thePIANIST

Saturday, 14 November 2009

brain overdrive in 15mins

*2007hrs: boarded 852 at church bus stop, thanked God that I managed to get a seat, 'cos I'm really tired*

*2010hrs: boy A and girl B sat in front of me, grandmas C and D sat behind me*

*2015hrs:
C: ".. but now no more deposit already, so you need to have $3 in your ez-link card.."
D: "But I paid the $5 what."
C: "No, that is non-refundable, it's the cost of the card."
A: "I don't mind being the bad guy, if you want. I can give her a slap in the face the next time..."
B: "No, but that's not the point. She's just so..."
A: "You mean she expects us to treat her nice and she treats us like that? It's not fair what. I mean, we can choose to be nice and forgiving, but some people just want to be your friend when things are good, and then... but that's not what friends are what?"
B: "Yah, but..."
~vibration in my jeans, hoping that it's not a phonecall, realises that the vibration persists and just dread looking at the number~
~takes out the phone, realises it's corrine. Ends the phonecall, and thank God that it's not another of those calls which asks me to do stuff~*

And I tried to recall..
the first time I had such a strong dislike for someone
the first time I really felt like I hated someone
the first time I tried to mediate a conflict between 2 friends
the first time I had such raw emotions associated with youth
the first time those feelings of crush crept into my heart
the first time I looked at someone with non-platonic interest
the first time I had those intense feelings of affection
the first time I listened to a friend pour out his heart
the first time I poured out my heart to someone
the first time I thought I found my best friend
the first time your lips touched mine
the first time I couldn't control myself
the first time I went crazy
Well, not all I have answers nor experienced..

*2020hrs: C's phone rang.
C：“我刚才打给你，你没有接。”
C：“没有，我是要跟你讲，桌子上有面包。”
C：“你要记得绑好，然后盖起来。”*

原来，我们的生命就是充满着许多琐琐碎碎的事－终日劳劳碌碌，尚且须要打理忙不完的琐事。但，不是吗？其实生命就是这些小小的事凑起来的！你大概不会花太多心思或时间去烦恼它们的落成。它们已组成了我们生活的架构－一切其他的事物乃绕着它们走啊！

*2022hrs: alighted the bus at the interchange, saw that 947 only had one bus parked at the berth with its lights on, but without driver, instinctively walked out to the bus stop to wait for other buses. Just before I reached the bus stop, 947 zoomed past and I was too lazy to run after it. Finally reached the bus stop, saw an incoming bus and realised it was 176.*

And the first thought that came to mind - 'choice/decision - it's such a bitch, isn't it?'
And inevitably I went back to that point in my life where I had to make that decision, and till now I still wonder if I should have.. or not. And it's that kind of question that no one else can answer, nor can I myself truthfully answer with certainty. I really don't know.
And then even for many other decisions, with every step that you take, you just fear that it's gonna be horrible and that you'll regret. Then there's always those Hobson's choice, false dilemma, Morton's fork.. and then there's always that Nelsonian knowledge..

*2028hrs: 187 came, took out my wallet, happened to flip it open and saw the photo of my sis and I*

And it just suddenly struck how much my love for my sister has evolved and manifested itself in so many different ways of varying degrees along the years...

*2029hrs: there was this small boy who started screaming and making quite a bit of noise*

And I wondered why I really dislike small little kids that much. And I really wonder if I'll ever have kids of my own, and how I will survive when I really do have them..

*2030hrs: the boy pressed the bell repeatedly and the mum was all nice about it*

And I really can't help but think, if back then, 15 years ago, I was the one standing on the seat and pressing the bell repeatedly, what would my parents do to me? And I see the stark contrast between parents-children today and parents-children of the past. And I recognise that the dynamics of such a complex relationship will only be even more varied when my generation assumes the parenting role.

And I thought back about my childhood, which suddenly gave me this crippling feeling. I don't know why, but everytime I recall and think about my childhood, this strong sense of paralysis just grabs me from within and I can't explain it. It just comes. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist to figure things out eh. Anyhows, I figured, just give me my bouts of emo times when I need 'em and I'll move on once I've had my fill.

22:06; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano

theLOVE;

violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love

theWISH;

personalised room
~~keyboard~~
~~games~~
~~books~~
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson

theCHATTERBOX;

theESCAPES;

theHISTORY;

theCREDITS;

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