Death - the one thing that we all are (secretly) morbidly fascinated with. It's the only certainty we have in this ever-changing environment. Yet, ever so often, we choose not to think about the inevitable.

Funerals - the thing that we say is for the dead. It's the time when the living gather to say nice things and think nice thoughts about the dead. Yet, more often than not, it actually is for the living.

Love - that incomprehensible mystery that we all like to chase after. It's that

Yet, we tend to love broadly instead of deeply.

When I was younger, I always wanted to attend my own funeral - to hear what people would say of me. I often wondered what it is that they have to wait until I'm dead instead of telling me directly when I'm alive.

When I grew up, I then wanted to die before my loved ones - to avoid going through the pain of losing them. I often thought that I would rather die in their arms than having them die in mine.

Now, I think of who I hope would be delivering the eulogy at my own funeral - to figure out who really are closely cherished and loved. These are the ones I want to love deeply, so that there will be no regrets if I ever have to give their eulogies. 

And then I quickly asked myself why I wanted to have a kid. That brings me to the broader question of why do people want to have children?

Is it because we want to make sure that there is someone who will provide for us and take care of us when we are old?

Is it because we want to experience the 'joy of parenting' which the world tells us is one beyond words?

Is it because we love kids?

Is it because we want to exert some form of control over someone else's life?

Is it because we want to make sure there'll always be someone who will remember us after we die?

Is it because we want to (or we have to) carry on the family line?

Is it because we think that we'll make a better parent than some others?

Is it because we think that we'll make a good parent?

Is it because we just want to have sex and babies are a (not necessarily bad) by-product?

Is it because we want to inject some new element into our relationship?

Is it because we finally feel ready to have a child? And that still begs the question: why do you want to have a child?

Is it because that is the way society works?

Is it because that's the example we learn from our parents?

Is it because that's supposedly what we are supposed to do (after marriage)?

And then it struck me that from my limited generation of reasons/ideas above, they generally fall into 2 categories: (1) selfish reasons; or (2) societal norms.

(1) - hardly can we say that we want children because of some altruistic reason (well, of course if you think that satisfying your gramps' or your parents' wishes is altruistic then fine by me)

(2) - sometimes we don't really think much about it, because having children is just 'the way things go', or to quote someone from the previous generation: '如果你不生孩子，那你结婚来做什么？' (of course that goes into the topic of marriage, which isn't quite the topic here today)

I'm not saying that it's wrong to have kids, nor is either of the categories above wrong. I'm just pausing to reflect on why people actually want to have kids. Then of course there are those who fall into neither - I don't really bother whether I have kids or not, so if it comes then it comes.

All that said, either way, the child never ever gets to choose to be born (or not). I didn't choose to come into this world. That decision was made for me by my parents. And on that note, to those parents out there - if you decided to have a child, no matter how the child turns out, you are the one responsible for the child. And to those who love to lament '早知道就不把你生下来', too bad man, don't blame the child. You decided to have the child, so if you regret it, don't blame it on the kid. He's the most innocent one. In some sense, he's even the victim of your decision.

Nonetheless, that doesn't give us (as children) the reason to blame everything back on the lack of choice in coming into this world. Let's face it: none of us had that choice. So deal with it. Yes the world's unfair - no one ever tried convincing the world otherwise. If you wanna wallow in your the-world's-unfair pathetic state and get stuck in that rut, it's time to get your act together and live life like a man (or a woman).

*Really rambly thoughts today. Feels good typing without an essay question or word limit or restriction or academic grading in mind.

