thePIANIST

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

who knows when's the next wrong step, when's the next checkmate?

Watched Sister Act 2 and John Tucker Must Die together with stelly and corrine today. Yeap two pretty retarded movies but me being me, a few thoughts just struck my head here and there. Expounding on one for today.

For those familiar with John Tucker, you guys know how the story goes - girls taking revenge on this guy by getting a girl to pretend to fall in love with him and then subsequently break up to break his heart.

And that was how it struck me. How do you know whether someone is true to you? Through words? Or through actions? And even if this person really makes you feel special, treasured and seems like the one, how would you know if it's true or merely constructed and mechanically devised? How would you be absolutely certain that this person is not getting close to you and just fooling around with your heart? Or are you the one to him, or simply just another one? Yes, I know I probably sound like a nutcase, overtly suspicious and paranoid over the tops. Still, as the chinese saying goes: 害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无。

Even if we don't talk about love, let's just look at friendships. How, then, can you be positive that your best friend for a long time is not just getting close to you for certain benefits, or just attempting to dig out your darkest history and then divulging it some day?

Maybe I'm too influenced by the many shows/movies/dramas/texts that I've seen - friend betraying friend for personal benefits, spouse betraying spouse for enmities sowed in the previous generations, human betraying human for revenge or any reason thinkable. Perhaps you may think all these are just too scary and won't happen to you but, hey, wake up and take a look around you - isn't this world we are living in an ugly cruel reality-joke?

If you have ever been betrayed by anyone, you'll get what I mean. That nagging subconscious that who knows whether the next close friend you make will really stick by you for real; that shroud of suspicion developed as a defence mechanism after someone you decide to trust or believe misplaces that trust; that inexplicable irrational insecurity which strikes you at a random moment and grabs you with such a paralysing overwhelming force that you'd rather just keep to yourself and not trust anyone anymore.

It's always in the subconscious isn't it? It's not something that you can tell yourself to overcome rationally with your mental strength.

And then you find yourself lacking the courage and faith to trust anyone anymore, and you get disillusioned with yourself and doubt your own judgement. Then you doubt yourself and are unwilling to make any more decisions.

For who knows when's the next wrong step, when's the next checkmate?

21:35; The Pianist'

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