thePIANIST

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

and....

Was out yesterday and saw a singlet some random passerby was wearing and it sparked off my thinking. I was reminded of buying gifts for people, of buying clothes for people, and then I got reminded of the big booboo I made last year. And then there I went, thinking about way more things than I bargained for.

Well, I got a shirt for my dad last year during my army trip to Thailand. Till now, he hasn't worn it once and it's really not his fault. I mean, how do you wear a shirt that's big enough to fit one and a half times your actual size?

And it struck me there and then, 7 months ago, that I really didn't know my dad. Well, of course getting the wrong size of clothes for someone is pretty much part and parcel sometimes, but usually it's a difference of one to two sizes up or down. Not one and a half times his actual size. I can swear if my dad really wants to, he could have fit in two of himself into that shirt.

I remember 丽玲老师 teaching us a long time ago when we were still in primary school that, between someone who says "I know my father - he has a moustache, very thick eyebrows, sometimes leaving a stubble, has grey hair etc etc" and someone who says "I know my father - he likes to go fishing on Saturdays, go jogging every Thursday morning etc etc", who do you think is closer to his dad, or knows him better? Back then, she gave us the answer as the latter one who knows his habits. Her reasoning was that knowing someone's outward appearances are but superficial and almost anyone who has met him could probably fare similarly, and so we should spend the effort to get to know our family.

Yup, I got her point back then. But back then, I remember I actually chose the answer as the former because even though you meet someone, you may not be able to notice those details on his face which would otherwise be hidden. I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear here, but I guess knowing a person constitutes both the outward physical appearance and the inner emotional psyche - it's about both the body and the soul.

Imagine if you know your other half's preferences: that he likes to his steak medium, hits the gym thrice a week, loves MOS burger's milk tea, lazes in bed an extra minute whenever he gets the chance to... but you don't know that he looks away from your eyes when he's going through that emotional struggle within him, ruffles that fringe when he's getting a little more self-conscious, is particular about shaving cleanly everyday... it's just not complete, right?

I think I digress. I really wasn't trying to make myself feel better. I know I don't know my dad well enough and that's a fact I can't deny. Neither do I know my mother well enough, nor my brothers, nor my sister even, for that matter.

And you know that something's really wrong somewhere when you ask your sister what she wants for her birthday and she says, she wants her brother to talk to her more when at home.

And all you can think to yourself is, why the sudden distancing at home, that facetious silence which acts up, that emotional un-connection almost consciously imposed on... And then you blame yourself for surpressing that teenage side in you all the while, not allowing it to grab a hold on your life many years ago.

And now, it erupts in such a force that your parents don't understand, and you yourself don't really know how to cope with it at such a age.

And you think to yourself: so this is what it feels like to have that raging hormones of teenage rebellion.

15:02; The Pianist'

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