thePIANIST

Saturday, 21 November 2009

just dropping by to say hi

Hello Blog. I seem to have neglected you quite a bit the past few weeks/months, judging from the irregularity of my posts, and the less-than-spectacular content I've been putting up. Yet, I realise I always come back to seek solace in you whenever things don't go too smoothly for me in life. I know I should go to your cousin Diary instead but I guess you're just more approachable and easily within reach. And I'll admit, confiding in Diary can be quite a Herculean task whereas with you, everything just flows out naturally and in a more relaxed manner.

I'm not too sure what I wanna tell you, given that you are such a transparent entity - I'm not complaining about it because it's my choice anyway. But sometimes I just wish I could just pour out everything inside to you, 'cos it seems that you can and will take everything I have to say, without passing judgments, without having to excuse yourself because of work/school tomorrow, and because at such a weird time, I guess you're probably my only sane friend around who's not asleep and I don't mind imposing on.

You know what, I really wish I can lie on your shoulders and just close my eyes into oblivion - even if it's just for a couple of minutes. I think I'll be contented enough to just have a temporary escape from the crazy pace of life, from the screwed-up decisions I've made, from the impending crap that is gonna be thrown at me. And I know you won't blame me if I end up tearing and wetting your shoulders. If only you could extend your hand to pat my head for a second, just to reassure me that everything's gonna be alright. Even if both of us know that it's not true, I guess it would be nice to have that moment of self-denial, self-delusion that I'm indeed safe in a crazy world. Just so that I'd know the world ain't as onerous as it looks. Don't you agree?

I'm not entirely sure why I'm feeling this crapped up now. A big part of it is probably the old enemy Exams - you know, the guy who always disturbs me and wrecks havoc in my life once in a while? Yet at the same time, I know myself pretty well, that such intense feelings of crap do not stem from a single incident; it's the culmination of a compendium of crap that I've just swept under the carpet. And then it accumulated into this small hill-like protrusion against the carpet, which ultimately trips me. And I fall. And you know, there are times when you fall and you just don't feel like picking yourself up. For some reasons, you just want to stay there, flat on your face, for a few more moments. With the cold floor staring right straight at your face, you realise you just don't want to stand up that quickly lest you trip again. That's what's going on now I suppose. And I'll just lay there, whine until someone comes along to pick me up, and soothe me well again. Oh, you know what? I think I've already picked myself up. Probably that's why I wanted to lie on your shoulders. It's a form of temporary escape for me to release all that pent-up emotions I had in that fall.

I was thinking about Exams just now, and I was kinda glad that I wasn't in this by myself. Well, it's kinda a common enemy with some of my friends too. In the past, I was either sufficiently prepared for his tricks and onslaught, or I was not sufficiently prepared but was not too bothered by it. And back in those days, I could go around helping others and caring for their war-torn state. Now, I find myself in that war-torn state and been craving for someone to soothe my wounds. It got pretty bad but I only realised just now, that staying in that craving is in fact counter-productive. I got up, tried to care for others, and in fact I find myself even more emotionally prepared to face this old enemy.

Well, all those aside, I was wondering why I am feeling so crapped-up about facing this old enemy again. A friend told me some days ago to relax and rationalised that perhaps I was going through this panic attack due to expectations. I'm not entirely sure whether that is the truth, or maybe I'm just denying the truth. Anyhows, a thought came to mind as I was taking stock of my equipment: if my parents were to come to me and told me that it doesn't matter the outcome of the face-off between Exams and I, would I necessarily be less apprehensive? Frankly, I couldn't come up with an answer. But I do know, I would really appreciate if I knew of their support and understanding. Well, to be fair to them, I do have one of the most understanding/supportive parents around but I guess, when you're preparing for war, the last thing you need is for people to come up to you and ask you to stop preparing in order to do something else 'more important' like eat or sleep. It's not that I'm neglecting my meals or sleep, it's just that my values/habits are different from them, isn't it? I recognise the importance of rest and energy when engaging in a battle, but having 100% energy and alertness but highly inadequate armour and ammunition will just render a lost cause - it's not rocket science right?

Ah, those mixed feelings of bitching-understanding-complaining-messaging-catching.up are coming up again. It's an issue that's highly complex and delicate. Yet, I've managed to bring it down to pretty simple terms. However, I'm beginning to wonder and question myself. It's just that it's surfaced and cast aside so many times I'm really starting to doubt. And I know I've been escaping from it because... because.. damn. I don't really know the answer myself. Because I don't want to impose my standards on others? Because I don't want to 'lose face'? Because I'd rather live in denial to give myself one more thing to be proud and happy of? Because I might be the one that's thinking too much? Because I don't want another self-fulfilling prophesy? Because I don't want to admit that things peaked so quickly a plateau or decline is inevitable? Blarhs. I don't wanna bother about it now, especially when I have the big E to face. But then again, this is probably one of the main contributing factors to my fall, and it's at such crappy times that I could do with a message or call or hug that I would question myself.

I think I rambled too much. I'm sorry, friend. I promise I'll try to give you more intellectual discourse after I've recovered from all the fatigue and exasperation. As for now, thanks for the shoulder and ear lent, thanks for being on call 24/7, and thanks for bearing with me without passing judgments or defences. I really need to go now, but I'm sure we'll catch up when I'm free? Yeah, I know it's a cliche and 'catch up soon' is just a nicer way than saying catch up after a long time. It sort gives some sense of (false) hope that it'll take place in the very near future. But I guess, by going into a friendship, we all consented to deal with the ups and downs together, bearing the crap together too.

And oh yeah, if you can, you might wanna keep all these to yourself unless you know that by letting any particular someone in on this, it will make my life better. Though I highly doubt it.

Alright, I really need to go sleep already. I'll hear from you again pretty soon, I hope.

And just to make my point - catch up soon!

03:18; The Pianist'

thePIANIST;

~ice dragon~
edmund
twenty one
phpps tchs hci nus
bmt-b sispec-g eti-ep
npcc choir
piano

theLOVE;

violin
saxaphone
jazz
spiritual revival.renewal
books
lit
friends
love

theWISH;

personalised room
~~keyboard~~
~~games~~
~~books~~
love
guitar lesson
jazz piano lesson

theCHATTERBOX;

theESCAPES;

theHISTORY;

theCREDITS;

host: blogger
brushes : x
picture: x x
designer: Winter min