thePIANIST

Sunday, 18 October 2009

the underlying dynamics of a death

My uncle just passed away on Wednesday. No, this post ain't about how sad I am, or anything to that effect. Yes, I've shed my fair share of tears and heartwrench, but I'm also alright now. I'm just really glad that he has accepted Christ and I can rest in the assurance that some day, we'll meet again.

Attending the wake the past few days have been pretty enlightening, for lack of a better word. I guess the sudden-ness of the whole affair did give us some shock - my mum suddenly sent me a msg on Wednesday afternoon to tell me to settle my own dinner because she had something urgent to attend to and had to rush out of the house, not knowing when she'll be back home. At that time I still didn't know what was going on, thinking that maybe her friend asked her out or something. Only in the evening did I get the news of my uncle's death and subsequently went down to the wake at night.

It was a simple affair on the first night, considering mostly only the relatives knew. Saw my aunt and my cousins, and the usual greetings and condolences were offered. They said they were alright. I guess my aunt was more able to handle the situation and composed in her words. Yet, through all those simple words offered, I could sense the grief in them. And I also noticed that their eyes were still wet, indicating that they would have been crying/tearing beforehand. Then I entered the auditorium/chapel or sorts and saw the rest of my relatives. Then again, beyond those smiles offered by my uncles and aunts, it wasn't difficult to notice that their eyes were a little red and puffy. The night passed pretty decently, with uncles asking questions and getting updates about our lives. The usual catch-up you get at a big family gathering I guess.

Went down again tonight, and just back home. The mood was a little lighter amongst my uncles and aunts. My cousins ostensibly looked pretty alright, presumably because of friends who came by to give their regards. Then the service started. And it was after a few songs then I noticed the dazed look on my cousins. It wasn't the kind of daze that you get after a few nights of improper and inadequate sleep. It was more of the dazed look which conveys the sense of lost. I guess that's the difference between the adults (my aunt, and other relatives) and the 'kids' (my cousins are all older than me). For the adults, the initial loss and impact was great, but they know how to deal with it and slowly come to terms with it. After all, they recognise and know that it's part and parcel of life. For the 'kids', it's their very first loss that's so close to heart, and probably one of the very few times, if any, they are encountering something so real.

After the service it was pretty much the same thing - chatting with relatives, catching up etc. And through it all, I came to see a different side to all my uncles and aunts. As my brother most aptly puts it - my dad's siblings are all very united. Yeah I guess at such times it's really when you get to see the most real and natural side of people - uncles and aunts doing whatever they are best at. The one familiar with accounts and money deals with the funeral donation, the one who is less of a socialite takes care of the random matters like arranging tables and distribution of food, the more vocal and sociable one receives any friends who come by and chat with them...

It is of course a very different scene as compared to a big family gathering at New Year or CNY. I guess this has taught me to look beyond those verbal interactions and insults and insinuations given at such events and note the underlying loving currents that emanate from such interactions. And now I appreciate my relatives much more - each and every one of my uncle and aunt. And I guess it'll take time for me to discover more about my other cousins too. I couldn't help but drifting off to think what would it look like if the deceased was someone even closer to me. How would everything pan out - who would be doing what, whose shoulders would I be leaning on if I needed one. But I guess, and I hope, I won't need to bother about that for a long time to come.

Let's leave that for another time then.

00:07; The Pianist'

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