想睡觉吗？不完全是。想找人聊聊吗？也不太确定。可能是两个星期连续的一直在赶，一直在冲，所以现在只想坐着，什么都不作，就任时间流逝。尽管如此，其实自己也很清楚，脑子现在都还是满的，不是在为明天的功课准备着急，就是在为明天的事而计划，要不就是在为现在的‘闲着’而感到内疚。当然知道时间是宝贵的，但其实只想坐着-没有为任何期限担心，没有为任何计划而懊恼，没有需要做出任何的反应。或许这就是最真实的我：完全不去想、完全不去感觉。真的是这样吗？

不是生活不愉快或不幸福，但只想停下脚步，歇一歇，呼吸新鲜的空气，完全没有搅扰或逼迫。当然，我能够有闲情在这里发表表达，已经是很幸福的了：知道有身边的人连这种‘奢侈’都没有。

但，我们能够这样去比较吗？有这个必要吗？

难道每个人不是有自己的选择权吗？有自己的价值观吗？我选择这个时间在这里，不去温习功课，当然后果我要自负，不能怪其他人。但我知道因为今天不读，会导致明天必须补偿，造成我更多的压力。或许我会埋怨。啊，不去想它吧！

It is precious.

Some like it big and conspicuous, some are contented no matter how small.

Most importantly, it has many facets. From a certain angle, you may not think it's worth a lot. Yet from another angle, you may actually find it attractive and beautiful.

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We play many roles in our lives. You can be a boyfriend, a student, a son, a brother. And in each of this role, you have a designated responsibility. And you might think of yourself as a failure if you do not accomplish a particular something.

A mother may feel that she is a failure if her kids do not have a full breakfast before leaving home.

A father may feel that he is a failure if his family is not provided for.

An elder sister may feel that she is a failure if she does not give the kind of love her mother gives to her family.

An elder brother may feel that he is a failure if he cannot protect his younger siblings.

A younger sister may feel that she is a failure if she does not lighten the atmosphere during family gatherings.

A younger brother may feel that he is a failure if he still gets treated like a small boy.

A friend may feel that he is a failure if he cannot be there when his friend needs him.

A lover may feel that he is a failure if he can be there with his beloved, yet is unable to help.

A partner may feel that he is a failure if his beloved does not call when feeling down.

What, then, is your failure?

----------------

And because life is multi-faceted, perhaps things might actually look better if we try to take on a different perspective.

Yeah I know I've said that age is just a number. But I couldn't help it but instinctively react with a 'woah'. Perhaps society has constructed me to react that way. Nonetheless, 15 years difference. Another of my friend was quick to point out Dr Sun Yat-Sen and his 3rd wife who were 26 years apart.

Well, age is but a number, no? I've heard of couples differing by 5 years or 10 years, but 15 years is indeed a first for me. Perhaps what shocked me was the sheer number and also the fact that the couple has 2 kids. Leaving the kids issue aside, I suppose 15 years does seem a little wide. But it's pretty subjective isn't it? To me, 5 years difference is perfectly acceptable while some people feel that the maximum should be 2. I guess it's a matter of the environment we grew up in. My parents differ by 5 years, so I would think that 5 years is perfectly normal. Then I have friends whose parents differ by 9 years, and so they wouldn't be too surprised if they heard of similar couples. So, really, who decides what number is too big or too weird?

Assuming we take a 22 year old and a 12 year old. 10 years difference. Even for me who has no issues with 10 years difference will object to this simply because it's pretty paedophilic. What about a 7 year difference for a 23 year old and a 16 year old? Arguably this is more acceptable but some will still feel that it's a tad paedophilic. What if we were looking at a 25 year old with a 35 year old? Still 10 years apart, but it doesn't seem half as bad as a 22-12.

That's why I figured that age is a number, and also a signpost to suggest the stage the person is at. It's like a quick reference to the sort of life a person might be having. Schooling or working. So if you meet someone for the first time and the person says he's 15, you'll ask which (secondary) school he's in; if someone says he's 18, you'll ask whether he's in poly or jc or ITE; if someone says he's 22, you'll ask whether he's studying at a university or if he's working. So there you have it, age is a rough guide to where a person might be in life. Of course, all these at the risk of stereotyping.

Alright just a short post about my take on age and numbers. To all the couples out there whose age difference may be significantly wide (however you want/choose to define it), I wish you all the best in your relationship and no matter what people say, always remember that age is but a number which is a quick reference to the stage in life you are at. You may not be in the same stage with your partner now, but one day you will be. And at that time, you'll realise that age is but a number, and love transcends all that.

