thePIANIST

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Staying positive

Staying positive has always been something I admire a lot in others. There are those who seem indomitable no matter what comes - they just face it with a smile, a positive attitude, and face it head on.

It's also something that I try to do a lot, because I realise that it makes life so much easier to handle. I guess it's also partially due to my liking for rationalising things away.

When 5 people turn up for choir practice, I tell myself: I'm thankful that there are 5, and they are committed to what they are in for. And at least 7 of them have informed me that they can't make it.

When 3 people turn up for fellowship, I tell myself: I'm thankful that there are 3, and they still continue to come despite the numbers. And seeing them enjoy and taking away something makes whatever i do all the more worthwhile. I remember an elder telling me before that when he was young, he was the only one at the bible school and his teacher really didn't want to teach. But he asked the teacher to not deprive him of his chance to learn. 哪怕只有一个人，只要对他有帮助、有影响，我也是不可以停止或放弃。

When someone from fellowship tells me that she finds the activities really boring and she really doesn't want to come and can't wait to get out of it, I tell myself: I'm thankful that at least she still is committed to come regularly. Also, I'm thankful that she is comfortable enough to speak her mind and be totally frank with me. Moreover, at least there is some feedback so that I know what I can work on.

When I see the sec 1 class and feel overwhelmed by their many very different characters, I tell myself: I thank God for the chance to learn the lesson of patience. And the knowledge that they are still in the process of growing up and that I am able to change their lives and make a positive impact on them, encourages and inspires me to press on.

When I see a girl giving me attitude, tests my patience, and stretching my limit, I tell myself: I am heartened to know that on the surface she may seem brusque, but deep inside I sense that touch of dedication and goodness, and I believe that one day she will turn out just fine.

When I go overseas and my flight is delayed and I am at risk of missing my scheduled train ride, I tell myself: there is still that chance that I might just be able to make it, though it really will be a mad rush. If in the event I really do miss it, I'll just have to forfeit the money already paid and get a new ticket. But at least I am still safe and sound. (thank God I still managed to make it in the end)

When I get my results at the end of a semester and they are not as what I had hoped or expected, I tell myself: I'm thankful that I still passed, and it really could have been worse.

When I am due for presentation and I feel less than prepared, I tell myself: it'll be just fine, I'll just go and present whatever I know and have prepared and if there's any question that I can't answer or react, I'll just have to think of an answer on the spot.

And I always tell myself to look at the bright side of things, to see that things are often not as catastrophic as I can make them out to be. And this has served me well in life. Indeed, that's how I sail through life without too much of an emotional turmoil.

Yet, in every one of us, there is something that we are less adept at handling - an aspect of our lives that we find a tad more challenging to have it under control. And there, I realise, is where the balancing comes. I'm not one of those forever-positive forever-smiling kind of person. And I realised that staying positive can be quite a tiring thing which requires quite a bit of my energy. As humans are limited, the amount of energy spent on staying positive in those areas of my life draws on some other area/s of my life. And there is this particular emotional aspect inside me that seems void of positivity. Perhaps I have taken too much to put on the outside, to make sure I stay positive when I engage with others. And when I look inside at myself, whenever it comes to an evaluation of my abilities and skills, the negative energy overwhelms because there is no more energy nor positivity left. The negativity consumes me the moment the pandora's box is opened.

And that's how it suddenly struck me - that sudden breathlessness, as though some form of panic attack was initiated inside me, in the deep recesses of my heart. Because when it comes to matters like this, I just spiral down into extreme negativity, and doubting myself becomes the norm. And then the helplessness. And then I try to find an outlet to vent.

I hate it.

Labels: rambling, writings

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