thePIANIST

Friday, 7 November 2008

Re-thinking after dad's sharing

And I have been pretty upbeat the past few weeks - accomplishing myself with exercise and packing stuff. But then it struck me so starkly just now: maybe subconsciously I'm just trying to fill some kind of void.

And it all started off when my dad started talking just now. I mean, it was really nice to have the whole family including my sis-in-law sit down at the dinner table and just talk over fruits and snacks. It was light hearted and I always treasure such moments.

And then my dad suddenly felt like talking about his life story [kind-of] and the heartaches and simple pleasures in life, amidst other stuff that he's been thinking and all. It was nice to hear stuff from him as always, since we don't really get such chances. But, it just got me thinking and yeahh, that's when my life suddenly caved in. Internally in that confined spaces of the subconscious. Or is it unconscious? Whatever.

The thing that got me thinking was about planning even when young, especially when we tend to just work and chiong and not give much thought to life. I mean, at 20+ when you just started on your career, who actually thinks about retirement? And that was exactly what my dad cautioned us against.

Then he talked about how glad he was to have had children when he was only 20+, such that by his age now, the four of us are pretty grown up and matured enough to understand about life and the importance of working hard in our studies and all. He was contrasting it with the others his age who had kids still in secsch or prisch and have to worry about their future. I mean, both my brothers don't really depend that much on my dad anymore, and as for my sis and I, it's just a few more years of financial dependence and he don't have to worry that much. So much so that he can think of retiring and enjoying life.

Comparing to those 50+ yrs old and still have to worry about their kids, O levels, worrying about their future if results ain't that fantastic etc etc etc.

So that got me started. I've always wanted to get married in late twenties, and have my first kid by 30. Not that bad a plan, I guess. Not a bad one until I think of the whole process of getting a suitable spouse, which stems from getting a giflfriend. So I jokingly told my dad, so the moral of the story is to either hurry up get a gf and then get married early and then give birth, or just not get married. And he actually said yah, if not shldn't get married 'cos you may actually be harming the other party. Then I realised, whatever I commented previously, may not have been entirely said in jest. Conscious effort to interject with a lame comment, but subconsciously I figured that may actually have been how I wanted my life to be.

Yea I planned my marriage age, when I want my first kid, how many kids I want, the names of the kids. And people have always said I'm a family man, which I know I pretty much am. People can imagine me as a father, an uncle in the family, and I have to admit I do know whre they are coming from.

But it just struck me so hard just now. Is that really what I want? Do I yearn to settle down with family that much?

Then I answered myself, maybe it's just part of the normal acceptable social norm thing which fed my craving to have a family. I guess, maybe I'll just end up without a proper family.

---

Then my father raised the issue of the whole family being together, and that he and my mum take more of a passive role in our lives now that we are much more grown up. So a lot of times he leaves us to handle our own things, trust us to know what's the right thing to do and work hard in our studies and all. And when we have issues or stuff we wanna talk about then we can just approach them about it. Yeahh that's been pretty much how things have been. My parents are really nice about it, not putting a step too much into our lives, more than accommodating to our choices and all. I have to say I really love them. Indeed.

But even though they say that as a family, we'll always be there to support and help out no matter what, but some stuff you just don't really voice out to your parents that easily isn't it? There's the hesitation and worry and all.

I mean, you don't exactly walk up to your parents and tell them 'hey dad, I'm pregnant' or 'hey dad, I got someone pregnant'. Of course that's not the case for me but some stuff ain't that simple to handle, especially in the asian context where the whole chinese culture and background thing plays such a big part. You just don't go up to your dad and say 'hey I think I want a change of religion', or say 'hey dad, you know, I've really got a big prob with pornography', nor do you walk into their room and say 'hey dad and mum, as much as I love you, but you know I'm seeing this really wonderful woman who's only 20 years older than me...' Yeah you get the idea.

Of course even with that, as much as you are afraid for your parents to find out, you still do hope that they'll somehow get a hint of it and then ask you about it first so it spares you the agony of breaking the news? Like hoping they'll notice your frequent mysterious conversations over the phone, checking up of doctors and abortions, frequenting the buddhist temple down the road, or stumbling upon your history of artistic websites visited, or having a lady send you home for the past few weeks.

Don't ask me why, but this popped into my mind when I was showering.

---

So there goes. I really don't wanna plan. Don't wanna make decisions. And I've been running away from making decisions lately. From the most simple ones like deciding when and where to meet for meals, to bigger things like deciding certain things. If you look closely enough you'll get what I mean.

That same old feeling of hating to decide. Of afraid to face up to the consequences of my wrong decisions and actions.

And who knows when's the next wrong step, when's the next checkmate?

00:38; The Pianist'

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