keeping things open and honest
I guess one thing that I've come to appreciate is how I like to keep my relationships with people open and honest. Never liked beating around the bush; it gets tiring just going in circles.
And with all my closest friends, I always manage to keep it this way somehow - open, direct, frank and honest. And I'm glad it's both ways. =)
Just a day ago, I was thinking of keeping it all to myself, guessing that it's no use pouring everything out, only to affect the other person, contemplating to just let it all settle and blow over somehow, hoping that things will get better that way. Still, me being me, that side of me simply took control - that side of me which hates keeping things from those I love so dearly. And so it started, treading on uneven ground, gingerly tiptoeing lest I ruin something precious, and it reached that uncertain terrain, the insecure sinking sand. And even as I open my mouth to speak each sentence, I already was regretting even before the first words came out. It was like stepping on clouds - so fleeting and unsolid. And there it goes, the plunge through the mass of raindrops as my heart went to my mouth.
But, I'm glad I took that plunge. Made me see things in a different light. Used to like keeping myself on top of things, to have a grasp of the future somewhat, keeping myself above the clouds to see what's there beyond the sky, the plausible occurences light years away. And then now I find myself falling through this false sense of security, and my dreams disappear in a poof, like clouds so fluffily tangible, yet similarly so fluffily ungraspable. The plunge down to earth was scary, was unnerving, was distraughting. Yet, it was a necessary evil. A process so inhumane yet requisite.
And when I find myself standing firmly on the earth and looking up, my view of light years beyond are obscured by the clouds, clouded by that many uncertainties and insecurities. But, isn't that how life is supposed to be? Who's to say that things light years beyond are in a certain manner, fashioned in a particular way? Even things just a metre above the clouds are now remote and inconspicuous.
So what if I can no longer put my finger on things so far away; so what if I no longer be certain about things yet to come; so what if I'm insecure about things I have no control over? At least, now I'm standing firmly on the ground, and I'm guaranteed of my view up to the clouds, with the assurance of knowing full well what the clouds are made of.
And I know I'll always still be fortunate enough to have the company of my close loved ones. It's a growing up process where I mature and learn more about myself, discover the traits of others, undergo changes myself, see how I influence people, and most importantly, to be able to walk through it all with these people I so adore.
And through it all, at the end of the day, it's just that which matters isn't it?
And with all my closest friends, I always manage to keep it this way somehow - open, direct, frank and honest. And I'm glad it's both ways. =)
Just a day ago, I was thinking of keeping it all to myself, guessing that it's no use pouring everything out, only to affect the other person, contemplating to just let it all settle and blow over somehow, hoping that things will get better that way. Still, me being me, that side of me simply took control - that side of me which hates keeping things from those I love so dearly. And so it started, treading on uneven ground, gingerly tiptoeing lest I ruin something precious, and it reached that uncertain terrain, the insecure sinking sand. And even as I open my mouth to speak each sentence, I already was regretting even before the first words came out. It was like stepping on clouds - so fleeting and unsolid. And there it goes, the plunge through the mass of raindrops as my heart went to my mouth.
But, I'm glad I took that plunge. Made me see things in a different light. Used to like keeping myself on top of things, to have a grasp of the future somewhat, keeping myself above the clouds to see what's there beyond the sky, the plausible occurences light years away. And then now I find myself falling through this false sense of security, and my dreams disappear in a poof, like clouds so fluffily tangible, yet similarly so fluffily ungraspable. The plunge down to earth was scary, was unnerving, was distraughting. Yet, it was a necessary evil. A process so inhumane yet requisite.
And when I find myself standing firmly on the earth and looking up, my view of light years beyond are obscured by the clouds, clouded by that many uncertainties and insecurities. But, isn't that how life is supposed to be? Who's to say that things light years beyond are in a certain manner, fashioned in a particular way? Even things just a metre above the clouds are now remote and inconspicuous.
So what if I can no longer put my finger on things so far away; so what if I no longer be certain about things yet to come; so what if I'm insecure about things I have no control over? At least, now I'm standing firmly on the ground, and I'm guaranteed of my view up to the clouds, with the assurance of knowing full well what the clouds are made of.
