thePIANIST

Friday, 10 October 2008

Crisis

I hate when I have a personal crisis. They always come at the wrong time - possibly the worst possible moments.

I guess there'll never be a time appropriate for such crises to come, but still, you just cant't help but wish it came at some other time.

My self-destructing tendencies are acting up again. Nahh, nothing new. But the scary part is I don't really care. Nor mind, for that matter. I ain't telling anyone about it, ain't doing no nothing about it. Just keeping it to myself and letting those self-destructive juices flow through me.

And I'm not the one suffering. I mean, it renders me dysfunctional somewhat but I have to say it gives me some pleasure and kick out of it. Hey, that's why it's a crisis yeah? So looks like those around me have got to suffer.

Of course, at the end of the day it's me who's gonna handle the consequences, me who gonna deal with the withdrawal symptoms. But seriously, at the crux of it all, do I really care..?

And personal crises, for me, usually ties in nicely with religion. Somewhat. Related I guess. People have always asked me who come I can be so staunch with my religion. And at such times, you really ask yourself why you bother that much about something which causes you pain. But of course deep down in my heart, I do know full well that after each crisis, there'll be a breakthrough and then a renewal. That's how I grow up.

The thing is, will I get back onto the right track this time..?

I've always envied those who just go out there and do all the wrong stuff and after that whole process of wrong turns and mistakes, comes back and see the light.

I've also always envied those who just walked out of their religions to see how life would be without it, and then coming back to realise that it indeed is the truth.

Then I've also always wanted to be like that - just walk out of everything and maybe even just for that few months or years, live a life like never before.

Then, there's always that nagging question in my mind - what if Jesus decides to come again during those few months or years...?

Maybe I'm not "man enough" to try it, to risk it.

But seriously, sometimes I really wonder...

I know I have to stop screwing my own life. But heck, call me a hormones-raging teenager. Ok not teen anymore; adolescent, or young adult.

And there you have it - a sheltered little kid wants to break out of his hermit and plunge into the world without considerations for everything else.

Yeah right.

18:42; The Pianist'

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