Communication between 2 people will tend towards some misunderstandings at times, simply because that is how things are. Through some arguments, disagreements, quarrels, fights, unhappiness do we then realise and learn. What's important is not be bogged down by those unpleasant feelings, but to tell yourself that you just learnt one new thing, and eliminated a possible source of conflict in the future.

Only through constant communication (and accordingly, misunderstandings at times too) can 2 people get to know each other better, and understand each other's quirks and what makes one tick. It's a transient dip in pleasantness between the parties, but a long-term growth and maturity in the relationship.

It takes 1 small prick and a few drops of blood, and one can be tested negative or positive for HIV.

It takes 2 words for one to be joined to another in a civil union and to spend the rest of their lives together.

It takes 3 words for 2 people to start a relationship.

Yet most of the time, the focus is not so much about these small acts itself - it's the larger connotations behind them.

You cannot tell what sort of a lifestyle a person has, but him going for a HIV test gives insight.

You cannot be sure that the most quarrelsome couple you have ever known will survive being together, but them getting married suggests that they might work things out.

You cannot agree that the two people should be together, but them reaffirming each other connotes something more.

And so we come to the idea - that the thing itself is not so much the crux, but the overarching thoughts associated with that simple action or those simple words - sometimes we mean it, other times it's bringing out our point.

但两个人一起欣赏日出，总比自己一个好。

Saw an older brother (around poly age) holding a younger brother's (around primary sch) hand while walking in the carpark.

Saw a mother holding a toddler's hand while walking towards the pedestrian crossing.

In every relationship, there'll be a stronger party and a more dependent party, someone who protects and someone who is protected. The one who is more experienced guides the one who is still exploring and learning. Arguably it's pretty much decided by social norms and common-sense. You have the parent taking care of the child, the guy (stereotypically) taking care of the girl.

And then the golden question comes: (quoting my prof in one of her lectures, aptly albeit out of context) how much can a person know before he loses his innocence?

The parent takes utmost effort to avoid exposing his child to danger. When the child is very much still dependent, his universe is close. It's defined and limited by the parent - what is right is determined by what the parent says. But growing up is inevitable and unpreventable. The child starts to realise that the world is a much bigger place than is reflected by the parent, starts exploring and experimenting with things that come his way. And one day, he finally realises that everything that was previously taught to him (what was right and what was wrong), is but the sole opinion of his parents. That said, he does not quite throw his parents out of his life but instead, recognises that the values imparted by the parents have become deep-seated in his life. Whether or not the values change is a decision he must then make as life throws alternative ideas at him. Things no longer appear as black or white. In fact, most appear to be a shade of grey.

For example, possibly

his parents told him that smoking and drinking are bad, but now he has to consider whether that statement is an absolute, or it reflects more of his parents' own judgment;

his parents told him that tatoos and piercings are tell-tale signs of the underworld, but now he has to consider whether that proposition is qualified, or it remains a stigma of the older generation;

his parents told him that he has to get a good degree because that is the only way to succeed in life, but now he has to consider whether that path is the only path, or it is merely an opinion;

his parents told him that Man is to get married, have kids, and start a family, but now he has to consider whether that is indisputable, or it expresses the expectations and hopes of a parent;

his parents told him that a man is to be with a woman, but now he has to consider whether that is taken for granted, or it reflects their conservative positions;

his parents told him that the most important thing in life is to be happy, but now he has to consider whether that is a goal in life he wants to adopt as his own.

And at some point in time, when one has to learn to let go, that's the most difficult part. To recognise that the one you have been protecting for years has finally grown up and should be trusted to make his own decision, and be given a free(er) hand in charting the course of his own life.

To that, I always wonder if I've truly let go of my sister. Then again, someone once told me, brothers will never fully let their younger sisters fly. There's always this highly-disguised line by which the brother will still hold on to the sister. Just in case.

(I realise I rambled but I'm amazed at what my brain cells are able to produce despite being overworked. I really didnt know where I would end up when I started writing.)