And I know I'll always still be fortunate enough to have the company of my close loved ones. It's a growing up process where I mature and learn more about myself, discover the traits of others, undergo changes myself, see how I influence people, and most importantly, to be able to walk through it all with these people I so adore.
And through it all, at the end of the day, it's just that which matters isn't it?
00:55; The Pianist'
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Life and Death
With the recent festive mood littered with news of people's deaths and friends attending wakes, it was inevitable that the issue popped into my mind as I was running just now.
Indeed, in life, perhaps the only guarantee is the final ending of death. It's the only thing that all people, be it sectarian, secular or atheist, know and cannot deny. Since ancient times, many have sought the path to immortality but failed, while some others made sure their death was a glorious and pompous affair. And as for the common folk, the only thing people seem to be trying to do is to delay the onset of death as far as possible. Yet, everyone of us know how the end would be. Perhaps the three phrases on a badge which Songyang bought when we were out one day sum up most aptly: Eat healthy, Live healthy, Die anyway.
So when you live your life, what do you make out of it? Or rather, what would determine how you lead your life? For the religious, their faith carves out a general guide they should follow - Christians try their best to lead a Christ-like life, bearing in mind the judgement one faces following death; Buddhists go by the maxim of accumulating good deeds, meditating on incantations, hoping that they would do sufficient to attain immortality in their next life. And as for atheists or non-believers, they go by their own personal code of morals and life goals, pursuing riches, fame, family stability or other achievements they may set out to fulfil.
Indeed, if I weren't a Christian, my life would have been led rather differently. If I had believed there isn't life after death, if there isn't anyth after death for that matter, if by the onset of death, one's life would go out just like a candle flame, things I'd pursue in my life on earth would be vastly different from my focus now. Indeed, pursuing riches and fame would be top on the list, having a stable income and family ties next, not forgetting fulfilling my desires and simply enjoying myself in every way possible.
I think I've lost my focus of this blog-post. But anyway, I remember this one anecdote that I wanted to share. Once, when I was in camp having one of those late night talk cock sessions with kaihim, kokhou, kevin and jingyuan, jingyuan shared with us his theory that everything leads to sex. Well, the theory ain't as crude/lewd as it sounds. Basically it follows something along the line of survival of the fittest and natural selection.
Why do we exercise, hit the gym, build up our body, and have the tendency to be vain at times? It's so that we would look good. And why would we want to look good? It's so that we would be more attractive to the opposite sex, such that we have a better chance in attracting a so-called 'better' partner.
Why do we work so tirelessly, to strive to climb up the ladder in our jobs? It's so that we would gain a better reputation and have higher financial capabilities. And why would we want that? It's so that we gain more respect from people and we lead a more comfortable life, thereby looking more attractive to the opposite sex, such that we have a better chance in attracting a so-called 'better' partner.
Of course, the 4 of us didn't really agree with Jingyuan about it but eventually the 5 of us came to some sort of an understanding and compromise, that most of the things in life, be it consciously or subconsciously, is very much driven by that primal instinct of procreation. Or rather, things can be linked to that if we really wanted to.
Oh well, to be rather frank, I wasn't the least bit surprised when we came to that conclusion. After all, God's command to Adam and Eve in the Garden Of Eden was to 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.' [Genesis 1:28] Okay, I know I'm pushing it a little here but I think I made my point right - that it's instinctual to procreate. Ahhh okay reminds me of a quote from the latest Jack Neo's movie 'Love Matters' - the gods made man lusty so that mankind would continue to procreate. Haha alright, I would agree that strictly religious people would take offense at that ostensible blasphemy, but still, I thought Neo made a basic observation of Man's primal instincts and fashioned it in a tongue-in-cheek expression.
Alright, as I said halfway through my post, I lost the focus of my original intentions. Apologies if it seems a little diffused and diluted.
Indeed, in life, perhaps the only guarantee is the final ending of death. It's the only thing that all people, be it sectarian, secular or atheist, know and cannot deny. Since ancient times, many have sought the path to immortality but failed, while some others made sure their death was a glorious and pompous affair. And as for the common folk, the only thing people seem to be trying to do is to delay the onset of death as far as possible. Yet, everyone of us know how the end would be. Perhaps the three phrases on a badge which Songyang bought when we were out one day sum up most aptly: Eat healthy, Live healthy, Die anyway.
