thePIANIST

Saturday, 21 February 2009

Random Rant

Recently there've been lotsa people asking me how my life has been of late. And they do not fail to be invariably astounded by my ostensibly half-joking reply of tired.

Indeed, I do admit that life has never been this great - to relax, spending time with myself and loved ones, doing things that I like yet still have a job and income. Yet on the other hand, I really am tired. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually - in all sense of the word tired, less the physical weariness connotations ironically.

It's just been a little too much of an emotional and spiritual rollercoaster ride and struggling within me, to deal with the various developments in church. For all who know me well enough, I'm someone without any close school friends, putting church matters above all else, spending time and effort thinking of how to pull the class together and get everyone, including myself, back on track. Hence, my total lack of any close friends outside church. Some may aspire to become like me, but I sure do envy those who are close to their school friends. After all, it makes the weekdays pass so much easier and quicker.

And then I told myself that 2009 will be a year that I'll change my focus - taking my mind off the class and focusing on other things. Inevitably, that led to a shift in attitude towards a more non-chalent and dispensible view in matters regarding the class. And perhaps this made me understand some people better. Still, it sucks when people suddenly see the value in the class when I start to decide to pull myself away a little bit. And after being thrown into the limelight years ago and being stuck in there for so many years now, people form this impression of you - an infallable, firm stronghold who would always be there to take the lead if any needs it. But of course, church has always had a dear place in my heart and I'm more than willing to immerse myself in its arms. But people start to then form this impression of you - an unreachable milestone that's even crazy to think about. That's when everything starts to go wrong. When you try to set an example, to do the right thing even when the time is so tight and the situations are just so temptingly rebellious, yet you think of your church friends and you just want to persevere in the Lord together with them, and you are so glad when you manage to stick through it 'cos you know you have not let your friends down, you realise that people begin to shrug off your efforts in a simple phrase 'oh, it's minhai what.' And you devastatingly plummet into that black hole of 'what-have-I-done-wrongly' and 'I-should-have-known-better'. But then you try to kick yourself out of it 'cos you know it's not supposed to be that way.

As someone once said, we're like the 不倒翁; sometimes we are hurt and beaten down so badly that we just stay down there for a longer while before bouncing back up again. As for me, I guess sometimes I willingly plunge down on my own accord without any external stress simply because I'm afraid and unwilling to take another blow. And so I choose to remain down there for some time. It's this sort of down-time that allows me to recharge, to rest such that I can go a longer distance.

Yet, the irritating albeit heart-warming thing is this: the moment you just started having your downtime, suddenly people flood into your world to show their concern. Yes, I guess the old adage of 'A friend in need is a friend indeed' is pretty true and it's through tough times that you get to see others' concern and help towards you. But at times, you just wonder, really wonder, whether people feel the absence 'cos of who you are, or they feel the absence of someone to lead such that they can simply follow. And then you suddenly feel that pang of guilt 'cos you realise that all your friends truly care about you and notice you, but it's also then that you think to yourself - would I be more guilty if I just disappeared for once without any advance warning, or if I gave a week's notice that I'll be attending to some other [seemingly] valid matters (or excuse?). And therein lies the irony of it all - the inconsistencies of humans accentuated by the marriage of convenience.

Ahh, I guess I'll just trail off here on this topic, ending off with a prayer someone once sent to me -
'Father, I pray for minhai, thank you Lord for all that you've given him. Pray that you empower him this day. May he be a continual blessing to others thro his work, thro his gift of caring for others. specially want to ask that you free him from feelings of guilt when he cannot please man, may he fix his eyes on you alone. god, take away disappointment, exasperation he might have. Fill him with e fruits of the spirit. Lead him on so he can follow, lead him on so he won't stumble. Please do not let go of him and help him to grow in your word. Amen.'
-----

And I recall this convo with stelly many weeks ago, when we were randomly talking about choosing a partner outside church. I know my mum prefers me to get a girlfriend outside church but I was evaluating the pros and cons with stelly and concluded that it comes together with many downsides.

The major problem is that if my partner is not from this church, she'll take a lifetime to understand the impacts of my formative years in this church. I mean, I can't explain to her in words alone, nor in such a short time, why the person sitting at the random corner in the sanctuary whom I don't even speak a word to on Sundays can be one of my closest friend, while someone whom I'm hanging around a lot may not be someone who's even of a certain closeness. Yes, no doubt I can introduce who's who and give a brief information on how this person is related to me but she won't be able to comprehend how come this particular person can affect me so much, or how come this person can take so much weight in influencing my decisions. The whole baggage associated with the various people is seriously too great to even explain. It would be unfair to my partner to be expected to remember or vaguely understand who is who and why my friendship with them is so.

Ohwells, random things that popped into mind, amidst a whole chunk lot of things too wordy to condense into one entry for now..

23:24; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

~ice dragon~
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twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano

theLOVE;

violin
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friends
love

theWISH;

personalised room
~~keyboard~~
~~games~~
~~books~~
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson

theCHATTERBOX;

theESCAPES;

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