So when you live your life, what do you make out of it? Or rather, what would determine how you lead your life? For the religious, their faith carves out a general guide they should follow - Christians try their best to lead a Christ-like life, bearing in mind the judgement one faces following death; Buddhists go by the maxim of accumulating good deeds, meditating on incantations, hoping that they would do sufficient to attain immortality in their next life. And as for atheists or non-believers, they go by their own personal code of morals and life goals, pursuing riches, fame, family stability or other achievements they may set out to fulfil.
Indeed, if I weren't a Christian, my life would have been led rather differently. If I had believed there isn't life after death, if there isn't anyth after death for that matter, if by the onset of death, one's life would go out just like a candle flame, things I'd pursue in my life on earth would be vastly different from my focus now. Indeed, pursuing riches and fame would be top on the list, having a stable income and family ties next, not forgetting fulfilling my desires and simply enjoying myself in every way possible.
I think I've lost my focus of this blog-post. But anyway, I remember this one anecdote that I wanted to share. Once, when I was in camp having one of those late night talk cock sessions with kaihim, kokhou, kevin and jingyuan, jingyuan shared with us his theory that everything leads to sex. Well, the theory ain't as crude/lewd as it sounds. Basically it follows something along the line of survival of the fittest and natural selection.
Why do we exercise, hit the gym, build up our body, and have the tendency to be vain at times? It's so that we would look good. And why would we want to look good? It's so that we would be more attractive to the opposite sex, such that we have a better chance in attracting a so-called 'better' partner.
Why do we work so tirelessly, to strive to climb up the ladder in our jobs? It's so that we would gain a better reputation and have higher financial capabilities. And why would we want that? It's so that we gain more respect from people and we lead a more comfortable life, thereby looking more attractive to the opposite sex, such that we have a better chance in attracting a so-called 'better' partner.
Of course, the 4 of us didn't really agree with Jingyuan about it but eventually the 5 of us came to some sort of an understanding and compromise, that most of the things in life, be it consciously or subconsciously, is very much driven by that primal instinct of procreation. Or rather, things can be linked to that if we really wanted to.
Oh well, to be rather frank, I wasn't the least bit surprised when we came to that conclusion. After all, God's command to Adam and Eve in the Garden Of Eden was to 'Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.' [Genesis 1:28] Okay, I know I'm pushing it a little here but I think I made my point right - that it's instinctual to procreate. Ahhh okay reminds me of a quote from the latest Jack Neo's movie 'Love Matters' - the gods made man lusty so that mankind would continue to procreate. Haha alright, I would agree that strictly religious people would take offense at that ostensible blasphemy, but still, I thought Neo made a basic observation of Man's primal instincts and fashioned it in a tongue-in-cheek expression.
Alright, as I said halfway through my post, I lost the focus of my original intentions. Apologies if it seems a little diffused and diluted.
21:32; The Pianist'
thePIANIST;
~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano
theLOVE;
violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love
theWISH;
personalised room
keyboard
games
books
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson
theCHATTERBOX;
theESCAPES;
| 05S70 | Alfred | Andy Ng | Andy Paul Chen | Ben Teo | Ben Tan | Cheng Leng | Cherie | Chong Chen | Duo Jie | Eddie | Guan Han | Jeremy | Jun Hao | Kok Hong | Min Jie | Qu Kui | Samuel | Sean Leong | Shao Kai | Xin-ying | Xing Yan | Xun Yu | Yao Zhong | Yi Cheng | Ying Xia | Yu Shu | Zhi Yu |
~`church
| Adeline |
Grace Heah |
Grace Yam |
GUM |
iloveegg:) |
Isaac Lim |
Jeremy |
Jiaming |
Kenneth |
Quan Yong |
Sharon |
Solomon Knights =) |
Wenqi |
Xuemin |
Yineng |
Yingshan |
Yingshin |
ZhengYang |
~`others
| Brandon |
Choon Heng |
Isaac |
Jensen |
Jing Yuan |
Kai Him |
Kai Siang |
Lawrence |
Yoke Beng |
Zhi Xin |
theHISTORY;
theCREDITS;
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